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The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mattyprice4004, Apr 23, 2012.

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  1. Guest2

    Capodecina

    Joined: May 6, 2009

    Posts: 13,444

    What’s the difference between cheating and hanging out?

    Is she cheating on her boyfriend by have a couple of drinks with someone she knows?

    If you are in a relationship with someone and dont think its going too well then have a drink with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex is gay) then there must be an aweful lot of cheaters!
     
  2. I fancy boys

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 12, 2008

    Posts: 2,687

    I think it depends a lot on context and the nature of the contact.

    If you start seeing someone "as friends" just when things are going bad with your current partner it can be seen as scoping out someone new, which is quite out of order to be honest. If it's purely platonic then there's no issue, of course...

    Personally I think "monkey branching" is awful. You are either committed with someone, in which case you talk things through and make them work, or you are not and you break up. No one wins from staying in a relationship when you are no longer fully committed, however it happens a lot since it's the more comfortable and convenient thing to do.
     
  3. Roar87

    Soldato

    Joined: May 10, 2012

    Posts: 5,069

    Location: Leeds

    It's cheating if your partners don't know and would be angry if they did know, do your partners know that their relationships aren't going well so you're hanging out with prospective replacements?
     
  4. Fubsy

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Dec 12, 2003

    Posts: 8,625

    Location: Thatcham

    As above, you're not physically cheating but mentally you are; the evidence is in your post as you are actively thinking about being with this new girl when you're rid of the old. If your current GF knew or understood this then what do you think her reaction would be?
     
  5. JBuk

    Capodecina

    Joined: Nov 28, 2002

    Posts: 10,802

    Location: Cumbria

    There's nothing wrong with having a drink with somebody of the opposite sex but if the intention is to form a relationship then that's as good as cheating

    If it's innocent then why ask if you should tell your partner
     
  6. Guest2

    Capodecina

    Joined: May 6, 2009

    Posts: 13,444

    We (me and current girlfriend) have discussed the kids situation and agreed to stay on as we currently are at the moment - both seeing each other but knowing it will not last.
    Who knows, maybe she is ‘monkey branching’ too
     
  7. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 15,926

    Location: Cardiff

    If its fwb thats fine. But no point being exclusive. Feels like a waste of time but if you are both on same page no problem. But I suspect you arent
     
  8. tek81

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jul 1, 2015

    Posts: 2,036

    Location: UK

    A friend of mine told me a story the other day that was pretty tragic. One of her mates is "dating" a married man. This guy has two kids, one being only 4 months old. He and his wife have been together for a decade, married two years. The wife doesn't know about the affair, and is presently full-steam ahead sorting Christmas for them all. She has posted a load of pictures on Facebook recenty; presents, decorations, kids having fun etc, yet is totally oblivious to what's going on. The girl he is cheating on his wife with is a cocaine addict with prolific history of sleeping around. I admit I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but why any man (or woman) would destroy a family, boggles the mind. As does why any woman would want to get involved with someone who is married. Crazy world.
     
  9. JonnyT

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Oct 18, 2002

    Posts: 2,050

    Location: Cambridge

    Weird you should mention that story. The other weekend, a friend of mine was telling me about a woman he knows who is doing the same thing but vice-versa; it seems like (from the way my friend tells it) that she married her husband quite young, they both have good jobs, nice house, cars, kids etc. but she's become very bored with the marriage, and is now cheating on him with a bloke who's smoked so much weed that he can hardly string a decent sentence together (and seems like a general waste of space). Apparently she's a very attractive woman who could have her pick of a lot of men, and no, my mate wasn't trying to get in there!

    Very odd, maybe its the danger, the risk of getting caught that gives it some excitement?!
     
  10. TheMeekon

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 24, 2004

    Posts: 1,864

    Location: Manchester

    I did this for a long time and it got very messy and both of us very hurt. I'm not you but I would advise against it.
     
  11. XeNoN89

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Mar 6, 2007

    Posts: 7,713

    Location: SW19

    Experienced something new tonight, a girl that won't even kiss on the first date!

    Usually that would be a sign they aren't interested, but other than that it went great and she asked me out on another date too.

    Not going to lie.. the fact she's making me work for it is making me want it more. Maybe that was the plan :D
     
  12. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 8,905

    Location: Earth

    Because they have low self esteem.
     
  13. Ayahuasca

    Capodecina

    Joined: Apr 23, 2014

    Posts: 18,665

    Location: County Durham

    Sometimes people get married who aren't very sexually compatible or one of them gets bored with it and doesn't put out after a few years. It's no reason to ruin a marriage and potentially your family but I can sort of see why it happens. Let's not forget that lots of humans engage in self-destructive behaviours on a daily basis.
     
  14. Adnams Drinker

    Wise Guy

    Joined: May 29, 2003

    Posts: 2,008

    Location: Cambridge

    Funnily enough, I was having that discussion with someone recently. I was saying I’m hoping that’s how it goes when I start dating again - what made dating so exciting when I was a teenager was the knowledge that you might get a proper snog on your second date, cop a feel or maybe get a handy the following week and so on and so forth. Point being, sex was something special you worked towards over several dates/weeks and by the time you got it you were absolutely gagging for it.

    That said, I’m probably being massively nostalgic or maybe even naive - last time I dated was over 26 years ago!
     
  15. 413x

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jan 13, 2010

    Posts: 15,926

    Location: Cardiff

    Im 33 and agree with you. Something a bit devaluing if girl wants to put out on 1st date. To me subconsciously tells me I'm not special and this one isn't a keeper.
     
  16. krooton

    Capodecina

    Joined: May 9, 2004

    Posts: 24,745

    Location: Leafy outskirts of London

    Personally I think how soon a person, regardless of gender, puts out is none of my damn business (provided they are having safe sex). Sexual equality for all, I have no right to judge. :D
     
  17. AlphaMale1

    Gangster

    Joined: Apr 27, 2018

    Posts: 205

    Anyone here ever felt like they could't do another relationship due to the pain of a previous relationship? After breaking up with my ex of almost 4 years, I have lost track of how long it has been, but I am still finding it so hard. I can not even fathom the thought of dating someone else at this point, any advice guys? Not sure how to get out of this slump.
     
  18. Mason-

    Soldato

    Joined: Jun 18, 2010

    Posts: 5,059

    Location: Essex

    You have to have the will to make your life better or the faith that it will get better, preferably both. Thinking about how to get over it will not get you over it. Mull on those words.
     
  19. malachi

    Sgarrista

    Joined: Jun 27, 2006

    Posts: 8,905

    Location: Earth

    If there is a sexual connection when why waste time? Especially in our 30's, we may be young but we are not THAT young.
     
  20. A2Z

    Sgarrista

    Joined: May 9, 2005

    Posts: 7,970

    Location: London

    Because some women actually value themselves and don't just let anyone get access between their legs.

    In my previous relationships it was always at least kiss on 1st date, sleep together within the next week or 2 max, normally less. They all ended for some reason, says something...

    Current girlfriend was completely different, took a lot longer to get to those stages. At first I was surprised and had the same mindset as you 'if it's going to happen anyway then what's the point waiting'. After some thought I realised how lucky I am, the number of people she has been with you can count on one hand, so to actually be working towards that physical stage means I must mean something to her.

    Happy to say she's the 3rd person I've fallen in love with but the 1st I actually want to marry and have kids etc. Oh and the wait was definitely worth it, best I've ever had. :cool: