The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Oh man... @valve90210, my guy. Nothing we say is going to ease the pain. It hurts and as unhelpful as this sounds, time is the ultimate healer. You're not alone though and we've all gone through what you are feeling. If you feel you have no one to talk to 'IRL' then letting it out on here is the next best thing.

Take this time to learn more about yourself. Therapy is great and something I never knew I needed until I had it. From the lessons you learn about yourself through therapy and things you learnt about yourself throughout your relationship will all be useful going forward in your next relationship.

My advice may be rubbish and verging on the toxic side but it's what got me through my last break up...

Listen to your body and your mind. If you want to cry? Go and bawl your eyes out. There is nothing wrong with that and sometimes you just need a good cry to let those emotions out. That's fine, healthy and don't be ashamed to let a tear or the whole river Nile out. It's your right.

Take up some hobbies or now use that new time you have to exercise or learn some new skills. Anything to take your mind away from 'it'. Every second you can spend thinking/learning about something new is one less second wasted on worrying about what you can't change.

Now the toxic stuff.. This all worked for me but your mileage may vary.

If you want to have a drink, smoke, whatever your vice is. Do it. As long as you know it's only a temporary fix and you're just masking the pain. Do it. Do what makes you feel good in the moment.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Rebound theory. Join back up to the dating sites like Tinder or Plenty of Fish and put yourself out there. There's another website which I wont directly mention but it is Fabulous and filled with Golf Swingers that is filled with likeminded people who just want to have fun with one another. Depends on the type of personality you have but it may well do wonders for your mind.

Ultimately time is the best healer. You may feel in a dark hole right now but that feeling is only temporary. Give it a few days/weeks/months and something will snap in your brain and you'll be back to the top tier gentleman I'm sure you are.

Hope you're feeling better soon, bud.
 
@Junglist Thank you for your words. :)

I know you're right and in time I'm sure I'll be ok but right now it's very raw. I'm very lucky to have retired parents who are very supportive...albeit it in very practical ways. I only work half days on a Monday so this afternoon they came round to keep me company and help me begin doing some decluttering which I'm sure will in time help with my mental wellbeing.

The doctor was quite nice and gave me a different antidepressant which apparently has less side effect risk, so I'll be starting on that this evening which I hope will help me. With all the reflecting and thinking I've done over the last couple of days, I can see that over the last several months I've slipped back into a bit of a depressive dip and have lacked motivation and positivity. Both factors which I'm sure have not helped my relationship and I am kicking myself for not having noticed my mood sooner but ho hum.

I've been seeing a counsellor for the last 5 1/2 years ever since I had a major bout of depression back in 2018. I know how incredibly helpful it can be, so much so that I have actually spent the last 4 years training to be a qualified counsellor! I'm nearly at the end of that journey (getting my client hours) which has I think also been a contributing factor as I have felt a little lost and without a focus or direction since my course finished.

I am not ashamed to admit I have shed many, many tears these last two days and I know I will continue to do so for the time being, it's a painful experience I'm going through!

The more toxic advice, I can certainly see the value in it for some people, for me I know it would be a slippery slope in a direction I don't want to go in! lol.
 
Well, to day has been an odd day. Having taken the first of my antidepressants last night before I went to sleep, today I have felt very little. I've not felt any sadness or anything really. I've decided I'm going to not take anymore and hold off for a few days because actually the break up is really sad and I think it's more healthy and ultimately better for me in the long run if I sit with the difficult emotion and get through it. I don't want to be talking to my counsellor tomorrow and not feeling any of the emotion.
 
valve90210 said:
Well, to day has been an odd day. Having taken the first of my antidepressants last night before I went to sleep, today I have felt very little. I've not felt any sadness or anything really. I've decided I'm going to not take anymore and hold off for a few days because actually the break up is really sad and I think it's more healthy and ultimately better for me in the long run if I sit with the difficult emotion and get through it. I don't want to be talking to my counsellor tomorrow and not feeling any of the emotion.
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You know that's exactly what I felt when I had them after my break up.

At the time I was thankful.
"flat" was better then the constant down feeling. They served their purpose. It allowed me to function.
 
413x said:
You know that's exactly what I felt when I had them after my break up.

At the time I was thankful.
"flat" was better then the constant down feeling. They served their purpose. It allowed me to function.
Click to expand...
I can certainly understand that, but I also know that I have, for most of my life, avoided difficult emotions, or have been kept clear of them by my parents, who were doing what they thought was best and protecting me. That has lead to me not having much in the way of emotional resilience. I know that by feeling the feelings, getting through them and recognising I'll will be ok, it helps to build the resilience, and that will be more beneficial to me in the long run.

