If you are an older guy it's expected of you to have an decent income and own place. So women wouldn't ask, it's apart of being an adult
On a serious note, what age range are you going for?
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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If you are an older guy it's expected of you to have an decent income and own place. So women wouldn't ask, it's apart of being an adult
On a serious note, what age range are you going for?
Dont forget to add that you can kiss goodbye to regular sex with your partner for the foreseeable future as well
.This is how i felt before i had kids.
one is 8 and the other is 4, both are IVF.
Ill add that i still feel that way and so do a lot of people that are too afraid to admit it. There is just too much going on in peoples lives nowa days and bringing up kids is harder than it ever has been. I dont want sympathy, both my wife and myself chose to have them but i went with my heart and not my head.
The hardest part about it is that i have to work like crazy to make ends meet and that seriously impacts the amount of time i have to spend with my kids and the relationship i can build with them. Its getting harder too due to the stresses put on family's with the cost of everything going up.
Dont get me started on how it affects the relationship you have with your partner. In the early years (the first 10 or so) you basically have to hold onto the connection and carve out time for each other. Its little wonder why and how so many people split up. The pressures of providing and bringing up kids can force people to lose that important connection and even if they do stay together they will never really get it back once the kids have flown the nest. a lot of the time people just split up when the kids go. What a massive waste of time of someones life. Not always but very very often it does.
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The sex can get boring after the first month of the relationship. A lot of relationships can be based on just sex these days. The companionship isn't that strong either but I think it boils down comparability in terms of companionship, then there are the silly arguments from time to time. As I said before the idea of something is always nice but the reality is often different.Dont forget to add that you can kiss goodbye to regular sex with your partner for the foreseeable future as well
This is how i felt before i had kids.
one is 8 and the other is 4, both are IVF.
Ill add that i still feel that way and so do a lot of people that are too afraid to admit it. There is just too much going on in peoples lives nowa days and bringing up kids is harder than it ever has been. I dont want sympathy, both my wife and myself chose to have them but i went with my heart and not my head.
The hardest part about it is that i have to work like crazy to make ends meet and that seriously impacts the amount of time i have to spend with my kids and the relationship i can build with them. Its getting harder too due to the stresses put on family's with the cost of everything going up.
Dont get me started on how it affects the relationship you have with your partner. In the early years (the first 10 or so) you basically have to hold onto the connection and carve out time for each other. Its little wonder why and how so many people split up. The pressures of providing and bringing up kids can force people to lose that important connection and even if they do stay together they will never really get it back once the kids have flown the nest. a lot of the time people just split up when the kids go. What a massive waste of time of someones life. Not always but very very often it does.
If you are an older guy it's expected of you to have an decent income and own place. So women wouldn't ask, it's apart of being an adult
On a serious note, what age range are you going for?
I'm not really into that way of thinking... "Its expected of me to have my own place and decent income" it all sounds a bit cold. I'm not really into that walk of life. I want a woman to want me for who I am as a person and not what material things I have.
The age range I'm looking for is 20 to 45... 50 at a push if she is really nice looking.
The women that I find attractive aren't interested in me but the women that find me attractive I'm not attracted to them its always the way. Sometimes I've had to make compromises and other times I've completely missed opportunities on really attractive women who have liked me but I either messed it up or to late to react.
Dont forget to add that you can kiss goodbye to regular sex with your partner for the foreseeable future as well
This is how i felt before i had kids.
one is 8 and the other is 4, both are IVF.
Ill add that i still feel that way and so do a lot of people that are too afraid to admit it. There is just too much going on in peoples lives nowa days and bringing up kids is harder than it ever has been. I dont want sympathy, both my wife and myself chose to have them but i went with my heart and not my head.
The hardest part about it is that i have to work like crazy to make ends meet and that seriously impacts the amount of time i have to spend with my kids and the relationship i can build with them. Its getting harder too due to the stresses put on family's with the cost of everything going up.
Dont get me started on how it affects the relationship you have with your partner. In the early years (the first 10 or so) you basically have to hold onto the connection and carve out time for each other. Its little wonder why and how so many people split up. The pressures of providing and bringing up kids can force people to lose that important connection and even if they do stay together they will never really get it back once the kids have flown the nest. a lot of the time people just split up when the kids go. What a massive waste of time of someones life. Not always but very very often it does.
Interesting to hear.
It's great that we can talk here about such things. Imagine saying this to random people in public. You'd get shamed. Even more so if you were a woman unfortunately.
