The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Narj]

Yep, when I realised that relationships weren't a fairytale I just decided to be single instead

I'm pretty much on the cusp of living like a monk these days. Dating just seems like too much hassle and I'm not even bothered about one-nighters anymore.

While I'm not totally dismissing the possibility of something happening in the future, being single gives me a hassle-free life and has allowed me to get a lot of things sorted. I think I've just got too used to that now.

 

[regulus]

Couldnt agree more with your post. For me and my now ex-wife, she pretty much said that she needed me to make her happy all the time. Because I couldnt all the time, anytime I didn't became a reason to hate me just that little bit more. Then it became deep rooted resentment and ultimately hate.

Love is a choice. Relationships are not easy - but if one partner gives up then it is over. Plain and simple. It takes 2 to tango. I don't believe there is such a thing as "The One". There are many many compatible people in the world for us. I think once we accept that it takes the pressure off. We choose which ones to pursue and ultimately decide whether it worth to remain in said relationship.

I told my now longterm partner on the 3rd or 4th date that I'm not her personal clown, jester, comedian, entertainer, banker or daddy.

I knew she wasn't like that though but it was worth getting out there.

All I remember from my London days of dating was one copy-paste broad after another having 'travel as a passion' , 'have to make me laugh' and then something about caring deeply about animals or the environment or maybe both. Basically whatever was popular in the zeitgeist of the time. There was no actual difference between whatever crap they wrote.

 

[R.P.L]

I'm pretty much on the cusp of living like a monk these days. Dating just seems like too much hassle and I'm not even bothered about one-nighters anymore.

While I'm not totally dismissing the possibility of something happening in the future, being single gives me a hassle-free life and has allowed me to get a lot of things sorted. I think I've just got too used to that now.

Yeah, that's basically the same as me. I do go through periods of being more open to the idea of seeing people (I'm actually going through one now), but I know it's just a phase and I'll come to my senses soon

As you say, I've just got so comfortable being on my own and not having to consider anyone else day to day. It's probably fair to say that I've never actually had a proper relationship. I was with someone for around a year in my early 20s (that will be 20 years ago soon! ) but it was a bit on and off and generally a mess.

 

[413x]

I think if I became single now I'd be very tempted to go it alone. Not because 'girls suck' or 'dating is the worst' but because I have so many hobbies now that I'd have more time for these, got a lot of places I want to visit, and I'm quite time selfish.

 

[413x]

I told my now longterm partner on the 3rd or 4th date that I'm not her personal clown, jester, comedian, entertainer, banker or daddy.

I knew she wasn't like that though but it was worth getting out there.

All I remember from my London days of dating was one copy-paste broad after another having 'travel as a passion' , 'have to make me laugh' and then something about caring deeply about animals or the environment or maybe both. Basically whatever was popular in the zeitgeist of the time. There was no actual difference between whatever crap they wrote.

I told my gf pretty much in the first few months about not wanting kids. I mean, it's one of those things might as well be clear on at the start. I think it's better to get anything like this out early. Saves hurt later on.

 

[Narj]

I told my gf pretty much in the first few months about not wanting kids. I mean, it's one of those things might as well be clear on at the start. I think it's better to get anything like this out early. Saves hurt later on.

People change their minds, or play it down thinking you will change yours, so even that's not a solid guarantee of a smooth ride. I've had to bail a couple of times because of exactly this. I never wanted to waste someone's time by leading them on tbh.

 

[413x]

People change their minds, or play it down thinking you will change yours, so even that's not a solid guarantee of a smooth ride. I've had to bail a couple of times because of exactly this. I never wanted to waste someone's time by leading them on tbh.

Yeah people change thier minds. That can't be helped. And it's no one's fault. I guess it often happens in the early 30s bracket. Where biological clock starts playing on your mind. Long as people are honest, thats all you can ask. What's not cool is someone changing their mind and not telling you.

 

[Lysander]

Yeah people change thier minds. That can't be helped. And it's no one's fault. I guess it often happens in the early 30s bracket. Where biological clock starts playing on your mind. Long as people are honest, thats all you can ask. What's not cool is someone changing their mind and not telling you.

Or forcing you into it another way and lying that that wasn't their intention.

Which happens a lot. You should always make sure you use as much means/protection as is necessary for you to be mentally comfortable.

 

[Steampunk]

There's definitely a notion amongst some, that relationships are the be-all and end-all; a never ending fairytale of love, romance, sex and togetherness. I myself used to buy into that, but after having three glorious years of being single, I can honestly say now that I'm happier, wealthier and arguably healthier than I was back then. That doesn't mean to say that relationships don't afford you some "luxuries", but the desire to be in one just because you're not, is short-sighted at best.

