The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

valve90210 said:
I don't want to write much because it's still so raw but my relationship ended on Saturday. Been together for three years but difficulties caused by our situations with kids and houses etc, along with differences in personalities, combined with a decline in my mental health that I hadn't identified, have all contributed to it becoming too hard for my partner and she doesn't see a why that it can work.

We've ben going through a bit of a rocky patch but we've always been able to talk about things and try to work on them but over time it's just become too hard and the negatives have outweighed the positives for her.

If I'm completely honest it has crossed my mind at times when things have been hard but the positives have been so good I'd like to try to continue trying to work through the difficult things together but sadly that doesn't seem to be an option anymore. I'm gutted and feel really sad.

I've got a doctors appointment later as I think a bit of time back on sertraline might be a good idea for me to help me pick myself back up, and I'll be seeing my counsellor on wednesday, having emailed her a list of the things I need to work on, some of which I guess I've been avoiding because they're been painful but I know I need to deal with them if I'm going to be happy in the long term, even if right now it's hard to feel positive about anything much, I feel so numb and lonely.

I've never been someone who has been able to make or keep friends very well and right now I'm really alone and have no one to talk to. My parents are really supportive and helpful with all of the practical stuff but the emotional stuff...well, we've never had that kind of relationship. Right now, the one person I most want to talk to in the world is the person who ended things and feels that right now we shouldn't communicate because our emotions are so raw.

I don't know what I hope to gain from this post, i guess I just wanted to get some of it out of my head.
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It feels like you are shouldering a lot of blame here

Don't!

I did the same, also ended on sertraline after relationship breakdown, finally I got off it and I'm well over that phase / relationship now.

Believe me. Time fixes everything, I couldn't be in a better place now.

It took some life style changes but you'll get there.

Good on you for taking the steps to reach out
 
tbh i would put off telling the kids until after Xmas. My parents splitting broke me for a time and by telling them now will ruin Xmas' for a long time, it will deffo ruin this one.

I'd let them enjoy this Xmas and let kids be kids and tell them in the New Year - what's 2 weeks in the grand scheme of things? Why should the kids suffer because of mum and dad's problems?

It will be difficult for you, i get this, but the kids should come first.
 
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It’s a tough call. He knows something is really wrong. Will have to speak to him but what we say will depend I guess.

She went out last night and got wasted. Stumbled home at 3 am. I had to help her into bed as despite it all I still care for and love her. Have done for 15 years and that doesn’t go away quickly. She tried it on and whilst I resisted she kept saying she still loved me and we need to talk etc. but I know that is just the drink talking. Still hurt like hell. I was adjusting and now knocked back again. Whilst drunk she mentioned she was talking to people online so I’ve done the same. Setup a couple of apps whilst I couldn’t sleep. I need to build some confidence up and it’s now hit rock bottom.
 
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ShadowMan said:
It’s a tough call. He knows something is really wrong. Will have to speak to him but what we say will depend I guess.
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Well in that case maybe now would be a good time.

Just reassuring him that even though you are splitting, you both still love him/them and it's not his fault etc. My folks told me they were splitting up - dad moved out immediately, my head was spinning and it was never mentioned again - we were just left to get on with it.

Kids are tough, in time to come, they will accept that the split was the best - just take the time to talk to them and answer any questions. Don't diss mum either and be the rock the kids need during this difficult time.
 
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ShadowMan said:
It’s a tough call. He knows something is really wrong. Will have to speak to him but what we say will depend I guess.

She went out last night and got wasted. Stumbled home at 3 am. I had to help her into bed as despite it all I still care for and love her. Have done for 15 years and that doesn’t go away quickly. She tried it on and whilst I resisted she kept saying she still loved me and we need to talk etc. but I know that is just the drink talking. Still hurt like hell. I was adjusting and now knocked back again. Whilst drunk she mentioned she was talking to people online so I’ve done the same. Setup a couple of apps whilst I couldn’t sleep. I need to build some confidence up and it’s now hit rock bottom.
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So she's been having an emotional affair then as you are still a married couple. She didn't "start talking to people" in the last 24 hours, she was doing it before she left you and wanted to test the water before jumping. She has someone else she wants to take to bed, and she wanted to persue it without guilt.

That should tell you everything about the kind of women she is. Next time she comes home drunk at 3am, leave her in her own vomit IMO.

(I'm sorry for being brutally honest - but it is a very typical behaviour when relationships end).
 
ci_newman said:
So she's been having an emotional affair then as you are still a married couple. She didn't "start talking to people" in the last 24 hours, she was doing it before she left you and wanted to test the water before jumping. She has someone else she wants to take to bed, and she wanted to persue it without guilt.

