That’s the thing. We haven’t had sex yet.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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I know but you’ve said it’ll get physical, if you already find her attractive and the sex turns out to be everything you hoped it would be, you’re doomed.
Haha. Doomed but fun will have been had.I know but you’ve said it’ll get physical, if you already find her attractive and the sex turns out to be everything you hoped it would be, you’re doomed.
Are some people forgetting that there is still very much a virus going around? 
I can't/won't hug family and not allowed to see them all but some people are meeting up and having sex etc
There might be people who think it's all a lie etc or that lockdown is unnecessary but all the time the virus exists and businesses can't reopen, or get shut down again etc other people's lives are being affected
Get to know someone properly before you let the physical side cloud your judgement
I can't/won't hug family and not allowed to see them all but some people are meeting up and having sex etc
There might be people who think it's all a lie etc or that lockdown is unnecessary but all the time the virus exists and businesses can't reopen, or get shut down again etc other people's lives are being affected
Get to know someone properly before you let the physical side cloud your judgement
Are you aware that lockdown is easing on the 12th? That over half the population has been vaccinated? That numbers have been cut drastically in large part due to the vaccine rollout? You can't expect lockdown to continue until it's wiped out, we're going to have to accept that Covid will be the norm for many years.
By all means take precautions, wear a mask and follow government guidance. But make sure to spend time with your family when the current situation allows it.
Soldato
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Very much this. You've already made it very clear that you've already become attached. You're taking things very seriously and spending a lot of mental energy thinking about the whole thing.
I get it. I'm the same/I was the same since I was 9 years old and I finally learned not to fall hopelessly for someone the second they show me attention... Aged about 25. The way I learned? Navigate a hundred failed scenarios. From reciprocated crushes where I blow it in 3 dates by coming on too strong, to year-long relationships where I check their social media daily and wait on messages obsessively. Plus tons and tons of short ones with one date or even less.
Just stay cool and let it happen as it happens. And by that I mean AVOID just getting swept up in the feelings of a new chemistry. Here's why: there are thousands of chances to have that chemistry in your lifetime. There are billions of potential partners in the world and a handful of them will become meaningful relationships in your life before you die. But in-between "The One" and those billions is the reality: if you get out there and meet people, and you are happy in yourself and your life already, then you won't attach undue import to the first person you click with.
I don't meant for any of that to sound harsh - I've spent most of my life hopelessly chasing women and being heartbroken and throwing good opportunities away by being too keen. But I definitely advise you to focus on your wider life and self right now.
Also as others have said she sounds a bit bunny boiler to me...
Yes I am very much aware of the roadmap that is planned for getting us all out of lockdown but we are still being told "act like you have it", keep your distance from people outside your household/bubble, don't meet indoors etc etc
Regardless, the point still stands that someone who is already getting invested in a woman just from the few meet ups and conversations they've had, shouldn't then be getting into the physical stuff too.
Doesn’t sound harsh at all
you just sounds like you’re describing me.
I’m going to try and relax a bit more about the whole situation anyways, I’ve started to the last few days and will continue going forward.
The way I’m looking at it now is that if she wants to reply she will. And if she doesn’t then she’s not interested so wasn’t the right one despite the connection we seemed to have.
Due to families etc my friends and myself are not as social as we were back in the day so the possibilities of meeting some one new are drastically reduced.
once things start opening back up I’m going to try and make the effort to do things I had less time for before and maybe will meet new people along the way
this is true but it’s already become obvious that the other guy isn’t going to listen to the advice, choosing to make his own mistakes instead.
Are some people forgetting that there is still very much a virus going around?
I can't/won't hug family and not allowed to see them all but some people are meeting up and having sex etc
There might be people who think it's all a lie etc or that lockdown is unnecessary but all the time the virus exists and businesses can't reopen, or get shut down again etc other people's lives are being affected
Get to know someone properly before you let the physical side cloud your judgement
I do agree and it was wrong of me to do so.
Except for this last month I have been super strict with lockdown. Even then I’ve only met this one woman twice. (Who is fully vaccinated due to her job)
Something which is mentioned in passing here makes me feel the need to comment, but is more complimentary / as an aside.
Love can be involuntary and magnetic (in which case it is intensely powerful but often consumable and fickle), however I think once you go on into the deeper realms, then the phrase ‘love is a choice’ can become more relevant.
