The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Apart from getting some from someone that isn't my right hand, or left if I'm feeling daring, I can't think of anything worse than "finding someone" right now. I don't want another woman. I want to enjoy my life and I don't need the validation of another human to make me feel good. I've spent years trying to conform and get that validation and now I don't need to. Why would anyone want to jump right back into that? Not for me!
 
Orangeade said:

I feel my own clock ticking out with an age of 32....arbitrage in the market is quickly spotted and so are most girls....I'm not a playboy and have no desire just to sleep around though it wouldn't be hard I guess. I just want the solid relationship my parents had and to feel like I felt before.
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No man should be feeling that their clock is ticking at the age of 32, that's a female problem! Stop thinking like a woman :p

Dating life should starting for men in their 30's, knowledgeable, earning good money/have a good job, have their own independence. This is the best age to be dating, you can date women 10 years younger than you, have years of fun and start a family with them but women don't have those options due to their biological clock and lets be honest, women don't get better with age, men do (if they keep their health in check)

To the other guys out there, dating is harder due to dating apps and the global dating market. The average woman doesn't want to date the average man. Men want sex, just that simple. Until the day men don't want sex then this unbalance will never change in the dating world. Women will always have the upper hand by default, that's how Nature set it but they don't forever. You always have the opportunity to improve and attract the women you want with these few things,

1. Sort your health out, get to the gym, stop smoking, drinking so much, We all know there are plenty of men in this thread complaining they struggle to get women but they sit there with their Peter Griffin chin, looking like they are about to give birth to twins.....women are not attached to fat guys! Not even the fat women!
2. 30+ and still living at home with your parents!?!!? Come on! Sort it out! Women can get away with that but men can't. Get your own place and independence. Women dont want to have sex when your parents is in the room next door or downstairs.
3. You got a crap paid/minimum wage job. Get a new one, skill up, get an promotion. Setting there on dating apps while you are broke or have a crappy job wont keep a woman around.
4. On the lines of no 1. Get good photos taken of you, hire a professional photographer if you need to for the dating apps. Women will always look at the photos first and read your profile last (if at all). The overweight woman, with her one hand bent backwards, crossed-eyed, selfie taken in a dirty mirror with an untidy bedroom in the background, will get WAY many more matches on an dating app than any guy will.
5. Finally, remember its going to take effort and hardwork to attract decent women on dating apps and life in general. But a few slight adjustments can also make it very easy.
 
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I agree with the above post but don’t think that it’s meant to be easy or should be easy.

I think been an attractive guy in your 30’s with choice, including hot younger girls in there 20’s, and I’ve had to learn all this and work on it. Means.

1. Work at the gym which includes self motivation even when you don’t want to do it. If you don’t hate the sight of the gym and or the weights your not doing it right.
2. staying off alcohol at least 2/3 days a week
3. learning to cook and eat healthily
4. hopefully benefiting from your lack of bad choices earlier in life
5. Learning game and been able to manage girls in the psychological as that’s where they exist primarily. You have to be able to confidently manage her moods or she will work this out and manipulate you. This is even more important with hot younger girls as she’s had a lifetime already of guys trying to hit on her.
6. Learning to ruthlessly and confidently cold approach girls in person and warm approaching during evenings / bar scene. You have to be able to take positives from every interaction, not be ego invested in outcomes or take anything personally. Trust me she won’t. She will forget about you instantly if she’s a hot girl and you drop the ball.
7. Having money. This is going to look different for different guys but you need to be not broke with some savings and some buffers against potential issues. Hot girls don’t want broke guys generally speaking, especially in there 30’s, although there are exceptions. Learn how to manage and invest your money.
8. Having a clean place which has a masculine edge to it
9. Reading lots of books so you have things to talk about and a view on the world
10. Going to places where there is a greater abundance of hot girls so you can learn quicker. London, Manchester, Ibiza. Barcelona, Lisbon, Bratislava. Most small towns are terrible for learning as there are too few hot girls so your never going to win, again she knows this, so go where your treated better due to the abundance.
11. A lot of this will likely have to be done on your own as your average 30’s guy is probably holding onto a crumbling social circle from earlier in life due to friends having kids etc but be on the look out for new friends who are interested in this also. Having competition is a great motivator.
12. Understanding feminine nature and what they are really all about at different phases in there life. Men and women are different.
13. Understanding that we have all spent too much time behind screens as young men these days and it’s retarded our social acuity. You have to push past all this and get better.
14. Moderating your use of porn.
15. Been aware of the “yes girl” dynamic. The handful of times your getting action from a night out or your social circle or even online dating doesn’t mean what your doing is good enough. Your just finding a “yes girl”. You’d have to do a lot wrong in that situation. You need to be turning maybe’s into yes’s and then you can act from a position of abundance and at the very least choose from a few options rather than “I’ve found a girl which will touch me” which is the position most guys choose from.
16. Not been afraid to disagree with her or call out her bad behaviour. Listen to her and take her opinion into consideration because your not a misogynist but your having a sexual relationship with her she’s not one of your bros. Attraction isn’t born out of been a pushover it’s born out of her feeling like you can protect her, lead and look after her. It’s not easy this and it’s a burden as a man but your reward is her sexuality and genuine (not obligated) desire.