Must be a hell of a lot of people who, like you say, won't admit it publicly or to themselves.
I know it would decimate my relationship. I know I'd be miserable. Luckily I don't want them. Some people might think it's a bad idea but the instinct to have them just overpowers everything.
I'd go from a comfortable life, not rich, not poor. To stressed, worried about money, no time. Etc etc.
And like you say. You and your partner basically have to live separate lives. For years!
I don't envy you. Thanks for sharing!
Please dont forget that even though my head said no, my heart said yes because deep down in the bottom of my heart I wanted them for my wife because I love her deeply and still do. To feel like that about someone is an awesome thing that no movie, book or game can recreate, it's pure and simple. You have to basically bare all to do it and if you are lucky enough to find someone else to do the same then thats awesome too. You just gotta hope it stays that way though all the **** and if it does great but the odds are stacked against you. That's just the fact of it.
The one thing that I never understood is that your parents never tell you about all the ****, never do they say that relationships bring so much comprimise and sacrifice and that when the kids come along those things that you have built just get shattered and broken down.
You better hope that you have good foundations before those kids come along because if you don't it will fall apart.
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I find it interesting reading that someone else doesn't want children.
I've never wanted them, but when I tell people that in real life the reactions are always quite negative, and almost as if what I'm saying is weird.
I just feel like it would be a burden (I know that sounds harsh).
Obviously had I had them younger I may have changed how I feel, but as I get older using my age as an excuse is normally valid.
I've never wanted them, but when I tell people that in real life the reactions are always quite negative, and almost as if what I'm saying is weird.
I just feel like it would be a burden (I know that sounds harsh).
Obviously had I had them younger I may have changed how I feel, but as I get older using my age as an excuse is normally valid.
There's so much pessimism in this thread, don't get me wrong I've been there. But, it doesn't all have to be doom and gloom. @Retro6 Dude I totally get where you're coming from, I've been in a similar position of thinking there was no hope. Only I escaped a long term abusive relationship with a complete psychopath, had two young kids in tow, no job prospects, suicidal depression and had been utterly and completely financially ruined.
Dating sites are a numbers game, send 100 carefully crafted messages and you're lucky if you get one or two replies. Most girls on there think that because they get 10,000 messages a day means they're gods gift and that they should get a male model type with millions in the bank. To say, they're delusional for the most part is an understatement. Most of them are also either bat **** crazy or seriously damaged goods. But not all of them. I wanted what you want and went on dates with anyone that seemed interested, had tonnes of flings and one night stands but it was never right.
Then I stopped trying to find the right one, I got extremely specific about what I really wanted in a partner and just stopped compromising. Then, when my now fiancee of almost 7 years came into my life everything was just effortless and just worked. What I guess my covid addled brain is trying to say is that focus on yourself, put yourself out there but just let it happen organically. If it's meant to be it will just work.
Dating sites are a numbers game, send 100 carefully crafted messages and you're lucky if you get one or two replies. Most girls on there think that because they get 10,000 messages a day means they're gods gift and that they should get a male model type with millions in the bank. To say, they're delusional for the most part is an understatement. Most of them are also either bat **** crazy or seriously damaged goods. But not all of them. I wanted what you want and went on dates with anyone that seemed interested, had tonnes of flings and one night stands but it was never right.
Then I stopped trying to find the right one, I got extremely specific about what I really wanted in a partner and just stopped compromising. Then, when my now fiancee of almost 7 years came into my life everything was just effortless and just worked. What I guess my covid addled brain is trying to say is that focus on yourself, put yourself out there but just let it happen organically. If it's meant to be it will just work.
It doesn't sound harsh at all. Its a very big deal helping to bring another human life into the world and in my opinion I think its very important that the child has solid foundations such as good parents. If you have a child with a women and she breaks up with you or leaves you for somebody else its going to be hell. People can't just have kids there is a lot of other stuff to consider first so that the child will not have to suffer and that all takes time.
There are women out there who just want a baby and don't care about anything else. There are also men out there who are willing to get women pregnant without a second thought.
I always thought the hardest age to date would be mid 30s women with no kids.
If someone this age really wants kids they may not be looking for THE person but A person.
I'd go for younger or older myself. Obviously you do and should be able to trust people about such things. But I remember one of my friends recommend to another "just 'forget' to take the pill"
This girl was in her mid 30s and had not long been dating a guy, but was desperate for kids
I did call her out on this as I thought it was a terrible thing to say.