I think that people can have many partners if they choose to make them work or not. It can be quite a burden (some might even say foolish) to strive for some sort of blissful ‘everything is indefinitely magical’. You may have better luck with gorging on chocolate or watching porn 24/7.
I remember quietly scoffing when I was told ‘love is a choice’ by someone a long time ago and I feel I do now have some understanding in what that means, because a relationship does (from time to time) require sacrifice, commitment and even courage to keep going in the face of adversity.
It is possible but I anticipate that few successful relationships survive merely on ‘mutual chemistry’. In which case, it’s really up to an individual to choose whether a relationship is actually good enough or not.
Joining back up with what you were saying, I’d be particularly cautious with relying on a relationship to make you happy (as I have done, many many times) as you end up in a stressful situation where you resent your partner for not providing you with the relief that you are looking for, then move on hoping for ‘more’ to plug the hole.
Just like anything in life, you get out what you put in and therefore all relationships will require some form of sacrifice, nurturing and work to stand their best chance.
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Couldnt agree more with your post. For me and my now ex-wife, she pretty much said that she needed me to make her happy all the time. Because I couldnt all the time, anytime I didn't became a reason to hate me just that little bit more. Then it became deep rooted resentment and ultimately hate.
Love is a choice. Relationships are not easy - but if one partner gives up then it is over. Plain and simple. It takes 2 to tango. I don't believe there is such a thing as "The One". There are many many compatible people in the world for us. I think once we accept that it takes the pressure off. We choose which ones to pursue and ultimately decide whether it worth to remain in said relationship.
I actually think this is why marriage is such a terrifying prospect for many people but particularly men, who may spend their days avoiding reality by fantasising over all the adventures and women that they could be consuming. By making their choice, they tie themselves to reality (even if it is a good reality), or more accurately cut themselves off from the compelling safe-space of fantasy.
As a person who has long lived in the infantile and compelling safe-spaces of fantasy (i.e. enjoying the bliss of the concept of having everything and everything perfect forever) it has been at times an agonising adjustment to bring myself into reality and reap any rewards of the real other than by means of gluttonous escapism via consumption (sex, food, drink, media etc). This laziness and rejection of reality explains why I’m currently overweight... but I’m now taking the bull by the horns!
There is a tendency in the western world to shuffle / juggle the world around ourselves to find peace rather than make any effort to challenge and properly sort the emotions and internal conflicts that we all feel.
Add in all these personal conflicts into a relationship between two people and the scope for conflict between those involved is enormous! Navigating those conflicts then requires honesty, robustness and courage/faith in your choices.
Just some slightly off topic commentary but relevant for the ‘quest’ of “finding the one”.
Soldato
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Pow, right in the feels. I feel targeted
You've dropped some right nuggets of wisdom over the course of this thread
Please don’t feel targeted as my comments certainly weren’t specifically aimed at you!Pow, right in the feels. I feel targeted
You've dropped some right nuggets of wisdom over the course of this thread
I do occasionally go off on one (and offer perhaps misspoken ‘wisdom’ from my own self musings) but I’m afraid I mostly talk the talk; I often end up wrapping myself up so tightly in self-analysis and second-guessing that I can’t tell up from down in a frantic spin. Certainly not very guru-like...! My biggest downfall is that, because of my huge ego, I’m absolutely terrified of failure or ‘being wrong’. So I frantically worry myself to success in a grossly unhealthy and overly-diligent manner. I very rarely fail at anything... but at what cost/gain? Is being so self-diligent and self-aware really optimal (with such diminishing returns)? It’s really not very peaceful and there is definitely a better balance to be made.
One thing seems key, even though I struggle with it: you need to become self aware and challenge yourself, but the very final step is to stop analysing yourself, ‘switch off’ and start living (with just a little ongoing sprinkling of self-awareness so you can better moderate yourself and your mind from what may be destructive tendencies).
Then there’s also the bonus universal truths:
- We can make all the right decisions and still lose.
- We can only control a very limited amount of things
- All we can do is make decisions and take actions that we think are in our best interests. That’s all.
- You can only do what you can do.
- We are humans, not gods, so don’t make yourself miserable by trying to be a god.
..... which I think can be summarised as “ahhhh, **** it”
One thing seems key, even though I struggle with it: you need to become self aware and challenge yourself, but the very final step is to stop analysing yourself, ‘switch off’ and start living (with just a little ongoing sprinkling of self-awareness so you can better moderate yourself and your mind from what may be destructive tendencies).
Then there’s also the bonus universal truths:
- We can make all the right decisions and still lose.
