The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[joelk2]

This loudly says "drunk posting" to me. And also, a little bit, suggests that she has some lingering issues with his non-involvement in his child.

Trend carefully, is what I think we are all saying to you.

She wasn’t drunk last night. But maybe the 2nd bit could be true.
I have spoken to her this morning now which is a bit better. I didn’t question the Facebook thing. Just asked if she was ok and she says she is.
Just can’t help but have this gut feeling about stuff. It’s not healthy. I need to change in some way but I don’t know how or what.

 

[Steampunk]

She wasn’t drunk last night. But maybe the 2nd bit could be true.
I have spoken to her this morning now which is a bit better. I didn’t question the Facebook thing. Just asked if she was ok and she says she is.
Just can’t help but have this gut feeling about stuff. It’s not healthy. I need to change in some way but I don’t know how or what.

Talk about it, don't stew. You can't say you're a basically honest person and then not talk to her about this worry of yours.

 

[joelk2]

Talk about it, don't stew. You can't say you're a basically honest person and then not talk to her about this worry of yours.

Suppose you’re right. I meant honest in a way that I’ve not hidden anything from her in regards to my life (ie still in contact with ex. Still not divorced)

 

[Ayahuasca]

Going to be totally honest, she sounds like a proper bunny boiler from what you've told us.

 

[joelk2]

Going to be totally honest, she sounds like a proper bunny boiler from what you've told us.

What is the definition of this? Or more so in what way?

Ie what are the signs eluding you to that thought?

 

[iamtheoneneo]

Just can’t help but have this gut feeling about stuff. It’s not healthy. I need to change in some way but I don’t know how or what.

From your posting it sounds like you have confidence issues. Have you worked on that and yourself at all post divorce? Because if you haven't its going to get messy.

I get falling for people online but I wouldn't be treating this seriously at all until iv got a few more dates done. Obviously meeting in a car park doesn't really count lol.

Im concerned about this 'meet up with her kid' I would let this play out for a good 6-12 months before even considering bringing in kids into the mix. Let them know your dating but I wouldn't drag them into it at all until its definitely more real and you actually know this person (because you don't at the moment)

 

[joelk2]

From your posting it sounds like you have confidence issues. Have you worked on that and yourself at all post divorce? Because if you haven't its going to get messy.

I get falling for people online but I wouldn't be treating this seriously at all until iv got a few more dates done. Obviously meeting in a car park doesn't really count lol.

the confidence thing has always been an issue since I was a teenager. I’ve never had any. It just got worse with the ex.
I met the ex by chance on a night out and at month 4 of the relationship family issues meant I found myself in the position that I was going to have no where to live so I moved in with her at her parents house.

 

[wingman]

As much as I’d love not to put all my eggs in one basket it’s not in my nature to potentially string along multiple woman.

This is where good natured blokes like yourself will fall down unfortunately.

It's an admiral trait what you're suggesting but this relationship boils down to an online friendship with someone you've snogged in a supermarket carpark once.

I truly hope it goes somewhere for you and you make yourself and her happy, but at this point the relationship hasn't matured into anything, and putting all your eggs into one basket is the worst possible thing you could do. She's got you where she wants you, which is fine if you were serious but it doesn't sound as though you are.

You're setting yourself up for pain if you're that invested into her at this point without keeping your other options open.

 

[joelk2]

Im concerned about this 'meet up with her kid' I would let this play out for a good 6-12 months before even considering bringing in kids into the mix. Let them know your dating but I wouldn't drag them into it at all until its definitely more real and you actually know this person (because you don't at the moment)

it’s in august. Which would be 6 months from meeting.

 

[joelk2]

This is where good natured blokes like yourself will fall down unfortunately.

It's an admiral trait what you're suggesting but this relationship boils down to an online friendship with someone you've snogged in a supermarket carpark once.

I truly hope it goes somewhere for you and you make yourself and her happy, but at this point the relationship hasn't matured into anything, and putting all your eggs into one basket is the worst possible thing you could do. She's got you where she wants you, which is fine if you were serious but it doesn't sound as though you are.

You're setting yourself up for pain if you're that invested into her at this point without keeping your other options open.

