The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[joelk2]

Sounds more like she's using that as an excuse. If you like someone surely you wouldn't let something so trivial get in the way. It's not like you two are official etc, you're still getting to know each other.

I wouldn't personally treat it as "hassle" until other stuff happened. Trust me I had an ex do way worse yet no one ever said to me it was hassle. They showed support.

she has still messaged me a few times tonight so I’m still holding out hope.

 

[Gengar]

Jeez dating sounds like a lot of hassle! Think i will stay single for a while! .

 

[joelk2]

Jeez dating sounds like a lot of hassle! Think i will stay single for a while! .

I think for some people this is a good thing.

I just guess my goal in life is to be in a happy relationship. I’ve spent so long in a loveless one that I have so much to give.

it has been a hassle though you are right.

 

[.Lethal]

You’re probably right.
I’m just playing it cool from now on. I’ve told the new girl that it was wrong of my ex to like the photo. I obviously want to continue but ultimately it’s up to her how she wants to play it. I’ve left it as that.

My ex will be staying out of it now we’ve had a chat. It was very polite between us but we’ve removed each other from all social media platforms to stop the need to snoop (profiles are locked down as far as privacy goes)

err what? I think you need to hear an outside perspective here. An ex likes a photo and new girl immediately brings it up? knows who she is? and implies it's hassle. Yet, you see her post a photo of her ex on FB referring to her kids and his looks years after he's supposedly out of the picture, and YOU don't discuss that? I'm not suggesting you're stupid, but, don't you think that's ridiculous? Do your thoughts and feelings not matter? If you want this to be something it has to work both ways, you can't ignore your own red flags, it can lead to all sorts of problems including resentment.

she has still messaged me a few times tonight so I’m still holding out hope.

Gee lucky you. Better be on your best behaviour. Look it sounds a bit mean but I'd suggest you slow things down. Making plans for some event 6 months down the line after a meeting in a car park and some other event isn't sensible, you don't know each other very well.

You had no problem talking to your ex about the like but can't do the same with the new girl, it sounds like your ex was honest with you with what she did and no harm was done, but you've turned it into a big deal.

 

[joelk2]

err what? I think you need to hear an outside perspective here. An ex likes a photo and new girl immediately brings it up? knows who she is? and implies it's hassle. Yet, you see her post a photo of her ex on FB referring to her kids and his looks years after he's supposedly out of the picture, and YOU don't discuss that? I'm not suggesting you're stupid, but, don't you think that's ridiculous? Do your thoughts and feelings not matter? If you want this to be something it has to work both ways, you can't ignore your own red flags, it can lead to all sorts of problems including resentment.



Gee lucky you. Better be on your best behaviour. Look it sounds a bit mean but I'd suggest you slow things down. Making plans for some event 6 months down the line after a meeting in a car park and some other event isn't sensible, you don't know each other very well.

You had no problem talking to your ex about the like but can't do the same with the new girl, it sounds like your ex was honest with you with what she did and no harm was done, but you've turned it into a big deal.

appreciate the comment. After I looked into it further it was a repost of a post from years ago (one of those memory things on Facebook)

Things will be slowed down with the new girl for sure. It was silly to go into things quite so headfirst.

as far as the ex goes, she was the one suggesting we removed each other from social media. I just said that we needed to respect each other’s privacy somewhat. I don’t need to have my ex on social media and I think that was the right move anyways. Snooping around female friends of mine’s pages is a bit weird.

I do completely agree with pretty everything you’ve said though.

 

[arctine]

I would slow down too Joel, there are plenty of women out there even if it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t get hung up on this one or you’ll set yourself up to fail.

You may not be desperate but it’s easy to come across that way if you don’t stand up for yourself. If you stand up for yourself and it doesn’t work? Move on to the next and you’ll find the right one.

 

[joelk2]

I would slow down too Joel, there are plenty of women out there even if it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t get hung up on this one or you’ll set yourself up to fail.

You may not be desperate but it’s easy to come across that way if you don’t stand up for yourself. If you stand up for yourself and it doesn’t work? Move on to the next and you’ll find the right one.

