The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Cheers guys - she did it before a few years ago, but eventually came out and told me, signed up to Gamstop and as far as I was aware, that was the end of it. Behaviour was very much the same before she spoke up, which is why I have my suspicions. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but all the warning signs are there. Like you say @Nitefly, the loss of money is only part of it - the loss of trust is far more significant. Struggling to resist the urge to go looking through her emails and internet history to see what else she's signed up for recently :(
 
Haggisman said:
Cheers guys - she did it before a few years ago, but eventually came out and told me, signed up to Gamstop and as far as I was aware, that was the end of it. Behaviour was very much the same before she spoke up, which is why I have my suspicions. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but all the warning signs are there. Like you say @Nitefly, the loss of money is only part of it - the loss of trust is far more significant. Struggling to resist the urge to go looking through her emails and internet history to see what else she's signed up for recently :(
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Don’t do it. Been there, did it, still regret it.
 
Yeah, you don't rebuild trust by breaking it just to appease your own feelings.

It's going to be a difficult discussion, it sounds like, but you have to be able to communicate and work through things in any relationship.
 
I really feel for you here. Not gambling related but my partner and I have our weaknesses and disorders, and can end up in similar situations with the secretiveness and warning signs.

When I make a new female friend and talk about her all the time/spend time with her, my girlfriend will give me a quiet "Do I need to worry about this?". This is an opportunity for me to reassure her, but it's also a flag for me that I'm going down a road that could lead to bad places, and check myself. Plus it means the issue is already on the table and acknowledged, so if we have to raise it for future discussion it's not as painful as bringing it up out of "nowhere".

It's the same with her issues, I can say "Are you doing OK with XXX lately?" - It's not so much that I want a direct answer but I'm opening up the discussion in case she needs to say "Yeah I'm slipping here and I need some support/checking in".

This isn't meant to show off btw, "Oh look how great my relationship is" - quite the opposite. We've been through many rough times and survived, so we have developed a bit of a toolset for dealing with these rocky patches.
 
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LuckyBenski said:
I really feel for you here. Not gambling related but my partner and I have our weaknesses and disorders, and can end up in similar situations with the secretiveness and warning signs.

When I make a new female friend and talk about her all the time/spend time with her, my girlfriend will give me a quiet "Do I need to worry about this?". This is an opportunity for me to reassure her, but it's also a flag for me that I'm going down a road that could lead to bad places, and check myself. Plus it means the issue is already on the table and acknowledged, so if we have to raise it for future discussion it's not as painful as bringing it up out of "nowhere".

It's the same with her issues, I can say "Are you doing OK with XXX lately?" - It's not so much that I want a direct answer but I'm opening up the discussion in case she needs to say "Yeah I'm slipping here and I need some support/checking in".

This isn't meant to show off btw, "Oh look how great my relationship is" - quite the opposite. We've been through many rough times and survived, so we have developed a bit of a toolset for dealing with these rocky patches.
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NP, I get that, (IMO) anyone who says their relationship doesn't have rough patches is either a) lying or b) not really invested in the relationship.

I did ask her if everything was OK with money when she started selling loads of stuff, but she said she was just having a clearout ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
Haggisman said:
Cheers guys - she did it before a few years ago, but eventually came out and told me, signed up to Gamstop and as far as I was aware, that was the end of it. Behaviour was very much the same before she spoke up, which is why I have my suspicions. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but all the warning signs are there. Like you say @Nitefly, the loss of money is only part of it - the loss of trust is far more significant. Struggling to resist the urge to go looking through her emails and internet history to see what else she's signed up for recently :(
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I highly recommend you don’t go through emails/messages.


I haven’t read that far back so apologies if I missed anything, but have you tried explaining what you suspect and, most importantly, why?


Maybe do it over a takeaway, don’t big up the conversation. Don’t preempt it, just go in with “hey, wanted to get your thoughts on something” and go from there.


