Congrats. My wife and I did a similar very low key wedding in 2000 after meeting eight years earlier. Just us an three guests.Our first forum wedding surely!
FWIW we never planned to get married, we're not traditional at all and didn't fancy the palaver. But as we approached our 10th anniversary, and a few months after moving into the house we've bought, I was driving along without a care in the world...
Her: On our anniversary, shall we go to a registry office?
Me? (Squeaking)ERRRRRRR DOYOUWANTTO?
We rolled the idea around our heads for a couple of weeks and it sounded like fun. Just us, no family or friends, get it done and that's that. Ended up being a lovely day. I took her to a local jeweller and we looked at his second hand selection and a ring with all the colours popped out. Partner tends to decorate the house like that and wears lots of bright colours so it fit her style!
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Soldato
I was going to mention them.Nah, pretty certain that was Piggymon and Desmo.
Edit: your story is also same as ours in a way, almost 11 years together, finally got each other figured out after some rough spells and used the pandemic as an excuse to have a small wedding to commit the rest (hopefully) our lives to each other. She bought her own rings, I bought my own - how romantic
Soldato
Yes I think our reasoning was - "It's not committing to the future, it's celebrating what we already built". Some of those 10 years were pretty turbulent, certainly on my part. I spent the last 7 years being really unsure if it was right for me but everything fell into place in 2023!
Good luck mate, my experience with family law and solicitors hasn’t been great so far..
Going through something very similar after 27yr relationship ended..
More talks tonight. No chance of reconciliation. She wants to be independent for now and be on her own and have space. She, however, doesn’t necessarily want to get divorced and see where we are in the future. She thinks a legal separation may be enough. Me thinks not.
She even suggested that maybe in the future we could do a big holiday like Disney as friends and take the kids. Told her not a chance.
Definition of wanting her cake and eating it. She also finally admitted she was messaging a guy from work but claims only for a few days in the last week or so and wasn’t interested. Don’t believe her.
She even suggested that maybe in the future we could do a big holiday like Disney as friends and take the kids. Told her not a chance.
Definition of wanting her cake and eating it. She also finally admitted she was messaging a guy from work but claims only for a few days in the last week or so and wasn’t interested. Don’t believe her.
Called it. She was messaging people before you were seperated.
I agree with you, she wants her cake and to eat it. Perhaps her anticipated "glory" didn't happen when she went out partying and didn't get as much interest as she expected.
As you say, stick to the path. Seek a divorce and rebuild your life.
Caporegime
Same same, but our 3 "guests" were the officient, photographer, and videographer
Had 2 massive receptions, one in South Africa and the other in London, so plenty of celebrations with family/friends, but the day itself was just for us.
Pardon my language here but I hope you told her to go **** herself in no uncertain terms! I agree with @ci_newman your ex has clearly been testing the waters for something new and exciting and now she's pulled the plug on your marriage the other guy has flaked on her or bailed completely. She's trying to cuckold you pal and if I was you I'd be absolutely livid. I can practically guarantee She's been having an emotional affair at the very least with this guy for sometime.
I know it's hard pal, cause you've just had your guts ripped out and your life blown up but it's good to see you're not drinking her coolade. Stick to your guns and divorce her. Personally I'd be telling her to pack her bags. Obviously be civil for the kids but otherwise just sit back and watch her cheating world burn.
Caporegime
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That's the guy she's been drinking with then. Lying to you about it no doubt.
To flip it around, she's doing you a favour, now you've seen her true colours do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? At least you've found out now rather than after another 10 years.
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Caporegime
I'd be wary of trying to play her at her own game with the children involved in things like Disney holidays. You know from what she's said previously that she'll go off and tell the kids you've agreed to it. I mean she could do this anyway but don't load the gun for her.
It's going to get awfully messy if you go down the route of empty promises just to get to her in the future.
She's the one who's handling it all awfully, don't stoop to her level.
It's going to get awfully messy if you go down the route of empty promises just to get to her in the future.
She's the one who's handling it all awfully, don't stoop to her level.
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Caporegime
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That's a fair point I've edited my post
That's very good advice.
Soldato
This is almost a cut and paste of my ex, she wanted to remain friends etc.
I was an idiot and I accepted, and it was sort of working until she got wind that I was moving on. Then the green eyed monster came out.
She wanted to keep me at arms length and attempt to pull me back as and when it suited.
Having her cake and eating it is the perfect analogy!
Stick to your guns mate and don't be a sad sack of **** like I was!
Get the divorce she's going to end up using you for as long as possible and once she's with another guys he's going to be sat there telling her how she needs to screw you.
No one in a new relationship while still married has a "ahh no you should be fair to him" approach they will be seeing it as a "Yeah let's get us as much as we can" because he doesn't know or care about you.