I see where you’re coming from.
I’ve spoken to a few others over the past few months or so but had to bin them off as such after a week as it didn’t feel like there was any connection at all. This one just felt so so different which is why I was so keen.

 

[Captain]

Why is it that you go ages without being interested in anyone, then you meet someone and you hit it off, then women start showing an interest?

It’s so weird that it can’t be a coincidence.

 

[Narj]

Why is it that you go ages without being interested in anyone, then you meet someone and you hit it off, then women start showing an interest?

It’s so weird that it can’t be a coincidence.

It'll be a change in your general attitude and confidence level that becomes perceptible from the outside.

 

[SpeedFreak]

Mines different but net result is same. My gf has a medical condition now that's basically made her weak and unable to do any of the things I enjoy.

So Slightly different reasons. But yeah I feel like we are becoming housemates too. So I think I know how you feel. I feel like it just a slow decline into friends for me.

I dunno about you, but Ive just started doing things on my own. Like rather than feeling bad about it. I've even booked myself mini breaks.
I go on my bike, I've got a little trip to France doing adventure stuff.

I'm tired, as I have to do all the things she can't. She can't even vacuum as 3kg hand hoover is too heavy. This list is growing. I don't even ask for help any more. I guess at the moment I 'cope'. But it's no fun. That's the big issue for me.

I know it's going to be worse when lockdown is over. Ive wanted to book a holiday to Mexico to do one of my bucket list items, but I'm not even sure if she can physically do it anymore.


Is this in anyway similar to yours? Not the cause, but the net result?

Realistically is there any chance of a recovery? Otherwise you have to ask yourself if you can cope with the current situation for the next 20+ years.

 

[Captain]

It'll be a change in your general attitude and confidence level that becomes perceptible from the outside.

Hadn’t thought of that, though the interest does occur when I’m out with someone and my attention is on them, makes sense now.

 

[randomshenans]

I just guess my goal in life is to be in a happy relationship. I’ve spent so long in a loveless one that I have so much to give.

I think you need to learn to love yourself a bit more. I understand you feel you've not been in a relationship where you can have what you need, but really it's not about jumping out and grabbing anything that shows you attention because that's what you've been missing. Spend some time meeting people and finding out what you really need in a relationship and if it's not right don't force it. You do you and you'll find someone aligns with that and it'll be totally natural.

 

[joelk2]

I think you need to learn to love yourself a bit more. I understand you feel you've not been in a relationship where you can have what you need, but really it's not about jumping out and grabbing anything that shows you attention because that's what you've been missing. Spend some time meeting people and finding out what you really need in a relationship and if it's not right don't force it. You do you and you'll find someone aligns with that and it'll be totally natural.

That is really good advice. The loving myself thing might be a bit hard as I’ve never in my life felt like I’ve loved myself.
I’m going to try and be more laid back about the relationship situations though.
I would honestly just feel very guilty effectively leading someone on. Ie if talking to more than 1 person it’s inevitable one of them will be binned off which could cause upset (unless they bin me off) maybe it’s the wrong stance to take, how do you deal with those situations?

 

[Narj]

That is really good advice. The loving myself thing might be a bit hard as I’ve never in my life felt like I’ve loved myself.
I’m going to try and be more laid back about the relationship situations though.
I would honestly just feel very guilty effectively leading someone on. Ie if talking to more than 1 person it’s inevitable one of them will be binned off which could cause upset (unless they bin me off) maybe it’s the wrong stance to take, how do you deal with those situations?

You should really take some time to tick off some bucket list stuff, also do some nice things for yourself for a change.

After a previous split I ticked off a load of things and experiences and am really happy I did them totally unobstructed by anyone else's opinions or needs. It's made me far more chilled and satisfied with what I've done with life.

 

[R.P.L]

I would honestly just feel very guilty effectively leading someone on. Ie if talking to more than 1 person it’s inevitable one of them will be binned off which could cause upset (unless they bin me off) maybe it’s the wrong stance to take, how do you deal with those situations?

I think you just have to accept that that's the way the game is played these days. Obviously don't lead people on more than necessary i.e. once you know that you're not interested then let them know, and if you're getting serious with someone then stop seeing other people.