I'm pretty much on the cusp of living like a monk these days. Dating just seems like too much hassle and I'm not even bothered about one-nighters anymore.

While I'm not totally dismissing the possibility of something happening in the future, being single gives me a hassle-free life and has allowed me to get a lot of things sorted. I think I've just got too used to that now.

Yeah, that's basically the same as me. I do go through periods of being more open to the idea of seeing people (I'm actually going through one now), but I know it's just a phase and I'll come to my senses soon

As you say, I've just got so comfortable being on my own and not having to consider anyone else day to day. It's probably fair to say that I've never actually had a proper relationship. I was with someone for around a year in my early 20s (that will be 20 years ago soon! ) but it was a bit on and off and generally a mess.

I think if I became single now I'd be very tempted to go it alone. Not because 'girls suck' or 'dating is the worst' but because I have so many hobbies now that I'd have more time for these, got a lot of places I want to visit, and I'm quite time selfish.

Hence the whole Manosphere/Men Going Their Own Way that has appeared over the last few years. It boils down to societal changes in relationships. Many women have become very entitled due to social media and online dating, and chase the top few men (who don't settle down because they have loads of women chasing after them). Other men who don't get a chance are realising that society and marriage tends to be very lopsided against men. Why work hard to support a wife and kids, when half of marriages fail, and 80 percent of those are where women initiate the divorce. The man loses his money, house, kids and relationship, even if the wife cheats.

Some men go full monk and just enjoy their own lives, others have relationships with women, but it boils down to not validating your life though a relationship, and not putting yourself in the position of only being valued for what you provide, and in a position where all of that can be taken away from you. Relationship dynamics have become lopsided, and men are refusing to engage with the game rather than lose because it's weighted against them.

That's not to say there aren't great people out there (both men and women), but I'm sure we all see or experience relationships that fall apart because it's easier than working to save them. The family/relationship/dating dynamic has changed in many ways, and men in particular are finding it no longer works for them, and that they can be much happier being single, maybe dating, but not committing to anything more because they've realised that their lives are happier and more fulfilling that way. For more and more men, the risk of losing everything to a system that consistently works against them in the event of a relationship breakdown simply isn't worth participating in.

 

[Tek81]

Hence the whole Manosphere/Men Going Their Own Way that has appeared over the last few years. It boils down to societal changes in relationships. Many women have become very entitled due to social media and online dating, and chase the top few men (who don't settle down because they have loads of women chasing after them). Other men who don't get a chance are realising that society and marriage tends to be very lopsided against men. Why work hard to support a wife and kids, when half of marriages fail, and 80 percent of those are where women initiate the divorce. The man loses his money, house, kids and relationship, even if the wife cheats.

Some men go full monk and just enjoy their own lives, others have relationships with women, but it boils down to not validating your life though a relationship, and not putting yourself in the position of only being valued for what you provide, and in a position where all of that can be taken away from you. Relationship dynamics have become lopsided, and men are refusing to engage with the game rather than lose because it's weighted against them.

That's not to say there aren't great people out there (both men and women), but I'm sure we all see or experience relationships that fall apart because it's easier than working to save them. The family/relationship/dating dynamic has changed in many ways, and men in particular are finding it no longer works for them, and that they can be much happier being single, maybe dating, but not committing to anything more because they've realised that their lives are happier and more fulfilling that way. For more and more men, the risk of losing everything to a system that consistently works against them in the event of a relationship breakdown simply isn't worth participating in.

Very well put. I fully agree.

 

[413x]

I think for me I'm really just time selfish. If a girl wants to do most of my hobbies that's ideal. I'd want her on board. Also, some is fine (and healthy) but as long as she's perfectly happy doing her own thing too.

What I've found I don't like is having to do things I don't want to do. That's not trying new things. But doing things I don't like.

These include traditional favourites like..
-restaurants.. Really not a fan. I just don't enjoy the experience
-to much socialising like clubs and pubs
-kids is an obvious no no as nothing wise sucks up time like a kid.
-endless hours watching TV

A lot of those are relatively common in women. And really, I just don't have the time for it. Only get 2 days off a week, and evenings. You can write a lot of that off for 'chores'. I don't want to spend most of that doing stuff I hate.

I guess for both men and women this increase in personal time and hobbies has left both feeling relationships are less needed. And in those fewer relationships. Kids are less appealing. So you have big impact on the traditional family. But things change ,traditions change. We need to adapt to this as a society . Not fight to keep it

 

[ci_newman]

Jeez you lot are depressing There's no greater sensation than snuggling up to the warm and soft female body every night

 

[413x]

Jeez you lot are depressing There's no greater sensation than snuggling up to the warm and soft female body every night

That's exactly the attitude we need to get away from!