That said, the tablets seem to be wearing off and I'm certainly feeling more teary again now, having been able to work from home all done reasonably well. But I want to feel that grief, I want to mourn the loss of a relationship I loved.
 
Not so much a relationship but not sure else where to post. Not even posting with any specific train of thought. Just words that come to my mind

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I knew this day was coming but I thought we’d get one last Christmas together. When my mum called I knew something was up but she was saying she was deteriorating quickly. I knew my mum wasn’t exaggerating and I don’t know what came over me but I collapsed at my desk in work in floods of tears and then told to leave to go be with her.

Don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast on the M4 I’m half expecting a speeding ticket but couldn’t care less right now. Barely been able to eat, drink or sleep since I left the office. Just feel surreal at the moment. I’m not the ‘strong’ one in our family. That’s my cousin. But he wasn’t there yesterday and having to console the family was tough. I’m glad I had that time in the office and drive home to try and process a bit by myself but I’m Still not sunk in yet though

She was a fighter until the end. Until her very last breath she was a formidable woman and I am glad she’s at peace and didn’t suffer but my lord i’s give anything to have her shout at me again, tell me to come over and mow the lawn/cut the hedges.

Just woke my partner up sobbing uncontrollably. It’s like writing these words are helping me get my feelings out

I’m disappointed in myself and I hope she can forgive me that I couldn’t stay until the undertakers came. I called 111 to register the death but I wanted to leave before they collect her as I don’t know when I’ll next get to see her.

Sorry.. this post probably goes all over the place and makes no sense. I’m just a broken man crying like a child wanting his grandmother and grandfather back.

For those of you lucky to have your grandparents. Please, for me, cherish them with all you got. Ask them about their life, their stories and what they were like growing up. Mama told me her stories a thousand times over but I just want to hear them again and again
 
valve90210 said:
That said, the tablets seem to be wearing off and I'm certainly feeling more teary again now, having been able to work from home all done reasonably well. But I want to feel that grief, I want to mourn the loss of a relationship I loved.
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I was on fluoxetine (prozac) years ago for depression caused by work pressure (and just feeling out of control with my life really) and I came to the same conclusion, I felt flat and numb, everything was just 'ok....'. I wasn't feeling the lows but also didn't seem to be able to appreciate the highs in life.
Getting off them was the best thing I ever did. I'd been on them for over a year and just felt bored for most of it, within a few weeks of coming off I started to feel passionately about stuff again (one way or the other).

It'll hurt like hell for a while, maybe a long while, but that's a natural part of life. I'm four years out of my last relationship (incidentally, I met her around the time I went on the prozac, no idea why she put up with me for so long!), but I feel in a better place for it now. You will too and I wish you all the best in that journey :)

Junglist said:
For those of you lucky to have your grandparents. Please, for me, cherish them with all you got. Ask them about their life, their stories and what they were like growing up. Mama told me her stories a thousand times over but I just want to hear them again and again
Click to expand...
Yep, so much this. I didn't realise until my grandad's funeral (which I had to watch over a video link due to covid lockdown) that I'd never really got to know any of my grandparents as an adult (he was the last, 2 died when I was very young and I can barely remember them at all). Hearing all the stories from his life was heart wrenching but also really beautiful, I had no idea he'd had such a life!

So sorry for your loss and I'm sure no-one will have an issue with you sharing it in this thread!
 
Junglist said:
Not so much a relationship but not sure else where to post. Not even posting with any specific train of thought. Just words that come to my mind

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I knew this day was coming but I thought we’d get one last Christmas together. When my mum called I knew something was up but she was saying she was deteriorating quickly. I knew my mum wasn’t exaggerating and I don’t know what came over me but I collapsed at my desk in work in floods of tears and then told to leave to go be with her.

Don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast on the M4 I’m half expecting a speeding ticket but couldn’t care less right now. Barely been able to eat, drink or sleep since I left the office. Just feel surreal at the moment. I’m not the ‘strong’ one in our family. That’s my cousin. But he wasn’t there yesterday and having to console the family was tough. I’m glad I had that time in the office and drive home to try and process a bit by myself but I’m Still not sunk in yet though

She was a fighter until the end. Until her very last breath she was a formidable woman and I am glad she’s at peace and didn’t suffer but my lord i’s give anything to have her shout at me again, tell me to come over and mow the lawn/cut the hedges.

Just woke my partner up sobbing uncontrollably. It’s like writing these words are helping me get my feelings out

I’m disappointed in myself and I hope she can forgive me that I couldn’t stay until the undertakers came. I called 111 to register the death but I wanted to leave before they collect her as I don’t know when I’ll next get to see her.

