The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Doesn't sound good.

Maintaining a lasting relationship always requires consistent effort and this can be particularly challenging when one party (or multiple in this case) has experienced significant trauma. I know you've said she's currently on a waiting list for therapy but given the nature of her situation, it's likely that she will need long-term therapy, which could take a number of years before she can actively begin her healing journey.

The psychological principle that it is essential to reach a certain level of self-acceptance and contentment before you can have a healthy relationship with another person often comes up. Of course, no one has absolute clarity about every aspect of their life and we all carry some baggage. However, when it comes to significant unresolved trauma, it has a tendency to recur and negatively affect interpersonal relationships until it is properly addressed and processed.
 
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Not being able to effectively talk is a huge problem, when I have a point to make she doesn't actually seem to hear me and defaults to the blaming herself for everything which gets us nowhere.

I do what I can, when I can. I take care of all the admin and bills etc, I do what jobs I can on my crutches or walker but can't do much or consistently without putting myself totally out of action with my leg raised for several days.
 
You probably don't want to hear this, but you may need some additional counselling together to deal with the breakdown in communication. Without that, you can't really move forward.

If she has a problem with how much you can do around the house, then this needs to be communicated effectively, but given your two situations, that's unlikely. A short-term option might be to hire a cleaner, if you can afford it.
 
Sounds like she needs to adopt an approach of saying how things are or how she feels, not all the time but to avoid repressing true thoughts / feelings that lead to a dramatic events like a surprise ‘walk out’.

In my experience, saying what may at first instance seem like a brutal truth can actually revealed upon saying it as yes a truth but one that is a temporal assessment, compounded in intensity from a lack of expression. There can be other conflicting truths that coexist, but we can often only experience one at a time. Living a narrative where a status quo is workable (when it’s not) is exhausting. Sometimes things that are rubbish need calling out as being rubbish. You can then actually attack the problem.
 
Vidar said:
Not being able to effectively talk is a huge problem, when I have a point to make she doesn't actually seem to hear me and defaults to the blaming herself for everything which gets us nowhere.

I do what I can, when I can. I take care of all the admin and bills etc, I do what jobs I can on my crutches or walker but can't do much or consistently without putting myself totally out of action with my leg raised for several days.
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Its a killer.
If don't talk things snowball then explode.
Obviously youve identified and know this. So no one needs to drone on about how important it is.

All you can do is try to get the talk going.

At least you'll know you've done everything you can to try and make things work. That's all anyone can ask.
 
Do you have any other family members Aunts? your eldest daughter could speak/confide in , or trusted neighbours - another adult sounding board,
who could console her that the situation is not of her making.
 
@Ayahuasca See that's just it, I'm happy to hear it. Hell, I've even suggested it. Again, we're waiting on Camhs who've recommended family therapy to actually get it started. Unfortunately with living on benefits the option for going private just isn't there.

I've suggested getting a cleaner in, even just for a few hours a week but she's refused, saying she'd be so embarrassed she'd have to deep clean the entire house before hand, so what's the point.

I mean at this point as I write this out I'm realising more and more how perilous the situation is. As my Dad used to say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If she's refusing to accept what help I can provide I can't force her.

@413x Thanks, I can honestly say I'll keep trying to make things work so long as there's anything to work on. There's so much riding on it, not just how I feel about things but the kids and everything else. If we split, she'd move back to Shropshire with our daughter I suspect as other than me she's got no family in Liverpool or support.

One thing I feel the need to consider now though is planning for any potential exit as much as possible. Something I never thought I'd need.
 
Vidar said:
@Ayahuasca See that's just it, I'm happy to hear it. Hell, I've even suggested it. Again, we're waiting on Camhs who've recommended family therapy to actually get it started. Unfortunately with living on benefits the option for going private just isn't there.

I've suggested getting a cleaner in, even just for a few hours a week but she's refused, saying she'd be so embarrassed she'd have to deep clean the entire house before hand, so what's the point.

I mean at this point as I write this out I'm realising more and more how perilous the situation is. As my Dad used to say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If she's refusing to accept what help I can provide I can't force her.