Be open, encouraging and calm. She might not well be ready to talk about it yet, but set the environment and tone of the conversation such that she feels as comfortable as possible to open up about it :)


I really hope you’re able to get through it together. Wish you all the best
 
Haggisman said:
Cheers guys - she did it before a few years ago, but eventually came out and told me, signed up to Gamstop and as far as I was aware, that was the end of it. Behaviour was very much the same before she spoke up, which is why I have my suspicions. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but all the warning signs are there. Like you say @Nitefly, the loss of money is only part of it - the loss of trust is far more significant. Struggling to resist the urge to go looking through her emails and internet history to see what else she's signed up for recently :(
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Hope you get it sorted - but make sure the discussion happens asap.... Doing nothing about it, and trying to "avoid" the conflict will only make things worse.
 
IvanDobskey said:
I have never understood gambling myself, but I do know it can get some people real good :( Ruins a lot of peoples lives.

Hoping you sort it out with your partner @Haggisman
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It’s a disease of desperation that ruins lives. There is a young chap where i used to work i’ve spoken to a few times not that it’s my place to tell him how to spend his wage but he lives with his parents and every friday his £460 almost entirely goes on bets and he sometimes wins but it’s always put straight back on until the inevitable.

Also know an older bloke who also still lives with his mum who liked a bet. He won around £75,000 a couple of years ago on poker. A great opportunity for anyone to start fresh etc he paid off a few small debts (less than £5000) got a cheap ish used car

and a few months later the remainder was all gambled away
 
FloppyPoppy said:
It’s a disease of desperation that ruins lives. There is a young chap where i used to work i’ve spoken to a few times not that it’s my place to tell him how to spend his wage but he lives with his parents and every friday his £460 almost entirely goes on bets and he sometimes wins but it’s always put straight back on until the inevitable.

Also know an older bloke who also still lives with his mum who liked a bet. He won around £75,000 a couple of years ago on poker. A great opportunity for anyone to start fresh etc he paid off a few small debts (less than £5000) got a cheap ish used car

and a few months later the remainder was all gambled away
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I don't think she's doing it for the perceived financial gain, as while we're certainly not "rich" by any stretch of the imagination, we're definitely not struggling either.

My guess is some kind of escapism/for the rush because of her depression :(
 
Quartz said:
Might the child's presence help you both keep calm? And be a learning experience for them on how adults can discuss serious issues in a responsible manner?
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No. Children should not be included in adult discussions.
If there is need to keep the conversation under control, then go to McDonalds and discuss it over a burger.

Haggisman said:
I don't think she's doing it for the perceived financial gain, as while we're certainly not "rich" by any stretch of the imagination, we're definitely not struggling either.

My guess is some kind of escapism/for the rush because of her depression :(
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Stop guessing and diagnosing. That is really not important at all. What is important is that she is hurting the people around here and she has to stop. This is not up to you, it is up to her. It is not something you need to understand, understanding it will not allow you to help her. Only she can help herself.

Don't overthink this, it's really simple. She must acknowledge her problem and devise a plan to change. If she does not do that, then you need to protect yourself and your family, because, like any addiction, she will drag you down with her. You can help her, but it's not your problem, and you can't solve it for her. Don't, whatever you do, allow her to pass the problem on to you.

This is one of the times you need to put your heart away and play with your head.
 
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I am trying online dating on a paid site, am not the best looking of men and am past my prime at 56. Am visiting my best friend this week, and she is going to do a makeover on me and try to take some half decent photos of me, even so I seem to be getting some interest in my profile. Despite having grammar school education and a City and Guilds in of all things general agriculture, I have had several smiles and messages from women with bachelors degrees. There might be hope for the old dog yet, it seems not all women are so shallow as to base attraction on looks only.
 
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13oots2 said:
I am trying online dating on a paid site, am not the best looking of men and am past my prime at 56. Am visiting my best friend this week, and she is going to do a makeover on me and try to take some half decent photos of me, even so I seem to be getting some interest in my profile. Despite having grammar school education and a City and Guilds in of all things general agriculture, I have had several smiles and messages from women with bachelors degrees. There might be hope for the old dog yet, it seems not all women are so shallow as to base attraction on looks only.
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Try speed dating. It's actually a lot of fun and you get more of an idea if there's mutual attraction straight away instead of a lot of 'pen pal' message sending.
 
13oots2 said:
Am visiting my best friend this week, and she is going to do a makeover on me and try to take some half decent photos of me, even so I seem to be getting some interest in my profile.
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This needs to be stated more, if you are single and actively looking, always get a woman's opinion, either someone of the opposite sex you are friends with or even women you work with.
 