Sorry.. this post probably goes all over the place and makes no sense. I’m just a broken man crying like a child wanting his grandmother and grandfather back.

For those of you lucky to have your grandparents. Please, for me, cherish them with all you got. Ask them about their life, their stories and what they were like growing up. Mama told me her stories a thousand times over but I just want to hear them again and again
Click to expand...
Might not seem like it right now, but time is a great healer.
 
A week on and I'm still feeling really sad, I'm a bit better than I was but still not good. My son is struggling at the moment and the only person I had to talk to, I no longer have which is leaving me feeling very alone and isolated and dreading the next few weeks.
 
15 years and 6 months after meeting my wife called time on our relationship this week. We have had a number of bouts of drifting apart over the years but things always got better but slowly dipped again. She warned me last time was the last time she could go through it and so this time she wants to move on. We have talked a lot and there are lots of unresolved problems over the years through lack of communication. She has buried lots of things deep and not dealt with them or talked to me as she “found it easier to ignore it than cause an argument”.

It feels like death by 1000 cuts. We had plans for the future and only 8 weeks ago had been looking at house extensions and kitchens. She says she has been unhappy for months and has poured herself into her work. This left me feeling rejected as she spent more and more time on work so I admit I withdrew into myself and distanced myself from her. I thought I was giving her space after being so busy.

I feel completely numb at the moment. We talked twice this week. 4 days of limbo before her final decision. The stages of grief come fast and repeatedly. I just don’t know what to do. I miss her terribly and I thought we loved each other enough to always keep trying.

We have 2 children and she wants a normal Christmas for them so having to try and stay strong and holding things back.

To keep myself busy I have started looking at the practical sides and getting info around what to do with the house etc but it opens more questions and a new raw wound.

I am going to try and speak to GP Monday and also get help via a counsellor through work ASAP as I can feel myself coming undone.

The worst part that hurts is how flat she seems. She isn’t upset. She processed her feelings before raising it with me so it feels very 1 sided in grief at our loss.

The future looks bleak for now. I love her and can’t stop that. It’s been 24 hours since the final word on our relationship and I just don’t know what to do next. I never saw this coming. It shouldn’t have been this way.

Thanks for reading. I find the more I talk to friends or just post words and write it down it’s a way for me to process.
 
valve90210 said:
Well, to day has been an odd day. Having taken the first of my antidepressants last night before I went to sleep, today I have felt very little. I've not felt any sadness or anything really. I've decided I'm going to not take anymore and hold off for a few days because actually the break up is really sad and I think it's more healthy and ultimately better for me in the long run if I sit with the difficult emotion and get through it. I don't want to be talking to my counsellor tomorrow and not feeling any of the emotion.
Click to expand...
My wife started antidepressants a couple of weeks ago.
The first few weeks are really tough, with a dip in mood often following the start of medication - but it does tend to improve from there.

I’ve been there, I’ve done it - if you’re feeling low, please stick out 4-6 weeks of meds to see if it helps. :)
 
Junglist said:
Not so much a relationship but not sure else where to post. Not even posting with any specific train of thought. Just words that come to my mind

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I knew this day was coming but I thought we’d get one last Christmas together. When my mum called I knew something was up but she was saying she was deteriorating quickly. I knew my mum wasn’t exaggerating and I don’t know what came over me but I collapsed at my desk in work in floods of tears and then told to leave to go be with her.

Don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast on the M4 I’m half expecting a speeding ticket but couldn’t care less right now. Barely been able to eat, drink or sleep since I left the office. Just feel surreal at the moment. I’m not the ‘strong’ one in our family. That’s my cousin. But he wasn’t there yesterday and having to console the family was tough. I’m glad I had that time in the office and drive home to try and process a bit by myself but I’m Still not sunk in yet though

She was a fighter until the end. Until her very last breath she was a formidable woman and I am glad she’s at peace and didn’t suffer but my lord i’s give anything to have her shout at me again, tell me to come over and mow the lawn/cut the hedges.

Just woke my partner up sobbing uncontrollably. It’s like writing these words are helping me get my feelings out

I’m disappointed in myself and I hope she can forgive me that I couldn’t stay until the undertakers came. I called 111 to register the death but I wanted to leave before they collect her as I don’t know when I’ll next get to see her.

Sorry.. this post probably goes all over the place and makes no sense. I’m just a broken man crying like a child wanting his grandmother and grandfather back.

