The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Gengar said:
There is no rush after all! Hopefully by doing the things you like you will meet a woman during these activities who will naturally be into the same things?

In my situation - ex wife now been moved out for 1 month now. This is the first full week she has had the kids as I have had them whilst she got her new place sorted. Don't miss her really as had a year of being separated living in the same house to get used to that part, but do miss the kids an awful lot. Our child care arrangement is thankfully 50/50 so 4 full days is longest I go without seeing them but not seeing them every morning takes a bit of getting used to. I had prepared mentally for this time to come - but still a bit of a gut punch!
I am doing more cycling and running and with my extra time enjoying doing the house up, reading, playing video games etc but they are a constant thought on my mind. I guess I need to look positively and realise they are with Mummy and therefore will be happy. Probably don't even notice I've gone! :)

Would be keen to hear how other other Fathers cope with this aspect?
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They always will be buddy. We don’t do 50/50 as it’s physically not practical with me working but the longest I go is 4 days too. (Albeit I have video calls in that time)

how much of a weight feels like has been lifted?

i went 6 months living in the same house after separated but honestly it was no different to when we’re together anyways (slept in separate rooms) so the transition for me was very easy.

I don’t miss my ex either but do miss the kids!

Onwards and upwards buddy!

I’ve been out for 7 months now and the kids have adapted amazingly (way better than I could have ever imagined)

everything with the ex is sorted (minus the house which is in the process) but once that’s done and she’s bought my share then we can start with the divorce process (wanted to get everything sorted prior to starting as there will then be nothing to disagree about)
 
joelk2 said:
They always will be buddy. We don’t do 50/50 as it’s physically not practical with me working but the longest I go is 4 days too. (Albeit I have video calls in that time)

how much of a weight feels like has been lifted?

i went 6 months living in the same house after separated but honestly it was no different to when we’re together anyways (slept in separate rooms) so the transition for me was very easy.

I don’t miss my ex either but do miss the kids!

Onwards and upwards buddy!

I’ve been out for 7 months now and the kids have adapted amazingly (way better than I could have ever imagined)

everything with the ex is sorted (minus the house which is in the process) but once that’s done and she’s bought my share then we can start with the divorce process (wanted to get everything sorted prior to starting as there will then be nothing to disagree about)
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Yeah massive weight lifted - a dead relationship is a big weight to carry. But the lack of metaphorical egg shells in the house is liberating. I always felt like I was walking on them past 2 or 3 years. However it has been replaced by the "missing the kids" weight to some degree now! But I know I will grow with that and it will just become part of my life now.

My Kids seem to coping really well too - they had a year of being aware of the upcoming change - they were also used to doing things with one parent at a time. Video called them last night and they were right as rain chatting away showing me their new toys etc at their mums house.

Regards divorce - do you need to wait 2 years before applying for one? I have not looked into this aspect too much yet. We have sorted the financials too between ourselves so fingers crossed there will be no requirement to revisit this aspect when it comes to formal divorce proceedings.
 
Gengar said:
Yeah massive weight lifted - a dead relationship is a big weight to carry. But the lack of metaphorical egg shells in the house is liberating. I always felt like I was walking on them past 2 or 3 years. However it has been replaced by the "missing the kids" weight to some degree now! But I know I will grow with that and it will just become part of my life now.

My Kids seem to coping really well too - they had a year of being aware of the upcoming change - they were also used to doing things with one parent at a time. Video called them last night and they were right as rain chatting away showing me their new toys etc at their mums house.

Regards divorce - do you need to wait 2 years before applying for one? I have not looked into this aspect too much yet. We have sorted the financials too between ourselves so fingers crossed there will be no requirement to revisit this aspect when it comes to formal divorce proceedings.
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Good to hear buddy! I’m with you on all that! It’s liberating but at the same time horric due to the children. I think the way the children are reacting to it helps massively. If they are coping ok and are happy then it’s easier for everyone involved.

in regards to divorce there are a few ways to go about it.

seperate for 2 years seems like the best option in my case (and yours by the sounds of it) it’s a way of divorcing without placing any blame.

the other way is placing some blame on one party. But it could literally be anything and it’s just on the paperwork. Things such as paying computer games too much, going to gym too much are all acceptable “blames”

the other option which is supposed to come into effect this year is a no fault divorce.
https://www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/no-fault-divorce-laws/

That’s one site that explains it.