There are more than enough resources on the internet and in books for a guy who actually wants to do this. You just have to want it enough. We live in a time when everything is instant, on demand and available on credit. This isn’t like this at all. It takes work which people don’t want to do.
 
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Mark1989 said:
It's not that easy! I wish it was, I'd like to meet some one tomorrow, he'll if it didn't work I'd just try meet some one else.

Online dating scene is pain, sick of sending messages and getting no replies :/
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Tefal said:
I will give my advice profiles if anyone wants it and freefaller actually hit on it.


You need "hooks", simple things in your profile text that give others the opertunity to easily form an opening sentence with you.

A set up for a joke, even if at your expense.


It's really really hard to write the first message to someone so you gotta make it easy for them.


One of my most successful lines on my profile was after stating what I was looking for I had "but if you've got ice cream I'll probably get in your windowless van"

It makes lots of easy set ups, for people to make a joke.

It doesn't have to be Oscar wilde just something people can make an easy joke to you about.
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Tefal said:
Note the self depreciating joke here used by the successful online daters?


Both replies show humility and an ability to laugh at oneself, they have wit, they are not trying to impress.

In fact they're actively going out of their way to make themselves sound bad, but it works? It's nice isn't it it made you smile and feel a connection for them?

Not because of pity or woe is me but because it shows they're comfortable enough with themselves that they can be the butt of the joke, which means they actually must be really quite above what they say.

And it's very easy to think of something to reply to.

"I sell cars"

"I work in computers"

Is very hard to reply to, but their little jokes there's loads of flirtatious banter I can say back off the tip of my tongue which means that reply is much more likely to happen.

You've got to make it easy
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Two out of context posts from the online dating thread
 
MaX_PoWah said:
I agree with the above post but don’t think that it’s meant to be easy or should be easy.

I think been an attractive guy in your 30’s with choice, including hot younger girls in there 20’s, and I’ve had to learn all this and work on it. Means.

1. Work at the gym which includes self motivation even when you don’t want to do it. If you don’t hate the sight of the gym and or the weights your not doing it right.
2. staying off alcohol at least 2/3 days a week
3. learning to cook and eat healthily
4. hopefully benefiting from your lack of bad choices earlier in life
5. Learning game and been able to manage girls in the psychological as that’s where they exist primarily. You have to be able to confidently manage her moods or she will work this out and manipulate you. This is even more important with hot younger girls as she’s had a lifetime already of guys trying to hit on her.
6. Learning to ruthlessly and confidently cold approach girls in person and warm approaching during evenings / bar scene. You have to be able to take positives from every interaction, not be ego invested in outcomes or take anything personally. Trust me she won’t. She will forget about you instantly if she’s a hot girl and you drop the ball.
7. Having money. This is going to look different for different guys but you need to be not broke with some savings and some buffers against potential issues. Hot girls don’t want broke guys generally speaking, especially in there 30’s, although there are exceptions. Learn how to manage and invest your money.
8. Having a clean place which has a masculine edge to it
9. Reading lots of books so you have things to talk about and a view on the world
10. Going to places where there is a greater abundance of hot girls so you can learn quicker. London, Manchester, Ibiza. Barcelona, Lisbon, Bratislava. Most small towns are terrible for learning as there are too few hot girls so your never going to win, again she knows this, so go where your treated better due to the abundance.
11. A lot of this will likely have to be done on your own as your average 30’s guy is probably holding onto a crumbling social circle from earlier in life due to friends having kids etc but be on the look out for new friends who are interested in this also. Having competition is a great motivator.
12. Understanding feminine nature and what they are really all about at different phases in there life. Men and women are different.
13. Understanding that we have all spent too much time behind screens as young men these days and it’s retarded our social acuity. You have to push past all this and get better.
14. Moderating your use of porn.
15. Been aware of the “yes girl” dynamic. The handful of times your getting action from a night out or your social circle or even online dating doesn’t mean what your doing is good enough. Your just finding a “yes girl”. You’d have to do a lot wrong in that situation. You need to be turning maybe’s into yes’s and then you can act from a position of abundance and at the very least choose from a few options rather than “I’ve found a girl which will touch me” which is the position most guys choose from.
16. Not been afraid to disagree with her or call out her bad behaviour. Listen to her and take her opinion into consideration because your not a misogynist but your having a sexual relationship with her she’s not one of your bros. Attraction isn’t born out of been a pushover it’s born out of her feeling like you can protect her, lead and look after her. It’s not easy this and it’s a burden as a man but your reward is her sexuality and genuine (not obligated) desire.