Long as people are happy (and not resentful) that's what matters.

 

[Lysander]

Hence the whole Manosphere/Men Going Their Own Way that has appeared over the last few years. It boils down to societal changes in relationships. Many women have become very entitled due to social media and online dating, and chase the top few men (who don't settle down because they have loads of women chasing after them).

There's a girl at work who is utterly gorgeous. She's been single for ages, I have no idea how that's possible. If you asked her why, she's the kind of person who'd say, "the right guy just hasn't come along yet" and nothing more. One can only speculate. I do find it highly odd though.

Other men who don't get a chance are realising that society and marriage tends to be very lopsided against men. Why work hard to support a wife and kids, when half of marriages fail, and 80 percent of those are where women initiate the divorce. The man loses his money, house, kids and relationship, even if the wife cheats.

The media and the law courts are heavily tilted in favour of women. Women will pretend till they're blue in the face that they're the more oppressed sex, when in fact the opposite is true.

The trick is to get away from the whole "oppression" game entirely and for both sexes to help each other as much as possible. But the more the media point out the differences between the sexes, the more one will benefit over the other - financially and mentally. And that isn't the men.

 

[Blackvault]

Jeez you lot are depressing There's no greater sensation than snuggling up to the warm and soft female body every night

I read that comment in the voice of the recently departed Paul Ritter as Martin Goodman. "Any females on the go Adam?"

 

[Hades]

Hence the whole Manosphere/Men Going Their Own Way that has appeared over the last few years. It boils down to societal changes in relationships. Many women have become very entitled due to social media and online dating, and chase the top few men (who don't settle down because they have loads of women chasing after them). Other men who don't get a chance are realising that society and marriage tends to be very lopsided against men. Why work hard to support a wife and kids, when half of marriages fail, and 80 percent of those are where women initiate the divorce. The man loses his money, house, kids and relationship, even if the wife cheats.

Some men go full monk and just enjoy their own lives, others have relationships with women, but it boils down to not validating your life though a relationship, and not putting yourself in the position of only being valued for what you provide, and in a position where all of that can be taken away from you. Relationship dynamics have become lopsided, and men are refusing to engage with the game rather than lose because it's weighted against them.

That's not to say there aren't great people out there (both men and women), but I'm sure we all see or experience relationships that fall apart because it's easier than working to save them. The family/relationship/dating dynamic has changed in many ways, and men in particular are finding it no longer works for them, and that they can be much happier being single, maybe dating, but not committing to anything more because they've realised that their lives are happier and more fulfilling that way. For more and more men, the risk of losing everything to a system that consistently works against them in the event of a relationship breakdown simply isn't worth participating in.

Spot on. I've been married for almost 20 years but if I were a young man nowadays there is very little likelihood I would want to get married. The risk vs reward is just too high.

 

[Hades]

People change their minds, or play it down thinking you will change yours, so even that's not a solid guarantee of a smooth ride. I've had to bail a couple of times because of exactly this. I never wanted to waste someone's time by leading them on tbh.

I had this. When we met I made it clear I didn't want kids. She said she was Ok with that. When she reached her thirties she suddenly wanted kids and berated me for "wasting her good years". This was a long time ago and I know how women work now. I was very naive back then. We did stay together and eventually did have kids.

 

[LuckyBenski]

Can this not become a thread whinging about how much harder it is to have a successful relationship please, the gender politics of who wins family battles (women) and who wins employment/career stuff (men) belongs elsewhere.

It's one thing to point out that being happy alone is a healthy starting point before any new relationship, it's another to start suggesting that relationships are pointless. Not really the thread for it.

 

[Hades]

Can this not become a thread whinging about how much harder it is to have a successful relationship please, the gender politics of who wins family battles (women) and who wins employment/career stuff (men) belongs elsewhere.

It's one thing to point out that being happy alone is a healthy starting point before any new relationship, it's another to start suggesting that relationships are pointless. Not really the thread for it.

Let me understand correctly... a thread about relationships isn't the right place to discuss the long term prospects of relationships and for giving advice to people based on some of our experiences?

 

[LuckyBenski]

Let me understand correctly... a thread about relationships isn't the right place to discuss the long term prospects of relationships and for giving advice to people based on some of our experiences?

In my opinion it moved past relationship prospects and into "relationships are pointless". A valid subject for discussion but maybe not why people come to this thread.