I’m hoping we can just use one of those quick divorce services when it comes to it as we would have sorted everything between us!
 
Ah yes had heard the no fault divorce thing was coming.Ideally we want minimum fuss - basically to sign something and be done with it. We both agreed any legal wranglings would be detrimental to co parenting effectively - so far we have avoided the need.
I am sure she could find many things to write as "blames" for me though - anything I did seemed to bring issues in the dying months! I think my breathing was acceptable but that was about it :cry:
Onwards and upwards indeed! Will be interesting looking back on these posts 2 years from now!
 
Gengar said:
Ah yes had heard the no fault divorce thing was coming.Ideally we want minimum fuss - basically to sign something and be done with it. We both agreed any legal wranglings would be detrimental to co parenting effectively - so far we have avoided the need.
I am sure she could find many things to write as "blames" for me though - anything I did seemed to bring issues in the dying months! I think my breathing was acceptable but that was about it :cry:
Onwards and upwards indeed! Will be interesting looking back on these posts 2 years from now!
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at least breathing was acceptable. it wasnt for me :cry:
 
joelk2 said:
at least breathing was acceptable. it wasnt for me :cry:
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We laugh about it but really women who want out of a relationship tend to cause arguments and blame their partner for anything and everything they do, rather than just articulate that they want out of the relationship or maybe even try and discuss their issues they simply go about making everyone miserable and angry, this is pretty much a form of emotional abuse and it should be called out. This is why I always say, if you as a man believe you have acted reasonably and your behaviour is acceptable then do not tolerate a partner causing an argument or making you feel bad, call out their behaviour for what it is. Basically stand up for yourself and don't get dragged into believing you've done something wrong or are to blame if you aren't. That's gaslighting.
 
Roar87 said:
We laugh about it but really women who want out of a relationship tend to cause arguments and blame their partner for anything and everything they do, rather than just articulate that they want out of the relationship or maybe even try and discuss their issues they simply go about making everyone miserable and angry, this is pretty much a form of emotional abuse and it should be called out. This is why I always say, if you as a man believe you have acted reasonably and your behaviour is acceptable then do not tolerate a partner causing an argument or making you feel bad, call out their behaviour for what it is. Basically stand up for yourself and don't get dragged into believing you've done something wrong or are to blame if you aren't. That's gaslighting.
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I understand it’s gaslighting but I took no notice anyways.

I’m the type of person who stays calm in any situation and I don’t react (as often people are looking for a reaction to boost their ego)

but yeah emotional abuse does happen for men and women alike
 
joelk2 said:
How’s everyone doing in here, any news?
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My expat partner moved in 6 weeks ago having not seen each other since dec 2019 and catching covid whilst in Kazakhstan and the USA.

we now have a Cat ( RSPCA) and I proposed last Sunday whilst in Barmouth and she said “yes”
 
Wizzfizz said:
Split with my girlfriend a few months ago. Odd feeling really as I just never felt attached to her when we was a couple. Like she'd go to bed at night and I'd stay up as I just couldn't be bothered to go up with her. Soon as we split properly and I moved out, I felt so much need to see her and was craving to be with her. We did have a few booty calls, not the best idea, but it was intense! I couldn't and she couldn't get enough. Thing is, afterwards when I'd leave a massive guilt came over me and made me feel like crap and used? isolated?, something like that.

The thing I don't understand is the part that I never bothered going up to bed with her when she did, as i couldn't be bothered, but soon as we split, I was wanting her badly! I think she was using this to have a hold over me. She also used the 'we can be friends' phrase. Not a fan of that at all, as I think she just wanted to have a connection with me and some sort of hold, or to help her cope better.

I've cut all ties with her now but still think about her from time to time. She asked for some of her stuff back though, I literally gave her everything back. Christmas and birthday cards, aftershaves, all different presents. I literally have nothing of hers at my place. Could well be a good thing, but I know I did it because I was annoyed and peeved.

She had real bad anger issues all the time and could switch it on in an instant for the silliest and smallest thing. I also found her very manipulative quite a few times.

Just venting all this out. Maybe I dodged a massive bullet, as I could have had a kid with her or a mortgage, or both.
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Sounds like you had something called "hysterical bonding" which is not that unusual after a breakup.
 
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