There are more than enough resources on the internet and in books for a guy who actually wants to do this. You just have to want it enough. We live in a time when everything is instant, on demand and available on credit. This isn’t like this at all. It takes work which people don’t want to do.
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Sounds like too much hard work to me!
 
MaX_PoWah said:
I agree with the above post but don’t think that it’s meant to be easy or should be easy.

I think been an attractive guy in your 30’s with choice, including hot younger girls in there 20’s, and I’ve had to learn all this and work on it. Means.

1. Work at the gym which includes self motivation even when you don’t want to do it. If you don’t hate the sight of the gym and or the weights your not doing it right.
2. staying off alcohol at least 2/3 days a week
3. learning to cook and eat healthily
4. hopefully benefiting from your lack of bad choices earlier in life
5. Learning game and been able to manage girls in the psychological as that’s where they exist primarily. You have to be able to confidently manage her moods or she will work this out and manipulate you. This is even more important with hot younger girls as she’s had a lifetime already of guys trying to hit on her.
6. Learning to ruthlessly and confidently cold approach girls in person and warm approaching during evenings / bar scene. You have to be able to take positives from every interaction, not be ego invested in outcomes or take anything personally. Trust me she won’t. She will forget about you instantly if she’s a hot girl and you drop the ball.
7. Having money. This is going to look different for different guys but you need to be not broke with some savings and some buffers against potential issues. Hot girls don’t want broke guys generally speaking, especially in there 30’s, although there are exceptions. Learn how to manage and invest your money.
8. Having a clean place which has a masculine edge to it
9. Reading lots of books so you have things to talk about and a view on the world
10. Going to places where there is a greater abundance of hot girls so you can learn quicker. London, Manchester, Ibiza. Barcelona, Lisbon, Bratislava. Most small towns are terrible for learning as there are too few hot girls so your never going to win, again she knows this, so go where your treated better due to the abundance.
11. A lot of this will likely have to be done on your own as your average 30’s guy is probably holding onto a crumbling social circle from earlier in life due to friends having kids etc but be on the look out for new friends who are interested in this also. Having competition is a great motivator.
12. Understanding feminine nature and what they are really all about at different phases in there life. Men and women are different.
13. Understanding that we have all spent too much time behind screens as young men these days and it’s retarded our social acuity. You have to push past all this and get better.
14. Moderating your use of porn.
15. Been aware of the “yes girl” dynamic. The handful of times your getting action from a night out or your social circle or even online dating doesn’t mean what your doing is good enough. Your just finding a “yes girl”. You’d have to do a lot wrong in that situation. You need to be turning maybe’s into yes’s and then you can act from a position of abundance and at the very least choose from a few options rather than “I’ve found a girl which will touch me” which is the position most guys choose from.
16. Not been afraid to disagree with her or call out her bad behaviour. Listen to her and take her opinion into consideration because your not a misogynist but your having a sexual relationship with her she’s not one of your bros. Attraction isn’t born out of been a pushover it’s born out of her feeling like you can protect her, lead and look after her. It’s not easy this and it’s a burden as a man but your reward is her sexuality and genuine (not obligated) desire.

There are more than enough resources on the internet and in books for a guy who actually wants to do this. You just have to want it enough. We live in a time when everything is instant, on demand and available on credit. This isn’t like this at all. It takes work which people don’t want to do.
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LOL NO.. on so many levels.. half of these are WHY you'd be failing....
 
LuckyBenski said:
This is the "I would like a healthy relationship" thread, not the "Pick Up Artists, collect your fedora here" thread :D
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Because there are so many of them in this discussion thread aren’t they. No hats involved.
!bluetonic! said:
:p

Can we elaborate more on rule#14?

Can we get a moderator's perspective?
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Porn is pretty bad for you. That’s pretty self explanatory surely?
 
MaX_PoWah said:
Having you got some constructive criticism or just acronyms?

I was failing pretending that this is not reality.
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Oooh salty... How about your "guide" is a "guide" how to get laid rather than how to have a relationship? Relationship is not just having sex. Success is not just having a woman (or man if you prefer) willing to have (or desiring) to have sex with you.

I think you needed a different thread
 
MaX_PoWah said:
Having you got some constructive criticism or just acronyms?

I was failing pretending that this is not reality.
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Your advice is sound, most men on here just don't want to hear it because they're basically low status males who hate the idea of having to self improve
 
Roar87 said:
Your advice is sound, most men on here just don't want to hear it because they're basically low status males who hate the idea of having to self improve
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10. Going to places where there is a greater abundance of hot girls so you can learn quicker. London, Manchester, Ibiza. Barcelona, Lisbon, Bratislava. Most small towns are terrible for learning as there are too few hot girls so your never going to win, again she knows this, so go where your treated better due to the abundance.
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This is absolute nonsense lmao.
 