I think it’s hard enough having to deal with 1 woman let alone more.
Even down to things such as sex. I’ve never had a one night stand, I can’t just randomly sleep with someone who I don’t have some sort of connection or feelings for.

I’m serious, or I’m fully prepared for this to go somewhere. Everything I currently know about her is a positive in my eyes. The planning days/Events in the future helps my confidence as it seems to suggest she can at least see something there.

so all in all what do you think the best course of action is?

stick it out and hope for the best? Try not to get to emotionally involved until we can meet more.

confront her about the Facebook post? (although I don’t want to seem like a stalker)

put myself back out there?

 

[wingman]

so all in all what do you think the best course of action is?

stick it out and hope for the best? Try not to get to emotionally involved until we can meet more.

confront her about the Facebook post? (although I don’t want to seem like a stalker)

put myself back out there?

You've said it perfectly yourself, try not to get too emotionally involved. Others have explained more eloquently than me in this thread but you really aren't at any sort of mature level in the relationship, it's in the infancy stage, it really isn't a thing yet even though you think it is. It isn't any more or less real than the conversation you and I are having now. Again, as others have pointed out, it can feel very real but that's a potential trap (I've been there, met someone via YouTube way back in the day, had a tonne of chemistry, talked for a year and met up, and it wasn't the same (I know you guys have met up and you still feel a connection)).

If it's eating away at you then I'd advise talking to her about the FB post, but only if you can't put it out of your mind.

But then once again you're playing directly into her hands if you confront her about it, I'm not suggesting that she's that way inclined but that post might speak volumes, we communicate a lot on social media and for many it's a way of prompting a reaction. Who knows, perhaps that post was intended to get a reaction from you? I really couldn't say. Also, she's allowed to post what she wants. How did it end with the father? Perhaps she still has feelings? If the father turns around and says he wants another shot at the relationship do you really think you're going to get a look in? You've got to put yourself as your priority, whatever it is that you're seeking. Anything else is setting yourself up for hurt.

Similarly with regards to confidence, it's not something you have or don't have in my opinion, it's a blade to be honed. If you're on dating apps, why not start up conversations with others you may have matched with? Even if there's zero intention of going anywhere, it might build confidence for you.

Ultimately you don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to, you're in a potentially strong position, but the way you're acting and potentially behaving will suggest to her that you're utterly besotted and not going anywhere else for attention/connection. And if it's one thing women hate, it's an easy catch at the start of a relationship, and if the chasing is unbalanced it rarely ends well.

 

[joelk2]

You've said it perfectly yourself, try not to get too emotionally involved. Others have explained more eloquently than me in this thread but you really aren't at any sort of mature level in the relationship, it's in the infancy stage, it really isn't a thing yet even though you think it is. It isn't any more or less real than the conversation you and I are having now. Again, as others have pointed out, it can feel very real but that's a potential trap (I've been there, met someone via YouTube way back in the day, had a tonne of chemistry, talked for a year and met up, and it wasn't the same (I know you guys have met up and you still feel a connection)).

If it's eating away at you then I'd advise talking to her about the FB post, but only if you can't put it out of your mind.

But then once again you're playing directly into her hands if you confront her about it, I'm not suggesting that she's that way inclined but that post might speak volumes, we communicate a lot on social media and for many it's a way of prompting a reaction. Who knows, perhaps that post was intended to get a reaction from you? I really couldn't say. Also, she's allowed to post what she wants. How did it end with the father? Perhaps she still has feelings? If the father turns around and says he wants another shot at the relationship do you really think you're going to get a look in? You've got to put yourself as your priority, whatever it is that you're seeking. Anything else is setting yourself up for hurt.

Similarly with regards to confidence, it's not something you have or don't have in my opinion, it's a blade to be honed. If you're on dating apps, why not start up conversations with others you may have matched with? Even if there's zero intention of going anywhere, it might build confidence for you.

Ultimately you don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to, you're in a potentially strong position, but the way you're acting and potentially behaving will suggest to her that you're utterly besotted and not going anywhere else for attention/connection. And if it's one thing women hate, it's an easy catch at the start of a relationship, and if the chasing is unbalanced it rarely ends well.

i think you say it perfectly well thankyou

In answer to your questions.