No one in a new relationship while still married has a "ahh no you should be fair to him" approach they will be seeing it as a "Yeah let's get us as much as we can" because he doesn't know or care about you.
We discussed some details tonight. Held my guns. Not caving to things she wants. Splitting money and property right down the middle. All the current accounts and savings have been split and we signed a letter to agree date it’s done. It’s not watertight but shows we discussed it and acted.
Told her I will buy her out if I can but if I can’t we sell. Either way I want her out end of Jan (She’s away for a week with work anyway in Jan in India). She is going to look at rental options. She’s worried I’ll screw her over once she is out and refuse to sell or buy it and sit here til kids are 18 and make her pay. I won’t as I want to move on myself. I’ll get a letter drawn up stating intentions to cut her worry.
Kids agreed 50/50 but told her not on her terms. Week on week off is what I want. She wanted some strange every 2 day pattern to suit her work. She exploded when I refused saying she can’t do week on week off. Felt great to say the words “Not my problem these are the consequences”. It’s about giving stability to the kids not suiting her.
It’s not all over but moving forward at pace and getting things in my court now and looking after me. I’m sure she is upstairs now messaging her friends and this other guy about me being unfair but it’s out of her control. It’s a fair agreement and in the interest of the kids. She only doesn’t want it as it doesn’t suit her work and she wants to see them more often rather than what is best for them and keeping them grounded and stable.
Told her I will buy her out if I can but if I can’t we sell. Either way I want her out end of Jan (She’s away for a week with work anyway in Jan in India). She is going to look at rental options. She’s worried I’ll screw her over once she is out and refuse to sell or buy it and sit here til kids are 18 and make her pay. I won’t as I want to move on myself. I’ll get a letter drawn up stating intentions to cut her worry.
Kids agreed 50/50 but told her not on her terms. Week on week off is what I want. She wanted some strange every 2 day pattern to suit her work. She exploded when I refused saying she can’t do week on week off. Felt great to say the words “Not my problem these are the consequences”. It’s about giving stability to the kids not suiting her.
It’s not all over but moving forward at pace and getting things in my court now and looking after me. I’m sure she is upstairs now messaging her friends and this other guy about me being unfair but it’s out of her control. It’s a fair agreement and in the interest of the kids. She only doesn’t want it as it doesn’t suit her work and she wants to see them more often rather than what is best for them and keeping them grounded and stable.
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Soldato
Top man, I think you have been more than fair here.
Be prepared for the puppy dog eyes however.
In my experience she will use the fact she has kids with you to get what she wants. You are handling this better than I did, thats a positive.
Thanks. I think I have been. It’s tough as I do find myself still wanting to fix it for my boys and me but realising that isn’t worth it. It would never be the same and she isn’t the same person. She can live her life and I hope she gets what she wants that I couldn’t give her but I won’t be helping her do it. Me, my boys and my future are my priority now.
Soon as I can work out if I can get enough to buy the house I can make the next steps. Mortgage advisor Monday for that so will see what they say.
Soon as I can work out if I can get enough to buy the house I can make the next steps. Mortgage advisor Monday for that so will see what they say.
Honestly mate you seem to be handling things like an absolute champ. That's not true of many men in your position. If there's anything I would suggest doing that maybe you're not is taking up some form of exercise to help with stress. I didn't and really struggled with things and that's with me wanting to get out and ending it myself
It’s on the list. Now the money is sorted I’m buying bits tomorrow as I don’t even own trainers. Step sister is a PT so she is going to help a bit. Going to arrange time over next weeks so will keep out of house for too so I don’t have to see her.
Was 18st 5 before this. 16st 7 now (in 3 weeks) and looking to get rid of more and generally get fitter. Turned into a contented blob of middle age bloke over the last few years.
Also picking up golf again as missed a
month between some work travel and this whole mess.
Was 18st 5 before this. 16st 7 now (in 3 weeks) and looking to get rid of more and generally get fitter. Turned into a contented blob of middle age bloke over the last few years.
Also picking up golf again as missed a
month between some work travel and this whole mess.
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Sounds to me like you are making progress.
Treat her like a stranger now. You no longer "owe" her anything.
By that I mean keep it straight and fair. You wouldn't give some random dude a 1000 quid because he begged for it. Nor should you bend over for her. She's just another person now.
She may at least show some respect and do same back.
But it may get nasty if she has someone whispering in her ear.
Be careful on joint accounts.. I don't think there's anything legally stopping either of you emptying it? May be wrong on that. But if there's a lot in there something to check.
I remembered when I was truly over my ex was when I wished her (in my head) well. When you don't wish them anything bad and you are no longer down about it. Takes time.
And getting fit has so many benefits..
-health
-confidence
-and maybe, as a bonus.. She'll regret it!
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