I don't expect anyone to read the ream of text below, it's just cathartic writing it out and expressing my thoughts currently...
So it's been about 3 weeks since my partner of over 7 years left me and took my 1 year old son and moved 150 miles north to live with her mum, slightly out the blue (although we've not been great for a few years, especially during covid). I've been speaking to so many friends and family, who can't believe how she's behaved, but are also now telling me they truthfully never liked her, thought she was odd etc, which deep down I've always known. I've also been told of things she's been telling people for years - pretty nasty, horriblr things about me which are simply untrue and deeply painful (like I've been abusive, have forced her into sex, cheated on her multiple times her etc).
I'm starting to look back on her personality and behaviour over the time we were together, and only now seeing how much of a narcissist and compulsive liar she's been throughout, yet always making me feel like the one at fault. I'm also slowly emerging from the fog of the relationship and can't believe I've stuck around for so long, it's like I couldn't see the wood for the trees while I was 'in' it. But I can still admit I love her deeply, but know this is something I need to get over. My biggest regret now is the life my son will have to live - growing up with a deeply negative mother who's mentally unstable and very unlikely to achieve anything in life (while together she never held down a stable job, never attempted to learn to drive, never tried to make friends, try new things etc, didn't even get as far as A-levels or university and still managed to blame this on her own mother), living at grannies who is also clinically depressed (signed off work and on permanant meds) and a hoarder, living in a city with limited prospects. His only chance is having me be the best positive force in his life, a father he can rely on no matter what, who'll give him every opportunity available, and who has an amazing network of family and friends who'll also be there for him.
I also met a girl today at work, only 1 year younger than me, and ended up working with her for an hour or so while it was quiet. We had such an amazing chat in between jobs, had so many similar goals in life, so down to earth, talked about cars, home DIY, hiking, travel etc, so mature, full of energy and life. While I'm in no position or have any desire to date, it was like a breath of fresh air, like a realisation there's still single girls out there (she clarified this) who actually match my life ambitions and personality. I won't lie, I feel so guilty about feeling good while chatting to her, like I'd forgotten how crap my life had become (and currently feels) as I absolutely know dating is a distant reality for me as it's still so recent (although like I say, the relationship has probably been dead for much longer). But it gave me the chance to see at least a glimpse of light down the path, like these aren't my last gasps for air.
There is life after loss. I just need to push onwards.
