The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[occuda]

I know and I had cut ties with her for months until one day she messaged me on FB wanting to talk because she was upset as her dad caught Covid and was hospitalised for well over two weeks. I thought ok, i'll give her a shoulder to cry on, on messenger. After her father came out of hospital she then got a little closer and wanted to go shopping etc. It'd be fine for a few days then she'd blow cold again and say that we shouldn't be so close etc. Then her mind would change again, usually when she wanted me in the bedroom. I'm not interested in that and i'm upfront about that and I will tell her again. I'm not wanting to be controlled or want her to think she has any over me, she very much doesn't.

I know exactly what she is doing. I'm basically the safe bet for her both emotionally and sexually, that is until she meets someone else. She certainly doesn't like me meeting any other girl(s) and has told me this, even bringing it up a good few times in conversation but in a jokey way (not really jokey). I really do think that she wants me to be jealous about her and her meeting other people. I'm just not and I know it irritates her. Like this for instance... (I find this odd and no idea how this works). She says and has shown me all these friend requests that she has got on Facebook from fellers, most, if not all are foreign. I've no idea what she's been doing as that doesn't just happen. But again i'm not bothered by it, but I know she's trying in a way to get a reaction(?) from me.

Ignore, block, and move on. By maintaining contact (no matter who initiated it) you're playing her games and giving her the attention she wants. She'd be thrilled to know you've come here to tell the tale. The fact that you don't cut her off shows her that you just can't live without her, and she can continue to mess you about to keep you on the back burner. No matter what you say, your actions speak otherwise to her.

If you meet someone else and get a new girlfriend, you're just storing up trouble for yourself because you've let your ex believe she's still part of your life and has first dibs on your attention.

As Steampunk says above "Ignore, block, and move on."

I feel she sees you as a resource to be used to fulfil her emotional and physical needs when it suits her, and that is what you are allowing her to do.

This will only stop when you stop it.

 

[Wizzfizz]

As Steampunk says above "Ignore, block, and move on."

I feel she sees you as a resource to be used to fulfil her emotional and physical needs when it suits her, and that is what you are allowing her to do.

This will only stop when you stop it.

Yeah and that's how i'm seeing it also.

I'll be stopping it right in its tracks, as like I say i'm just not interested in any of it

 

[Roar87]

I did have business to reply as she made contact with me, not the other way round.

I'm not blaming her for anything, in fact i'm making it clear i'm not wanting to be involved with any games she may or not be playing out, or to be put on any back burner.

I don't really see what the issue is, big deal you're speaking to your ex who you don't even care about? Honestly barely warrants a forum post.

 

[Arsonist]

She maybe a fantastic mother but you probably should make sure you have good involvement in your child's life at such an early age. Otherwise it may come back to bite you in the backside later in life.

I will have as much involvement as humanly possible despite the distance, and support them both however I can. As many weekends as possible, week long holidays, evenings if I can drive up and back after work, or early the next morning, as well as phone and video calls. I will never not be involved in his life and he will always know I love him.

 

[GR63]

You didn't have to reply, you chose too.



You're really not. You're there at her beck and call - from your POV you are in charge, from hers and us outsiders, you are been played like a fiddle by her.

Listen to us, or don't, try to defend your actions if you want - but your ex is calling the shots here and that is never a good thing!

It does sound to me very much like someone is being played... and it isnt her

 

[DireEmblem]

Anyone else finding it a bit painful dating these days? I decided a little over two years ago to take a bit of time out, and just wasn't expecting it to be so long. Can all guess why.

Anyhow back on the dating app action, and I dont know if my expectations have changed, but is it too much to ask for a bit of honesty? I've met a couple people, and sometimes on the first date you're not so sure so you go on another to see what happens. Anyhow the current probably not any more girlfriend, when we first met, we just talked for hours. We seemed to have this 'connection', and have met several times since. Then in the past week, she's been cancelling plans, and I always seem to be the one to start any conversation. I'm not entirely sure why, but if you have lost interest in someone, perhaps just say so?