C Kent said:
This needs to be stated more, if you are single and actively looking, always get a woman's opinion, either someone of the opposite sex you are friends with or even women you work with.
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I am testing out my new wardrobe with Kim and my Creed Aventus, I wish we had the spark as she is a wonderful friend, sadly am not her type.
 
13oots2 said:
I am testing out my new wardrobe with Kim and my Creed Aventus, I wish we had the spark as she is a wonderful friend, sadly am not her type.
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That's quite often the best sort of person to give advice though :) As mentioned a few posts above once you've got any 'improvements' done think about giving speed dating a whirl, its fun and most importantly any opportunity to build up some confidence with talking to women should be jumped on (I'm not saying you lack the confidence btw). If your friend is also single - which it looks like she is? - than both of you can go and give each other some feedback.
 
I don't want to write much because it's still so raw but my relationship ended on Saturday. Been together for three years but difficulties caused by our situations with kids and houses etc, along with differences in personalities, combined with a decline in my mental health that I hadn't identified, have all contributed to it becoming too hard for my partner and she doesn't see a why that it can work.

We've ben going through a bit of a rocky patch but we've always been able to talk about things and try to work on them but over time it's just become too hard and the negatives have outweighed the positives for her.

If I'm completely honest it has crossed my mind at times when things have been hard but the positives have been so good I'd like to try to continue trying to work through the difficult things together but sadly that doesn't seem to be an option anymore. I'm gutted and feel really sad.

I've got a doctors appointment later as I think a bit of time back on sertraline might be a good idea for me to help me pick myself back up, and I'll be seeing my counsellor on wednesday, having emailed her a list of the things I need to work on, some of which I guess I've been avoiding because they're been painful but I know I need to deal with them if I'm going to be happy in the long term, even if right now it's hard to feel positive about anything much, I feel so numb and lonely.

I've never been someone who has been able to make or keep friends very well and right now I'm really alone and have no one to talk to. My parents are really supportive and helpful with all of the practical stuff but the emotional stuff...well, we've never had that kind of relationship. Right now, the one person I most want to talk to in the world is the person who ended things and feels that right now we shouldn't communicate because our emotions are so raw.

I don't know what I hope to gain from this post, i guess I just wanted to get some of it out of my head.
 
valve90210 said:
I don't want to write much because it's still so raw but my relationship ended on Saturday. Been together for three years but difficulties caused by our situations with kids and houses etc, along with differences in personalities, combined with a decline in my mental health that I hadn't identified, have all contributed to it becoming too hard for my partner and she doesn't see a why that it can work.

We've ben going through a bit of a rocky patch but we've always been able to talk about things and try to work on them but over time it's just become too hard and the negatives have outweighed the positives for her.

If I'm completely honest it has crossed my mind at times when things have been hard but the positives have been so good I'd like to try to continue trying to work through the difficult things together but sadly that doesn't seem to be an option anymore. I'm gutted and feel really sad.

I've got a doctors appointment later as I think a bit of time back on sertraline might be a good idea for me to help me pick myself back up, and I'll be seeing my counsellor on wednesday, having emailed her a list of the things I need to work on, some of which I guess I've been avoiding because they're been painful but I know I need to deal with them if I'm going to be happy in the long term, even if right now it's hard to feel positive about anything much, I feel so numb and lonely.

I've never been someone who has been able to make or keep friends very well and right now I'm really alone and have no one to talk to. My parents are really supportive and helpful with all of the practical stuff but the emotional stuff...well, we've never had that kind of relationship. Right now, the one person I most want to talk to in the world is the person who ended things and feels that right now we shouldn't communicate because our emotions are so raw.

I don't know what I hope to gain from this post, i guess I just wanted to get some of it out of my head.
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Sorry to hear this :(

All I can suggest is to keep busy and try to take your mind off things. Do stuff to make you feel better about yourself. Maybe go to the gym or take up running. Maybe do some DIY projects.
 
That's pretty much my course of action, I'm told my boss and I'm working though doing so from home, as I don't really want to be a teary mess in the office and I'm going to focus on working through the tough stuff with my counsellor. Just finding it really hard to go over the feeling of wanting to talk to the person who has become my best friend.
 
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