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The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mattyprice4004, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. chris_h

    Gangster

    Joined: May 12, 2014

    Posts: 165

    SO I have decided to come back to this old post I made many moons ago from my above post!

    Many many things have happened, good and bad, more good in fact and I would like to share with those people here thinking its the end of the world...

    She did leave me. For my friend (such an old cliche!) I was suspicious of this wet wipe for a while but he was generally harmless. He came out of no where and instantly fell in love with my misses.

    When i did find out, it was 'loose your head' time. Went to his apartment, called him out, went ape **** as SHE was in there which was actually how I found out about their secret love! I have been in trouble with the police many times since then over this as we are only humans, our 'apes' inside who control our emotions want to lash out. But there is greener grass.

    since This revelation 12 months ago, I am a new man. I have found a whole new group of friends, retained my old friends which is a miracle as we had mutual friends, the ex is out of the circle for her lying twisted games. I have never had so much fun in my life. Been on countless dates, had a several girlfriends and 'found' myself as they say.

    My life is where I want it to be now, without the break up i wouldn't of had the life I have had over the last 12 to 18 months.

    I am single again as I will not settle for someone who doesn't click with me. I still sort of love my ex but in a a different way.

    If it all goes wrong do not hide but look after yourself and eventually you will thank yourself for it.
     
  2. arknor

    Caporegime

    Joined: Nov 22, 2005

    Posts: 37,214

    Location: Newcastle/Zurich

    good for you, never forget there's always plenty of more saner fish in the sea
     
  3. Fubsy

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Dec 12, 2003

    Posts: 9,074

    Location: Berkshire

    When we moved into our house 3 years ago this started. I said the exact line above, and she did and does. Now have 2 cats and 2 dogs running around.

    I love them though so can't help taking care of them. However I do spend a lot of time at home due to my shift pattern and nights, so it all works out, for now...
     
  4. dod

    Mobster

    Joined: Oct 31, 2002

    Posts: 3,845

    Location: Inverness

    Well, in these unprecedented :rolleyes: times I've finally got some certainty back into my life. It's only taken about 3 1/2 years

    Minute of agreement signed off, house transferred to soon to be ex wife, chunk of cash and pension transferred as well.

    Time to buy myself a wee divorce present and move onwards and upwards :)
     
  5. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,732

    Location: Nottingham

    It's been 2 years since we moved in together which equals roughly 2 years of unhappiness...

    We met 3 years ago, things got serious pretty quickly, we tried for a baby within 6 months, she fell pregnant within 3 weeks. We weren't living together so I moved into hers, rented my 2 bed house out, we found a perfect 4 bed house in my home town (rented), moved her 2 kids into new schools. I thought that would be the time we would settle into our new lives together, loved her and my son immensely. How wrong was I.

    She changed, became this stressful, irrational person I didn't recognise. Things I thought we would enjoy together turned into arguments. Things like buying our sons nursery furniture and making his nursery nice. Decorating the Christmas tree as a family. She turned all of them into an argument. Within 6 months of living in the new house I started to resent her and the relationship. My relationship with her 2 kids went down hill too. The only person who made me feel happy was my son.

    12 months later with little change, I suggested she needs to go to the doctors to get some help. She admits she's been feeling depressed, lonely since we moved. She struggled on maternity leave. I guess looking back it was clear she was struggling but she never spoke to me. Maybe I should have been more alert and helpful, I don't know.

    The relationship is now in tatters, we are damaged and I don't even know where to begin in fixing it. I've now been to the doctors myself, I'm suffering from anxiety, small things send me into a spiral of low mood and feeling on edge. When she wants me to kiss her, or cuddle on the sofa, it makes me feel anxious like I can't stand being that close to her. It's something I have never experienced in a relationship in my life.

    Frankly, I want out. I've wanted out for at least 18 months but there is my son to consider. He is my world and I'll miss him. He's the only reason I am still in the relationship. It's not the right reason but he doesn't deserve this.
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2020
  6. DrToffnar

    Mobster

    Joined: Jan 25, 2013

    Posts: 3,280

    Sounds incredibly similar to what my current partner went through before we got together. Couldn't get on with him for similar reasons as you and very much didn't want to break it up for the kids sake (hers are 6 and 10).

    I won't deign to give you any solid advise because something like this is just so subjective and you have to go with what you think is right at the end of the day. But I will say this, my partner and her ex both seem a great deal happier now as a result of there breakup. Sure it was a little messy at first. Everyone was upset and they where both really worried about the kids, but they seem to have adjusted real fast to everything. I think people forget just how emotionally resilient kids are when they're that young. Not saying there haven't been kinks here and there but as a whole, stuff flows really well. That's largely down to them agreeing to co parenting without the law getting involved however. If you can settle that amicably, it obviously makes all the difference in the world.

    Best of luck with it though dude. Really hope you can work it out one way or another.
     
  7. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,732

    Location: Nottingham

    Thanks, I'm giving us until the end of the year. I need to fix my head before I make any decision. I can't even comprehend ending the relationship with this pandemic going on.

    The thing I am struggling with is she's actually much better, she no longer gets stressed or is irrational, if anything it's me that's those things now. Hence the trip to the doctors. But I still have these negative feelings about her.

    All I know is I've wanted out of the relationship for 18 months. My mental state has declined in the last 6 months. I honestly don't know how I will feel about anything with a straight head.
     