That should tell you everything about the kind of women she is. Next time she comes home drunk at 3am, leave her in her own vomit IMO.

(I'm sorry for being brutally honest - but it is a very typical behaviour when relationships end).
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Yeah, was thinking the same. She's getting attention from other blokes and it's all new and exciting - until it isn't and she realises the men she is talking to are just after a quick shag and she's thrown a lot away.

As for the vomit thing - she's still a human being and the kids mum - i'd have made sure she was safe too. Be the bigger man.
 
ivrytwr3 said:
Yeah, was thinking the same. She's getting attention from other blokes and it's all new and exciting - until it isn't and she realises the men she is talking to are just after a quick shag and she's thrown a lot away.

As for the vomit thing - she's still a human being and the kids mum - i'd have made sure she was safe too. Be the bigger man.
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She was playing awful mind games with him, trying to get him to have sex with her despite shattering his world just a few days earlier.

Of course make sure she isn't at any risk, but he owes her no favours with behaviour like that.

[Edit] just to add, I had a very close friend go through a divorce when his partner left him for another man after 12 years, but she kept coming back to him for sex during the seperation (they still lived together). It absolutely wrecked his mental health because every time it was "maybe she does still want me" when all she wanted was to get off. It is cruel and unforgiveable behaviour IMO
 
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There is no risk of me caving in. I told her before that if for any reason we wanted to work out then therapy and time would be needed. There is a lot to unpack to get us to a good place. She won’t do that so I know it’s over.

I could never leave her to struggle. I’ve spent most of the night checking she is ok and warm etc. she is my kids mum. There are in the house. They can only see her in the best light no matter what and at the end of the day I care. She wasn’t just my wife but my best friend. I would have done anything for her before and turning that off will take time. I do however appreciate the comment and parted of me just wanted to leave her to it. I just couldn’t though.

Do need to get advice Monday on the financials. It may be worth trying to find a route out for her in Jan so we don’t both have to be here together.
 
Personally I wouldnt ask. Not worth it! I enjoyed my 11 years but it’s going to hurt getting out of it.

Forgot to put an update. 2 weeks on and things are probably worse. Suffering severe paranoia and anxiety. 2 stone lost in weight. We talk/argue nearly everyday and I finally managed to stand my ground and get angry enough to tell her exactly how I feel. She said said she knows she had to live with consequences. I told her it’s not just her. There are 4 of us that have to suffer because of her decision and cowardice in not talking to me when she was unhappy. She still tries to shift all her guilt onto me. I’m not taking it now. It’s her decision, her fault and her choice.

Now into Jan I can go see a solicitor and get advice on what my options are on everything.

To screw with my head she went out to work friends for new year last night and decided to put her rings back on having not worn them for a week. Still on wrong hands/fingers but she had them in a drawer until last night.

Convinced she is having a crisis/breakdown but I can’t help her and she thinks she is fine. Need to focus on me and my kids.
 
Tefal said:
This month it will be 5 years together for us.


Gonna have to figure out a proposal plan soon.
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Indecent ?

I just walked past a jewelry shop and told her to pick a ring because I got fed up of her moaning...

Apparently that's not very romantic, at all ! but beggers can't be choosers, so she took it hehe
 
ShadowMan said:
Personally I wouldnt ask. Not worth it! I enjoyed my 11 years but it’s going to hurt getting out of it.

Forgot to put an update. 2 weeks on and things are probably worse. Suffering severe paranoia and anxiety. 2 stone lost in weight. We talk/argue nearly everyday and I finally managed to stand my ground and get angry enough to tell her exactly how I feel. She said said she knows she had to live with consequences. I told her it’s not just her. There are 4 of us that have to suffer because of her decision and cowardice in not talking to me when she was unhappy. She still tries to shift all her guilt onto me. I’m not taking it now. It’s her decision, her fault and her choice.

Now into Jan I can go see a solicitor and get advice on what my options are on everything.

To screw with my head she went out to work friends for new year last night and decided to put her rings back on having not worn them for a week. Still on wrong hands/fingers but she had them in a drawer until last night.

Convinced she is having a crisis/breakdown but I can’t help her and she thinks she is fine. Need to focus on me and my kids.
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**** man, just been reading through your story.

I know it's tough, I've been in your shoes. 13 years, kids, house and it came out of the blue for me too. Ive also dealt with the anxiety whilst it was all going on, aswell as the mind games and my ex trying it on with me weekly for 2 year even after she's moved someone else into my house within days of us breaking up!

All I can tell you is that it does get better, talking about it definitely helps and in my experience having her around as a friend does more harm than good.