I've been known as an 'over thinker' at times, so might just leave it a week, and see if I hear anything back.

 

[malachi]

Anyone else finding it a bit painful dating these days? I decided a little over two years ago to take a bit of time out, and just wasn't expecting it to be so long. Can all guess why.

Anyhow back on the dating app action, and I dont know if my expectations have changed, but is it too much to ask for a bit of honesty? I've met a couple people, and sometimes on the first date you're not so sure so you go on another to see what happens. Anyhow the current probably not any more girlfriend, when we first met, we just talked for hours. We seemed to have this 'connection', and have met several times since. Then in the past week, she's been cancelling plans, and I always seem to be the one to start any conversation. I'm not entirely sure why, but if you have lost interest in someone, perhaps just say so?

I've been known as an 'over thinker' at times, so might just leave it a week, and see if I hear anything back.

Someone else has taken their interest. Had it happen to me many times.

Crap part of dating apps, so many options you are not sure if they will stick around and they randomly drop off because they found someone else.

 

[Mark1989]

Anyone else finding it a bit painful dating these days? I decided a little over two years ago to take a bit of time out, and just wasn't expecting it to be so long. Can all guess why.

Anyhow back on the dating app action, and I dont know if my expectations have changed, but is it too much to ask for a bit of honesty? I've met a couple people, and sometimes on the first date you're not so sure so you go on another to see what happens. Anyhow the current probably not any more girlfriend, when we first met, we just talked for hours. We seemed to have this 'connection', and have met several times since. Then in the past week, she's been cancelling plans, and I always seem to be the one to start any conversation. I'm not entirely sure why, but if you have lost interest in someone, perhaps just say so?

I've been known as an 'over thinker' at times, so might just leave it a week, and see if I hear anything back.

I'm finding the entire online/app thing impossible to be honest, I've never been good at selling my self as it were however I don't even get replies to messages I do send, Least you have made it past that part! Ill keep doing it however as most of my mates are all couples so the meeting some with via my friends doesn't seem likely

 

[HumanShield]

Small update from me. Was doing well until yesterday when I was supposed to be at a wedding with the ex (she was a bridesmaid so obviously had to go!), feeling pretty low at the moment, hoping a weekend with the kids will help!

 

[GR63]

Small update from me. Was doing well until yesterday when I was supposed to be at a wedding with the ex (she was a bridesmaid so obviously had to go!), feeling pretty low at the moment, hoping a weekend with the kids will help!

Why did you have to go with an ex ??

 

[HumanShield]

Why did you have to go with an ex ??

Ok, worded it wrong. We'd been invited as a couple (its a wedding thats been delayed a while due to restrictions), we are obviously no longer together so I couldn't go

 

[Tek81]

Found out via a mutual friend, that my ex is due to get married next week; same day as my 40th birthday ironically. Strange, it made me feel quite upset. Meh, I'm sure a few hours out on the bike will make me feel better.

 

[!bluetonic!]

Come on guys! Snap out of it. There are so many pretty women (and guys if you bat that way) out there that they just need finding.

They are not going to find you if you're pining over an ex.

20% effort in, 80% sex out would be coaching a female hockey or netball team.

5% effort in, 95% sex out would be coaching a Roller Derby team.

Please man (or is that person) up and make a positive attempt to meet someone tomorrow.

 

[Mark1989]

Come on guys! Snap out of it. There are so many pretty women (and guys if you bat that way) out there that they just need finding.

They are not going to find you if you're pining over an ex.

20% effort in, 80% sex out would be coaching a female hockey or netball team.

5% effort in, 95% sex out would be coaching a Roller Derby team.

Please man (or is that person) up and make a positive attempt to meet someone tomorrow.

It's not that easy! I wish it was, I'd like to meet some one tomorrow, he'll if it didn't work I'd just try meet some one else.

Online dating scene is pain, sick of sending messages and getting no replies :/

 

[!bluetonic!]