Well unfortunately you need to change your way of thinking. It may sound cold but I'm sure you have been with enough women to know they are WAY MORE colder than men yet women still and always do control the dating market.
We all want women to want us for who we are as a person and not what material things we have but life doesn't work like that. If it did then you see a whole bunch of women lining up to be with all those homeless men you see on the streets of London. Women are attracted to men who can protect and provide.
I am 38 and I only date women in their 20's, at a push I could go to early 30's but they need to tick more boxes to keep (not get) my attention. My current girlfriend is 33, we meet when she was 31. She knows I go for younger women and anything close to my age or older is an absolute no. I don't care how hot they are. Dating younger women, like in their 20's has more benefits compared to someone in the 30's and older. Such as less likely to have "Baby Rabies" because their biological clock is ticking.
So perhaps going for women who are 10 to 15 years younger than you is the sweet spot. Anything older, don't pay attention to. You should be in your prime at 40 years old so make of use it. Not every woman is going to like you, that's apart of life. We as men have a lot more hoops to jump through compared to women. But that's the fault of men, not having high standards. That's why many women get away with the unrealistic exceptions they have for what they want in a man.
As @Vidar said, its a numbers game. You can play and get results or sit on the side and do nothing. But people who do nothing, get nothing and life doesn't reward the lazy. Same applies to the dating market.
We do have it tougher than women on the dating scene but that's because too many men are chasing after the same women. The below average woman, crossed eyed, overweight, one hand bent backwards with a selfie taken a dirty bedroom is going to get way more matches compared the average or just above average guy. You do what you can to standout and attract the woman you want.
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Absolutely, and then the child is caught in the middle through no fault of their own.
One thing I’m curious about for anyone here that doesn’t want children. Does that stop you from dating someone with children?
I feel that strongly that I won’t even date someone with them, the thing is that makes it harder to meet a woman as after a certain age more women have them than not.
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The only way I'd have dated someone with kids is if they were older. I just don't think you can get that awesome "this is a new relationship" thing with kids around. Maybe, maybe if they were amazing in all other aspects. But I think there's enough choice out there not to compromise on that.
Maybe if the parents shared the parenting 50/50. But a single mum with kid all time at home? I'd rather avoid
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Yeah absolutely agree. If someone has children that don’t even live at home that would be easier to deal with.
But I’ve tried with someone with young children and even that felt like a burden as nothing is straight forward as they always have to consider the child when planning stuff (of course I wouldn’t expect to be put first) and it’s a massive turn off.
Edit: one last thing, how old are you? And what age women are you dating?
I’m late 30’s (38) and prefer dating older women anyway. I find generally they’re more settled, less messing about and they just want to enjoy life. There are exceptions of course but give me a 50 year old over a late 20’s early 30’s
But I’ve tried with someone with young children and even that felt like a burden as nothing is straight forward as they always have to consider the child when planning stuff (of course I wouldn’t expect to be put first) and it’s a massive turn off.
Edit: one last thing, how old are you? And what age women are you dating?
I’m late 30’s (38) and prefer dating older women anyway. I find generally they’re more settled, less messing about and they just want to enjoy life. There are exceptions of course but give me a 50 year old over a late 20’s early 30’s
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I'm 35 now and have a gf. Who's younger and doesn't want kids. (established early days)
If I was single and if I even wanted to date again I think I'd consider older. Got their **** together. Hopefully less bs etc etc.
I think a large demographic of the forum are 30s ish
For me, yes.
It was only recently I decided I wanted kids but my policy was and still is never date single mothers. As I wasn't going to pour my time and resources into another man's child or children. No benefit to me dating them compared to a person without kids.
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It’s good that it was established early on, it’s not fair on some people to not mention something and then later tell them.
The only thing I’ve seen in the past is you tell someone something at the start, it’s accepted but then at a certain point they bring it up and try and convince you otherwise.
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Totally agree, and then in some cases there’s always a connection to the ex, coming every other week etc to pick children up.
Like yourself I see no benefit to choosing someone with children.
The only exception potentially is if I met someone in the real world, we really got on and then found out she had children.
But on a dating app, it’s different. Set your filter and job done.
I was like that once, then you notice how fast women age compared to men. I changed my preference to younger all the time
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I was like that once, then you notice how fast women age compared to men. I changed my preference to younger all the time
But you can upgrade at that point lol (that was a joke)
I think once I’m 50 if I’m still single I’d just change it to 10 years younger lol