Feel free to DM me if you like.
 
appreciate the offer. For now I’m talking to family and local friends. Also have in person counselling starting this week to help work on the acceptance piece. I’m trying to let go but it’s hard as just want to put my family back together.

Need to get her bought out of the house so she will leave. She is refusing for now as she won’t rent. I said I would cover mortgage so she could keep her money but is worried I’ll somehow screw her over if she leaves.

She also doesn’t see why she should leave just because it was her decision. Apparently I should consider moving out temporarily til I buy her out. She is delusional.

Fun start to 2024!
 
ShadowMan said:
appreciate the offer. For now I’m talking to family and local friends. Also have in person counselling starting this week to help work on the acceptance piece. I’m trying to let go but it’s hard as just want to put my family back together.

Need to get her bought out of the house so she will leave. She is refusing for now as she won’t rent. I said I would cover mortgage so she could keep her money but is worried I’ll somehow screw her over if she leaves.

She also doesn’t see why she should leave just because it was her decision. Apparently I should consider moving out temporarily til I buy her out. She is delusional.

Fun start to 2024!
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You never really know someone until you break up from them, is probably the truest thing I've ever heard. Truly, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I can relate.

To parrot what other have already said no doubt, you need to go and see the best divorce solicitor you can possibly find. Things are going to get ugly and if I remember correctly you've got kids involved. Obviously, speak to your solicitor first but if you can move out without it going against you then I would if she's refusing to. You need to put some distance between yourselves. If there's kids involved, they'll be picking up more of what's going on than you realise. Either way though your mental health needs to be prioritised over hers.

It's harsh pal but you need to accept that there's no putting it back together. Even if she apologised now and desperately sought to make things work would you ever be able to trust her again? Most assuredly not, and trust is everything. This woman is no longer your wife, she may be the mother of your kids and you will need to work together for them but she is not your friend. At least until all.the divorce stuff is finalised she should be viewed as the enemy combatant that she now is.

I do think it's ******* ridiculous that she's ended things but is refusing to leave incase you screw her over. In other words she's at least thought about doing it to you.
 
Solicitor is the plan. Thankfully we have savings and I plan to use them. Moved half to my own account already. Also have family with resources and she doesn’t. 2 kids involved and they are the priority. I don’t plan to seek custody but reality is that my family and I do about 90% of the childcare. She does maybe 1 pickup per week and she has no support network to help her. If I had custody then the kids daily lives for school and clubs wouldn’t change at all. I don’t want to take them from her and was happy at 50/50 but their lives will change loads if we have to do that as her work hours are long and reactive compared to my set schedule.

The counselling will help I am sure to let her go. You are right in that I don’t know if I would ever trust her again. She let it get worse and worse without talking to me so she pretty much made this happen.
 
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ShadowMan said:
Solicitor is the plan. Thankfully we have savings and I plan to use them. Moved half to my own account already. Also have family with resources and she doesn’t. 2 kids involved and they are the priority. I don’t plan to seek custody but reality is that my family and I do about 90% of the childcare. She does maybe 1 pickup per week and she has no support network to help her. If I had custody then the kids daily lives for school and clubs wouldn’t change at all. I don’t want to take them from her and was happy at 50/50 but their lives will change loads if we have to do that as her work hours are long and reactive compared to my set schedule.

The counselling will help I am sure to let her go. You are right in that I don’t know if I would ever trust her again. She let it get worse and worse without talking to me so she pretty much made this happen.
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She did make it happen mate, you're right. The ex in my case is a complete nutter who was physically and emotionally abusive and suffered with BPD at the bare minimum but because the kids were involved I tried everything to stick it out and make things work. At one point I got forms to apply for relationship counselling. I filled them out and signed my name and told her if she didn't want me to leave permanently all she had to do was sign and post them. They sat untouched where I put them for over a year before I chucked them.

It sounds like you're in a good position regarding everything all things considered. I can say though even if your ex was a crack riddled drug dealing prostitute the courts etc will still likely side with her regarding the kids. I've been through it in spades. So hopefully things can be kept civil for them.

I can't stress enough though, if you can temporarily move out I'd get out asap.
 
Civil is where we need to be. I’d rather not spend thousands on legal to get what should happen anyway. Will see how unreasonable she is.

It’s only been 3 weeks since she told me she wanted out. Everything is moving so quickly it’s mad. Especially this time of year.

Here I am too at 4am unable to sleep again. Brain won’t shut off. I’ve lost 26lbs of weight now too so having to find a way to enjoy food too before it becomes a problem. I did have weight to lose but it’s too fast.
 
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