The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Steampunk · 28 Dec 2018 at 17:01

Nevakonaza said:
Has anyone ever been in this situation?

been seeing a girl for over a year now..been going out a lot together places and got really close,she has feelings for me and so do i for her we have talked about this and she also says she loves me and the same back,BUT even though we aint "Officially" a couple because she wanted to see how it "works out" when people associate us together as a couple shes messaging me saying people assume were a couple,And then im thinking does she not want people to assume that then?

I've asked her that,Do you not want people to assume were together then,And she skipped answering the question which was really annoying..should i just not bother pursuing anymore?

I tend to agree with everyone above. She keeps telling you she's not willing to make a commitment, which you seem to want. You have to force the issue one way or another, which is probably what she wants. You "prove" that you want her by insisting on becoming a couple officially (whatever that means), or you finish things because she's just not that into you (and is waiting for you to give her an excuse to move on - which she will do sooner or later as she's not committed to the relationship).

PixieLandGirl · 28 Dec 2018 at 21:00

Nevakonaza said:
Has anyone ever been in this situation?

been seeing a girl for over a year now..been going out a lot together places and got really close,she has feelings for me and so do i for her we have talked about this and she also says she loves me and the same back,BUT even though we aint "Officially" a couple because she wanted to see how it "works out" when people associate us together as a couple shes messaging me saying people assume were a couple,And then im thinking does she not want people to assume that then?

I've asked her that,Do you not want people to assume were together then,And she skipped answering the question which was really annoying..should i just not bother pursuing anymore?

I think you need to talk to her again & or draw a line in the sand. If after a year she still has issue with people assuming (and why wouldn't they) that you're a couple then something doesn't seem right at all. Maybe she has some reason in her head that makes sense to her but she needs to share what that is with you, & then can decide how you feel about it and possibly discuss it further (if you think it would be beneficial). Otherwise you have to take it at face value, & as an outsider it seems like you are valuing the 'relationship' much more than she is & it's quite disrespectful towards you after that length of time.

If I was you, I'd 100% want to know why me being seen as the other half was such a terrible thing.

Gl

413x · 29 Dec 2018 at 01:51

Wow a year to live in limbo?
No way. My gf asked for me to take it slow at the start but after a couple of months we were a couple.
A year is ridiculous. I think I'd bin her off. Anyone who can't commit after that long isn't on the same page as me (and most people!).
I don't think id even give her much leway. Its pretty much implicit that after seeing someone for a year you're a couple (unless it's fwb on both sides, which is fine.)

Hades · 29 Dec 2018 at 02:41

You should build your own life before settling down with someone. What this means is learning to love yourself before you love others. The consequence of this is a personal pride. When you have that you will see that she's not treating you right. Stand up for what you want in this relationship and if she doesn't want the same thing then move on and find someone who does. Good luck.

.Lethal · 29 Dec 2018 at 10:48

I'm a bit taken aback that some of you are suggesting talking to the girl after being dangled by a string for a year. Time to move on IMO.

krooton · 31 Dec 2018 at 13:14

If you can't "see where it goes" after 3 months, it is going nowhere.

XeNoN89 · 31 Dec 2018 at 17:57

What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

Terminal_Boy · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:06

XeNoN89 said:
What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

Have you seen her naked? She might be hiding something.

Tek81 · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:07

XeNoN89 said:
What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

My ex kept me waiting for 2 months, so she could be sure I wasn't after one thing. It worked. We were together for 8 years and I completely destroyed her for the best part of that. Just wait it out.

AHarvey · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:07

XeNoN89 said:
What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

If you like her does it matter? Raise it with her beforehand not after she's stopped it, maybe she's scared of being with someone new.

XeNoN89 · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:15

AHarvey said:
If you like her does it matter? Raise it with her beforehand not after she's stopped it, maybe she's scared of being with someone new.

We already had a discussion so we know how we both feel about it! I just wanted confirmation that this isn't anything unusual really. All my mates are just taking the Mick saying I can't seal the deal !

TNGL · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:16

XeNoN89 said:
What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

Nothing wrong with some self-respect on her part. See this as a good sign.