Who knows, perhaps that post was intended to get a reaction from you? - I wouldn’t have said this was the case. I only saw it by chance. Facebook to me is one big lie (apparent with my marriage - pictures made us out to be a perfectly happy family but the reality was very different) so rarely use it, only to buy furniture on the market place.

How did it end with the father? - the story I was told. the guy was in a relationship and cheated on his partner with the girl in question. She kept the baby. As he was in a relationship he didn’t want anyone to know and has had no input, no involvement or paid nothing the girls entire life (who is now 10)

why not start up conversations with others you may have matched with? - I matched with 2 others. 1 was really nice but she was too far away (which we both agreed on) so I think the whole app was flawed. The other again seemed nice, but I just didn’t feel any kind of connection with her. It just didn’t feel right so I politely told her that as I didn’t want to waste either of our time. That was where this one came along.

pros and cons

+ there was an instant attraction
+ she is close
+ she’s a similar age
+ she’s very complimentary
+ she seems interested in me and willing to plan things in the future
+ her libido matches mine (4 times in the last 6 years of marriage is insane)
+ good job
The list really goes on for the positives

- she likes pineapple on pizza
- she can take hours to reply to a message

 

[R.P.L]

- she likes pineapple on pizza

Run for the hills mate.

 

[joelk2]

Run for the hills mate.

I can let that one slide thankfully. Vegan or vegetarian would be a run situation for me though.

 

[wingman]

Best of luck @joelk2 - keep us updated!

- she can take hours to reply to a message

That's sometimes part of the game unfortunately...

- she likes pineapple on pizza

That's definitely not part of the game!

 

[joelk2]

Best of luck @joelk2 - keep us updated!



That's sometimes part of the game unfortunately...



That's definitely not part of the game!

will do. And cheers for all the above advice folks.

i find it hard not to have a positive outlook of things but then at the same time I torture myself if I get any feeling that it’s not going to be the case.

 

[One More Solo]

So grateful for all the replies: @joelk2 @secretspy @Gypo @413x @Daxion5

They’ve been really helpful in capturing all the conflicting thoughts I have here. I am very conscious that these are strange times both for us as a couple and more widely which is one of the things that tells me to give it time like a couple of you said. I guess things have just tipped me over the edge in the last couple of weeks, where in particular it feels like a long way back to normality. I guess I just worry about being able to repair things.

I identify a bit with your story @secretspy but more in the sense that I’m the one now becoming withdrawn and solitary. We have both suffered with depression to varying extents. I fully recognise at the moment I’m being absent and not as supportive as I can be but I just don’t have the energy to deal with things and it feels safer to keep my distance and avoid saying something I’ll regret. I took time off to help out post op but in truth it was a relief to get back to work. I know that’s very selfish but just being honest.

@413x things have not gotten as bad as that but I have started being more independent without really thinking about it. Heading out on the bike for a couple of hours before she gets up, or taking the dog for long walks. TBH without these excuses to get out I’d be in a terrible place.

@Daxion5 I like the idea of putting a date on things. By the end of this month, we should know whether we’re out of the woods or not and that feels like the right time to have that conversation.

 

[omnomnom]

You seeing her liking pineapple on a pizza says more about you then her @joelk2 . Pineapple on a pizza is an absolute winner lmao

 

[413x]

@One More Solo

Yeah I'm same. Its gotten to point without these solo activities my mental health would be in the toilet. Also, as I get older I don't want to regret not doing them out of guilt and then becoming 'too old' not to.
Gf knows this, and to be fair isn't trying to stop me. But it feels ****. I want to do stuff with her. But unfortunately I like active stuff that she just can't do.

If yours now is not motivated to do stuff. You cant physically force her.

I've said a few times my eMTB is the absolute best thing I've ever bought. It's opened up a whole new hobby. And I wish I did it sooner.

 

[joelk2]

You seeing her liking pineapple on a pizza says more about you then her @joelk2 . Pineapple on a pizza is an absolute winner lmao

You monster