  8. MikeTheNative

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 17, 2012

    Posts: 8,332

    Location: South Wales

    Trying for a baby with someone after only being with them for 6 months, don't live together and she already has two children? Perhaps wasn't the most sensible of ideas, while sometimes it does work out. I don't understand how people can make big life decisions (marriage, baby etc.) after knowing someone for less than a year. You don't really get to know someone till after you have lived together for a few months at least.
     
  9. malachi

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 10,076

    Location: Earth

    I don't understand it either....why try for a baby so fast when she has to kids already. Off the back off that, why get with a single mother in the first place, if you don't have kids of your own. So many options out there.

    @Shikkaka Did you have any kids before her, how old are you both?

    Earlier in the thread, I mentioned I was dating a Polish woman. But I had to knock it on the head end of February, too many red flags. She was pushing for us to be in a relationship after 2 month and I like to give 6 months AT LEAST before am I ready to get into a proper relationship with them. Every few weeks, I would be hit with the "What are we?" question, I had enough and called it quits after 4 months.

    Too many people like to rush into things with their emotions, without thinking about it first.
     
  10. secretspy

    Soldato

    Joined: Oct 3, 2005

    Posts: 5,858

    Location: England

    @Shikkaka

    Did her mood change after she had the baby? Just wondering if it may have been post natal depression.

    Do you think the reason you have this anxiety when she wants affection is because you're worried an argument might somehow follow? Or is it that you don't want her near and need physical space?

    Obviously I'm no expert and it's difficult during the current pandemic but have you considered couples counselling? Does she know you're feeling this way and have been for sometime?
     
  11. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,732

    Location: Nottingham

    Aye, in hindsight it was way to soon to be trying for a baby but it felt right so we went for it. Would I change it, absolutely not, my little lad is my world.

    I am 35, she's 36. I have no kids myself, always wanted to but it never felt right with anyone before. It felt right this time so we went for it. Yes, she's was a single mother but she's got a good head on her shoulders, holds a good career, a couple of nice lads, well mannered etc.

    Yes, I think now she suffered from post natal.

    I think it's the latter, I just don't want to be close to her right now.

    Yes, she knows exactly how I feel, I've been pretty honest. I think once this pandemic is over couples counselling is something we will definitely consider.
     
  12. Dave M

    Soldato

    Joined: Oct 17, 2002

    Posts: 5,481

    You entirely sure it's yours?
     
  13. malachi

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 10,076

    Location: Earth

    Joking aside.....thats actually a good and serious question!
     
  14. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,732

    Location: Nottingham

    100% mine, no doubt.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
  15. Hilly

    Don

    Joined: May 17, 2004

    Posts: 12,336

    Location: Telford, Shropshire

    Malachi, you give the worst advice in this thread; I'm sure you're just a ****ing troll.

    Shikkaka, putting a time on things won't make it any easier when it comes to it. Feelings don't change unless there's sustained effort on both parts.
     
  16. malachi

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 10,076

    Location: Earth

    Erm no!

    The guy got a woman pregnant in less than a year, who already had kids from a previous relationship. Now he's up poos creek. Like, what was they expect was going to happen?!?!?

    Many would agree here just because "it felt right" was a silly thing to do. No common sense.

    I'm telling it how it is doesn't make it trolling or bad advice. You don't like the cold hard truth and expect rainbows and unicorns. They messed up by rushing into things too quickly when there was no reason to do so. Now sitting there thinking "what happened.... what went wrong!?!?!" Now they are facing the consequences.

    Rant over :)

    @Shikkaka Good luck to you, hope you get it sorted but I guess you know deep down its not going to end up well and will be a difficult process.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
  17. DrToffnar

    Mobster

    Joined: Jan 25, 2013

    Posts: 3,280

    It's different for everyone though. You can't put a label of time on a relationship. Some people 'know' within the first few dates and it goes on to last a lifetime, others say the same and it ends after a month. Fair enough, you have a system and if it works for you then fine but everyone's different. People change. You have to be free to make those big decisions when it makes sense. It's all part of learning to live. It's very rarely the 'wrong' decision irrespective of time, regardless of how it may seem in retrospect to yourself and others. He's got a son who he obviously loves and I'm sure he wouldn't trade all the ill feeling, arguments and mental instability in the world for that.
     
  18. Hilly

    Don

    Joined: May 17, 2004

    Posts: 12,336

    Location: Telford, Shropshire

    It was more aimed at your awful puppy advice and your draconian views of how women should behave.
     
  19. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 19,311

    Location: Cardiff

    I believe the 'are you sure it's yours?' comment was also in no way needed.
     
  20. McPhee

    Soldato

    Joined: Apr 17, 2009

    Posts: 5,337

    I had one of the most amusing and unsettling moments of our relationship yesterday.

    I was in the kitchen making dinner while my missus was on video chat with her mum. The discussion got a little heated. And her mum absolutely laid in to me, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the room. Among other things, she told my other half to ditch me and move back in to her house, with our daughter. But worse; this apparently wasn't some out of the blue fit of anger; it was accompanied by "I've been telling you this for over a year now, and you're not listening to me!" :eek:

    I couldn't resist saying hello at that point :D

    But yeah, awkwardness. I feel bad for the missus TBH. It seemed pretty clear from the call that her mum is piling on the pressure (over other things as well as this).

    As for her mum, I already know I'm not hugely popular. Lockdown, in particular, has stained our relationship. She's always been... ahead of the curve on restrictions, shall we say. In turn, that has lead to a fair few arguments between the two of us.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2020