Everyone is giving MaX_PoWah a hard time. I expected this as soon as I saw the post. But let's break each point down and see what's really being said. What I think he's really saying is be the best person you can. I've been married for 21 years so I have no recent experience. But I can see what he is saying.

MaX_PoWah said:
1. Work at the gym which includes self motivation even when you don’t want to do it. If you don’t hate the sight of the gym and or the weights your not doing it right.
- Get physically fit. Of course women prefer a physically fit man. Men like the same in a woman. So I agree with this point.

2. staying off alcohol at least 2/3 days a week
- Drinking every day affects you physically and mentally. If you want to be your best person then drinking in moderation is a good idea. Again agree with this point.

3. learning to cook and eat healthily
- This is good avice regardledd of dating. It helps achieve 1 and 2. I'm a rubbish cook but would like to be a better one.

4. hopefully benefiting from your lack of bad choices earlier in life
- Not sure there is much option to avoid previous bad decisions. All you can do is realise where you've made mistakes in the past and try to improve yourself from that point onwards.

5. Learning game and been able to manage girls in the psychological as that’s where they exist primarily. You have to be able to confidently manage her moods or she will work this out and manipulate you. This is even more important with hot younger girls as she’s had a lifetime already of guys trying to hit on her.
- I think the reference to "game" has annoyed people. I hate the term too. But I can see how understanding basic psychology would help when wanting other people to find you attractive (attractive doesn't just mean in a physical sense but also in a self confident, prepared to lead sense).

6. Learning to ruthlessly and confidently cold approach girls in person and warm approaching during evenings / bar scene. You have to be able to take positives from every interaction, not be ego invested in outcomes or take anything personally. Trust me she won’t. She will forget about you instantly if she’s a hot girl and you drop the ball.
- All this means is to play the numbers game. Don't be shy to approach women. Don't worry about being turned down. Always be respectful of course. But importantly learn from the encounters what works and doesn't work. Before I was married I was terribly shy. But strangly after I was married I wasn't chatting to women to attract them and they suddenly seemed far more interested in me as I wasn't worried about needing a certain outcome.

7. Having money. This is going to look different for different guys but you need to be not broke with some savings and some buffers against potential issues. Hot girls don’t want broke guys generally speaking, especially in there 30’s, although there are exceptions. Learn how to manage and invest your money.
- Always good life advice. Some women (not all) do like a man with money. But it's good advise regardless.

8. Having a clean place which has a masculine edge to it
- I can see why this would be important when you eventually manage to get a woman back to your place. Your home is a manifestation of yourself. It's similar to body langauge.

9. Reading lots of books so you have things to talk about and a view on the world
- Become a knowledgable and interesting person. That's always attractive.

10. Going to places where there is a greater abundance of hot girls so you can learn quicker. London, Manchester, Ibiza. Barcelona, Lisbon, Bratislava. Most small towns are terrible for learning as there are too few hot girls so your never going to win, again she knows this, so go where your treated better due to the abundance.
- Again this is just playing a numbers game. More people, more opportunity.

11. A lot of this will likely have to be done on your own as your average 30’s guy is probably holding onto a crumbling social circle from earlier in life due to friends having kids etc but be on the look out for new friends who are interested in this also. Having competition is a great motivator.
- True.

12. Understanding feminine nature and what they are really all about at different phases in there life. Men and women are different.
- This is similar to the "game" point above. Understanding people, their desires and motivations is important.

13. Understanding that we have all spent too much time behind screens as young men these days and it’s retarded our social acuity. You have to push past all this and get better.
- I think this is less important nowadays. But everything in moderation is important to make you a well balanced and well rounded person.

14. Moderating your use of porn.
- The jury is out on this one but I can see how use of porn and not only change the way you think and act around women but also how it can affect your drives and desires.

15. Been aware of the “yes girl” dynamic. The handful of times your getting action from a night out or your social circle or even online dating doesn’t mean what your doing is good enough. Your just finding a “yes girl”. You’d have to do a lot wrong in that situation. You need to be turning maybe’s into yes’s and then you can act from a position of abundance and at the very least choose from a few options rather than “I’ve found a girl which will touch me” which is the position most guys choose from.
- I don't really have any comment either way on this one.

16. Not been afraid to disagree with her or call out her bad behaviour. Listen to her and take her opinion into consideration because your not a misogynist but your having a sexual relationship with her she’s not one of your bros. Attraction isn’t born out of been a pushover it’s born out of her feeling like you can protect her, lead and look after her. It’s not easy this and it’s a burden as a man but your reward is her sexuality and genuine (not obligated) desire.
- Agree with this for all aspects of life and not just in relationships. Always be hinest with yourself and act with integrity. Don't always bend to others will.
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