- We can only control a very limited amount of things
- All we can do is make decisions and take actions that we think are in our best interests. That’s all.
- You can only do what you can do.
- We are humans, not gods, so don’t make yourself miserable by trying to be a god.
..... which I think can be summarised as “ahhhh, **** it”
Sorry for the waffle!
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Life is not a Disney cartoon filled with constant love and ecstasy, or a Hollywood rom-com where hilarious misunderstandings ensue, but true love is found in the end. There is always work and effort to live a life, and moreso when there are two people doing it together. It's full of choices, compromises, sacrifices. Every path you go down is a hundred paths you did not take in favour of the one you did.
I can guarantee that in every relationship there will be a point where those involved have to decide if they are going to stay and make things work, or split up and go their separate ways. That's the biggest and most obvious choice, but it happens to everyone, probably more than once in every relationship. Being together is a choice made every day. It's something that a lot of people today don't seem to know. They've been sold the Disney dream, and use their social media and dating apps to throw away an old relationship and search for the next person who will make their lives perfect the moment things get a little hard. They think there's always someone newer and better over the horizon who will make everything better, when in fact it's a fool's errand to put your happiness on someone else.
It's a childish selfishness that says that if you're not happy, it's down to someone else to magically fix your life and your head to make it all better. Look in the mirror, not in the dating app, (regardless if you're single or with someone) and make the changes to the things you can control (ie yourself) to take your life and your mind to where you want it to be.
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@Steampunk it’s funny you mention the Disney dream as there is a passage from a book I read once that commented on the woeful messaging given by ‘fairytales’:
The general message told to men: Your life is a quest. You must go through adventures and epic hardships to earn what will be your true love.
The general message told to women: Wait patiently and your true love will find you.
Both are absurd and harmful if given any weight.
The very, very worst film for any sort of messaging that I have ever seen is the Disney version of The Little Mermaid. It’s absolutely appalling!! Hey, aspiring women, all you need to do for happiness is this: be ridiculously beautiful so that someone falls in love with you by sight alone (a literally impossible waistline is essential), give up everything you are for the favour of a man you don’t even know and render your personality completely obsolete in your ongoing sacrifice for your handsome prince. Heck, you don’t even need your utterly meaningless voice! \o/
The general message told to men: Your life is a quest. You must go through adventures and epic hardships to earn what will be your true love.
The general message told to women: Wait patiently and your true love will find you.
Both are absurd and harmful if given any weight.
The very, very worst film for any sort of messaging that I have ever seen is the Disney version of The Little Mermaid. It’s absolutely appalling!! Hey, aspiring women, all you need to do for happiness is this: be ridiculously beautiful so that someone falls in love with you by sight alone (a literally impossible waistline is essential), give up everything you are for the favour of a man you don’t even know and render your personality completely obsolete in your ongoing sacrifice for your handsome prince. Heck, you don’t even need your utterly meaningless voice! \o/
So true.
Social media is definitely a drain on society in many ways. My "ex" wife is a total social media addict. Constantly on facebook reading posts etc. a lot of it gives the illusion that everyone is fantastically happy and leading great and busy lives. The google generation as well - if you google things round "Why did my partner do this selfish thing etc etc" you will end up on websites saying that your marriage/relationship is over! Which if you are not careful, can lead you to believing something is terminal when it is not.
But the crux is - we all need to be inwardly happy. Too many people rely on their SO for this. That only ever leads to disappointment and ultimately resentment.When I look around at my friends who have gone through troubles such as we did, they are still together. Their issues seemed far bigger than ours ever did, but the key being both partners still loved each other and wanted it to work so they made it work. Who knows if they will ultimately be together 5 years from now or even truly happy, but when you through kids into the equation I think partners should double their efforts to try and make it work. That's what I find the most heart breaking in my predicament - why would someone who I had been with for 13 years and 3 kids turn round me to say "I don't love you anymore" and give us no time to try and fix it .. . .
I am firmly in the camp of looking at what I have rather than what I don't have. Relationships can't last longterm if one partner is of the "look at all these things I don't have".
There's definitely a notion amongst some, that relationships are the be-all and end-all; a never ending fairytale of love, romance, sex and togetherness. I myself used to buy into that, but after having three glorious years of being single, I can honestly say now that I'm happier, wealthier and arguably healthier than I was back then. That doesn't mean to say that relationships don't afford you some "luxuries", but the desire to be in one just because you're not, is short-sighted at best.