For those of you lucky to have your grandparents. Please, for me, cherish them with all you got. Ask them about their life, their stories and what they were like growing up. Mama told me her stories a thousand times over but I just want to hear them again and again
Click to expand...
Take care Junglist, our relationships with grandparents is often very special. Your grandmother must have been a wonderful woman, must have had so many stories to tell having lived through so many changes in society. She lives on in your memories and love
 
ShadowMan said:
15 years and 6 months after meeting my wife called time on our relationship this week. We have had a number of bouts of drifting apart over the years but things always got better but slowly dipped again. She warned me last time was the last time she could go through it and so this time she wants to move on. We have talked a lot and there are lots of unresolved problems over the years through lack of communication. She has buried lots of things deep and not dealt with them or talked to me as she “found it easier to ignore it than cause an argument”.

It feels like death by 1000 cuts. We had plans for the future and only 8 weeks ago had been looking at house extensions and kitchens. She says she has been unhappy for months and has poured herself into her work. This left me feeling rejected as she spent more and more time on work so I admit I withdrew into myself and distanced myself from her. I thought I was giving her space after being so busy.

I feel completely numb at the moment. We talked twice this week. 4 days of limbo before her final decision. The stages of grief come fast and repeatedly. I just don’t know what to do. I miss her terribly and I thought we loved each other enough to always keep trying.

We have 2 children and she wants a normal Christmas for them so having to try and stay strong and holding things back.

To keep myself busy I have started looking at the practical sides and getting info around what to do with the house etc but it opens more questions and a new raw wound.

I am going to try and speak to GP Monday and also get help via a counsellor through work ASAP as I can feel myself coming undone.

The worst part that hurts is how flat she seems. She isn’t upset. She processed her feelings before raising it with me so it feels very 1 sided in grief at our loss.

The future looks bleak for now. I love her and can’t stop that. It’s been 24 hours since the final word on our relationship and I just don’t know what to do next. I never saw this coming. It shouldn’t have been this way.

Thanks for reading. I find the more I talk to friends or just post words and write it down it’s a way for me to process.
Click to expand...

I don't see why she should expect a normal Christmas from you, you aren't obliged to do that if you personally aren't comfortable with it, you owe your children time spent with them at Christmas, you don't have to put on an act that you aren't comfortable with.

For you this is something new, for your wife she emotionally broke up with you a long time ago, she just recently got comfortable enough to tell you that it's officially over. So when you're seeing her being absolutely fine, it's because this break up happened for her a while ago.

Personally the classic advice is always the best, but keep yourself busy, see friends, exercise, do what you can to take your mind off it. The only thing that will make it better is time. You should accept it's over though and remember you don't owe her anything at this point except mutual cooperation for the benefit of your children, look after yourself because no one else will do that.
 
malachi said:
Funny you are expected to act normal for Christmas because of the kids when it was her decision to break up the family.

Seen this happen so many times, selfish people because they don't want to look like the bad guy.
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She's doing the best thing by ending it because clearly there's no romantic relationship there anymore, she shouldn't be punished for that, but at the same time he owes her nothing in regards to putting on an act over Christmas. Personally I would just flat out say no, set a precedent. This woman won't suddenly change her mind if he acts all nice over Christmas, and it'll be emotionally difficult to act like a family when in the back of his head it isn't the same anymore. She basically wants to break up with him but still have a family Christmas, that isn't how it should work.
 
I appreciate the comments. I have spoken to so many friends this week that I am starting to make future plans. Christmas will be what it will be. I have insisted we tell our eldest (14) before the day so he knows and can process. He knows we are having problems but not that its done. It will just be the 4 of us on the day so if he knows then I can be myself mostly. Our youngest won't notice the difference. He is 7 with ADHD so chances are he will be distracted by anything before he has a clue anything is up.

Me and her talked today to just get through some of the emotional bits for me. You are right that for her this happened weeks/months ago. I have told her for it is raw though and if she wants to be amicable and remain friendly then I still need support from her to get through it. Some friends and family think there are underlying issues with her that are causing this and she will regret it. They may be right but it isn't my problem now. She has to find her own path and whilst I will be a friend it won't be the same so she has to rein in her expectations.

We have started conversations around assets and children but lots to go through as for now the timing is really poor with Christmas, our mortgage expiring in March and having to get HMRC to update tax codes due to HICBC which I won't have to pay. Need to get my affordability sorted to see if I can buy her out of the house or not. Its a close call at the moment if I can get it.

For daily life I have to keep busy. Never cleaned so much in my life. Weight is falling off but not eating properly yet so that will likely return. Just need to focus on me and my boys now. Can't change her mind. Not sure I would want to now so will look to the future. Not looking forward to getting back into the dating pool at 40 though!
 
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