 

[Steampunk]

That is really good advice. The loving myself thing might be a bit hard as I’ve never in my life felt like I’ve loved myself.
I’m going to try and be more laid back about the relationship situations though.

You can't really validate yourself through other people. You've got to learn to be a complete person yourself (or at least as much as you can be) before you can be solid in a relationship.

I would honestly just feel very guilty effectively leading someone on. Ie if talking to more than 1 person it’s inevitable one of them will be binned off which could cause upset (unless they bin me off) maybe it’s the wrong stance to take, how do you deal with those situations?

Don't take it personally. Dating nowadays is just people getting to know each other and seeing how it progresses. If you're not promising exclusivity, then you're not leading someone on. As long as you're being truthful, you shouldn't feel bad that you're meeting more than one person. Most women are doing the same as that is how modern dating works.

If you meet someone that you get along with and you both want to spend more time together, then the question of exclusivity can come up. It's a bit silly to promise yourself to one person when you've only met them a couple of times and they are dating other people. It's like going to a party and promising to only talk to one person when there are loads of others to chat to. In the early stages of dating, there's nothing wrong with meeting lots of people and seeing how it goes.

 

[joelk2]

Cheers chaps.

 

[Daxion5]

In the early stages of dating, there's nothing wrong with meeting lots of people and seeing how it goes.

This is completely right, and particularly after the breakdown of a long relationship. You've mentioned that you exchanged messages with a few people, and only some felt right - that's the purpose of dating, to figure out what you want.

One note of caution though - for some people (both men and women), moving to a more physical relationship signals exclusivity without anything being specifically agreed, and for some it doesn't. That's a really good one to be clear on before it happens, as it can be the single biggest miscommunication.

 

[joelk2]

This is completely right, and particularly after the breakdown of a long relationship. You've mentioned that you exchanged messages with a few people, and only some felt right - that's the purpose of dating, to figure out what you want.

One note of caution though - for some people (both men and women), moving to a more physical relationship signals exclusivity without anything being specifically agreed, and for some it doesn't. That's a really good one to be clear on before it happens, as it can be the single biggest miscommunication.

Yeah. So I’ve spoken to 3 woman since I split. 2 of those haven’t felt right. First was just after I moved out (split earlier last year but moved out in oct), she was an old friend who I was fond of before the ex, turns out she liked me too but I didn’t know it. We spoke from October til December, met a number of times too. It didn’t feel right and very one sided so I stopped messaging and never received a reply.
2nd one I messaged for a few weeks but nothing was clicking so I basically told her that it didn’t feel like it was working out so never went any further.
This recent one was just completely different. Everything felt right, we get on really well and the few breif meetings we’ve had has felt like we’ve known each other for ages.
The plan is that she’s coming over mine next week so we can spend the evening together and see how things feel (I’m pretty sure it will get physical) but she is stunning so I’m ok with that. We’re going to carry on as we are for the time being.
If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. I can’t and wouldn’t try forcing anything which isn’t there.
I guess I just have to try not get too attached even if it feels like it’s all going well.

 

[Captain]

Yeah. So I’ve spoken to 3 woman since I split. 2 of those haven’t felt right. First was just after I moved out (split earlier last year but moved out in oct), she was an old friend who I was fond of before the ex, turns out she liked me too but I didn’t know it. We spoke from October til December, met a number of times too. It didn’t feel right and very one sided so I stopped messaging and never received a reply.
2nd one I messaged for a few weeks but nothing was clicking so I basically told her that it didn’t feel like it was working out so never went any further.
This recent one was just completely different. Everything felt right, we get on really well and the few breif meetings we’ve had has felt like we’ve known each other for ages.
The plan is that she’s coming over mine next week so we can spend the evening together and see how things feel (I’m pretty sure it will get physical) but she is stunning so I’m ok with that. We’re going to carry on as we are for the time being.
If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. I can’t and wouldn’t try forcing anything which isn’t there.
I guess I just have to try not get too attached even if it feels like it’s all going well.

Hard not to get attached when you’re getting good sex and everything feels right.

I’ve been there and it’s a hard task.