AHarvey · 31 Dec 2018 at 18:34

XeNoN89 said:
We already had a discussion so we know how we both feel about it! I just wanted confirmation that this isn't anything unusual really. All my mates are just taking the Mick saying I can't seal the deal !

lol, screw your mates off, if you're happy and having a little fun it'll work out in the end. Lots of wine may help

TheMeekon · 31 Dec 2018 at 19:40

Usually around the 3rd date. If they give it up on the 1st date from my record they've turned out to be mental.

bainbridge · 1 Jan 2019 at 00:55

XeNoN89 said:
What's the longest people have taken to go ''all the way' after starting to date someone?

I'm on for a record now. Almost at a month in. We've seen a LOT of eachother over the past month and we always end up all over eachother but she has always stopped us going all the way.

From what I've found out so far she has been messed around before and she hasn't said it herself but I don't think she's been with someone for a long time which I susoect what is causing this. We seem to really like eachother but this is getting really difficult for me now!

Simply advise you've come around to her way of thinking and want to take things slowly too.
Be very chivalrous but also naughty by occasionally alluding to what is to come, and bingo! The ball is back in your court and I guarantee she'll be begging you to sleep with her.

Skynet5 · 1 Jan 2019 at 01:08

XeNoN89 said:
We already had a discussion so we know how we both feel about it! I just wanted confirmation that this isn't anything unusual really. All my mates are just taking the Mick saying I can't seal the deal !

Sounds all OK to me. Take it slow and be a gent. Not to suggest you're not. If she has been messed around, trust on this might be hugely important.

Beasty · 2 Jan 2019 at 13:19

God, actually liking someone is hell, had a lot of flings last year where I was in total control as I just wasn't arsed in the long run, made me feel a bit bad when things come to an end but the overthinking and uncertainty when you actually hope for more is something I do not cope well with.

We've both said we like each other and we are both acting pretty chill in front of each other and on messages, both have our guards up, usually very good at making people lower them but just not sure this time and the opportunity for overthinking is rife.

Sexual chemistry is fantastic etc but I hate this part of things where you're in the 'see what happens' hinterland and one false move can mess things up from experience and now I'm super cautious. I have to say it's never ended that well but I'm much better at handling it than before.

Think we need to get drunk together again and have a heart-to-heart.

bainbridge said:
Simply advise you've come around to her way of thinking and want to take things slowly too.
Be very chivalrous but also naughty by occasionally alluding to what is to come, and bingo! The ball is back in your court and I guarantee she'll be begging you to sleep with her.

Thiiiiiis!

secretspy · 2 Jan 2019 at 18:50

I'm glad I'm not the only one who overthinks!! I haven't started dating again yet but just the thought stresses me out!!
I'm over my ex and have been single for over a year now (technically hadn't even seem him a year before we broke up!) So I would like to meet someone but I'm just not happy in myself yet :/

I don't think I ever have been and if anything, I feel I've lost myself somewhat over the years. I've grown stronger in some ways but I've also become even more of a hermit and a stresshead (Doesn't help when I'm 5 days away from turning 34 :eek:

)

I've finally got my own place though so hopefully that will be the turning point for me

Captain · 2 Jan 2019 at 18:53

XeNoN89 said:
We already had a discussion so we know how we both feel about it! I just wanted confirmation that this isn't anything unusual really. All my mates are just taking the Mick saying I can't seal the deal !

Don't feel pressured just because of your mates, what she needs is patience from you, just keep going as you are and let it happen naturally. Also don't bring it up again as she may think that's all you want from her.

Ayahuasca · 2 Jan 2019 at 18:53

secretspy said:
I'm glad I'm not the only one who overthinks!! I haven't started dating again yet but just the thought stresses me out!!
I'm over my ex and have been single for over a year now (technically hadn't even seem him a year before we broke up!) So I would like to meet someone but I'm just not happy in myself yet :/

I don't think I ever have been and if anything, I feel I've lost myself somewhat over the years. I've grown stronger in some ways but I've also become even more of a hermit and a stresshead (Doesn't help when I'm 5 days away from turning 34 )

I've finally got my own place though so hopefully that will be the turning point for me

Have you written down and thought out each of the reasons you aren’t happy with yourself, with some solutions? If not and if it’s something you can’t bring yourself to do then you may need some external help.