@413x Thanks, I can honestly say I'll keep trying to make things work so long as there's anything to work on. There's so much riding on it, not just how I feel about things but the kids and everything else. If we split, she'd move back to Shropshire with our daughter I suspect as other than me she's got no family in Liverpool or support.

One thing I feel the need to consider now though is planning for any potential exit as much as possible. Something I never thought I'd need.
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Never hurts to be prepared for the worst. I have worked in same myself.
Sorry. I missed the "our daughter" bit. You have a daughter with her? That's really tough. I'm not sure of the legal stuff but if she moves geographically away that's even more pain.

Sounds like you are trying what you can. Just hope it works out. Or at the least she's honest with you and doesn't drag it out if she already knows.
 
jpaul said:
Do you have any other family members Aunts? your eldest daughter could speak/confide in , or trusted neighbours - another adult sounding board,
who could console her that the situation is not of her making.
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She's under Camhs and they've already been out to talk to her about it. Unfortunately there's not really anyone else. My sisters are both international and my brother and I aren't close. Her incubators family have all abandoned her.
 
413x said:
Never hurts to be prepared for the worst. I have worked in same myself.
Sorry. I missed the "our daughter" bit. You have a daughter with her? That's really tough. I'm not sure of the legal stuff but if she moves geographically away that's even more pain.

Sounds like you are trying what you can. Just hope it works out. Or at the least she's honest with you and doesn't drag it out if she already knows.
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Yeah we have a 5yr old together, I know enough from the continuous legal battles with the psychotic abusive ex to know I'd be able to block or even reverse any geographical moves if I so chose. But, I wouldn't want to go through that or put her or our daughter through that. Besides I'm almost entirely housebound as it is, it's not as if I can do anything exciting with her without my fiancée anyway. If the worst dies happen it would be best if we could be on good terms fir our daughter.

Honestly the moment I realise it's utterly done, I'll pull the rip chord myself. Experience of dragging things out has never paid off.

What's confusing me is she's now essentially acting as if she's just gone for a regular break to her Mums.
 
Been a rough couple of days :(

I've had the feeling something has been off for a few weeks now - other half has been very distant, glued to her phone, barely talking to me, and being very snappy when she does, being quite secretive, sleeping all day on her days off (she works a few night shifts so this isn't necessarily a bad sign, but coupled with everything else...), selling loads of stuff on Vinted etc., asking to borrow little bits of money here and there, and she's had several new cards come through in the last few days.

Also spotted an email exchange with bingo site in her account asking to have her account reinstated (I wasn't snooping - looking for a postage label she'd asked me to print).

I originally put it down to her depression, losing her dad last year, having some issues at work, but the recent money stuff makes me suspect she's gambling again, and judging on the new accounts and borrowing, it's gotten out of control quite quickly.

Not looking forward to the conversation as I can guarantee I'm going to get my head bitten off and made out to be the bad guy :(

Don't know if I'm asking for advice or what really. Haven't slept or eaten properly the last few days, so meh.
 
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Gambling is no joke. I've had to help family members with gambling problems and it can be very difficult for both parties. In my experience, they are very reluctant (and possibly incapable) of admitting the extent of their problems and debt. Also, from personal experience, I've been told the extent of debt is X, only for it to significantly increase from that, which then damages trust. On the other side, it was also extremely invasive and humiliating (to the gambler) for me to have to micromanage their finances and caused resentment at me, which is an aspect that you should be sensitive to and not overlook. This happened to someone who I would never in a million years expect to have a gambling problem.

You should raise it ASAP on the basis that it's a joint problem for you and something you may require each other's strength to sort. From the sounds of it, if it's not already 'bad' then could be on the cusp of being so, therefore she will need to be proactive in managing it. It's no good saying "I have a problem" only when you are in serious financial trouble or full addiction; you need to catch it before then <- worth saying.

Bah, I ****ing hate gambling.
 
Sorry to hear about your troubles @Haggisman

Never had to deal with issues around money like that before. But as above, it's horrible thing. Nothing else can get rid of money so quickly as that.

Hope you can figure it out and it isn't too stressful. Horrible situation!
 
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