@Mark1989 I honestly hear you and have been there. Apologies if you've tried all these things. I'm only offering a few pointers.

The huge irony I found that once I found my then girlfriend, now wife that the amount of women out there. The first pretty single women I found was in the ring shop, when I was shopping for an engagement ring.

Other single females were friends of my wife. This concluded that there are plenty of single women out there.

It boils down to a few things. If online dating isn't working, then give it a rest for while.

Extend your friend network with new social or hobby clubs. Take a punt in going to things on your own.

Match Dating offers e.g cooking evenings. I even went to a speed dating evening.

Confidence wins the day. If you're not happy in yourself, why would someone want to share your company?

If you can confidently talk to strangers, be interesting and show interest, everything else will fall into place.


Is any of this going to work for you?

 

[Mark1989]

@Mark1989 I honestly hear you and have been there. Apologies if you've tried all these things. I'm only offering a few pointers.

The huge irony I found that once I found my then girlfriend, now wife that the amount of women out there. The first pretty single women I found was in the ring shop, when I was shopping for an engagement ring.

Other single females were friends of my wife. This concluded that there are plenty of single women out there.

It boils down to a few things. If online dating isn't working, then give it a rest for while.

Extend your friend network with new social or hobby clubs. Take a punt in going to things on your own.

Match Dating offers e.g cooking evenings. I even went to a speed dating evening.

Confidence wins the day. If you're not happy in yourself, why would someone want to share your company?

If you can confidently talk to strangers, be interesting and show interest, everything else will fall into place.


Is any of this going to work for you?

Well I have joined meet up, and will be attending a singles event in Leeds but that's not until November.

Regards match for example the only thing I'm yet to do is pay for a membership, on plenty of fish too which least let's you send messages however considering paying for match but seems odd to pay to essentially message

So I'll see how that goes, I'm trying to expand friends network as currently my social group consists of 99% couples so not much scope for meeting some one via friend

 

[Orangeade]

My problem is that my expectations are incredibly high on one hand and quite straightforward on the other hand...

Don't think I got over the previous girl. I've met quite a few after her but even though "previous" me would have thought them great, now it doesn't cut the mustard.

I feel my own clock ticking out with an age of 32....arbitrage in the market is quickly spotted and so are most girls....I'm not a playboy and have no desire just to sleep around though it wouldn't be hard I guess. I just want the solid relationship my parents had and to feel like I felt before.

 

[!bluetonic!]

Well I have joined meet up, and will be attending a singles event in Leeds but that's not until November.

Regards match for example the only thing I'm yet to do is pay for a membership, on plenty of fish too which least let's you send messages however considering paying for match but seems odd to pay to essentially message

So I'll see how that goes, I'm trying to expand friends network as currently my social group consists of 99% couples so not much scope for meeting some one via friend

I met my wife on match. With regards to payment, yes it does seem strange, but firstly they're a business and it shows commitment from you that you're financially into dating and not a quick PoF fling.

If you have couples that you're friends with, speak to them about dating. Sarah B's My Single Friend website was set up for them selling your qualities.

It will happen, but you've got to put yourself into a receptive state. Nice clothes, nice smile, be complimentary without being creepy. It could be the women that you ask about prawn skewers in Morrisons that you get a date with this Thursday.

 

[!bluetonic!]

@Orangeade in order to get over said previous girl you need to create new and happy memories.

In one of my dates, I met at that point, a perfect girl. She was beautiful, outgoing and oozed sexual confidence. But we only had that one date. It wasn't meant to be. So you move on. Enjoy the experience and create more.

The most confident thing that I did after chatting to a women in my early dating years was to get on a plane to Edinburgh on the condition that she bought us six Nations tickets for Scotland Vs France. She did and I went. That was the confidence boosting moment of my dating life. She was great, beautiful, slightly older, but we were at different stages of our life. The dating scene had clicked for me and I had to follow my loins. To have settled down at that stage would have been too much wondering.

 

[breathe3asy]

Some great advice from @!bluetonic!