dlockers
D
dlockers
You aren't dating the "old girl" so why wouldn't you go for a coffee with her?
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
If things with new girl are Going good why are you asking? Do you want to see the old girl?
If so, you're probably settling for the new one.
Asking more how to say no in a nice way. I’m not a wordsmith and can often be quite blunt in how I say things.
dlockers
D
dlockers
It sounds like you don't want to go on a "friends" coffee with this old-girl because you don't want to complicate things with new girl; 'friend-zone' coffee or not. So just say that.
Got you.
If you've previously told her you're not interested I'd just not reply.
Otherwise just simply say, sorry I'm not interested. It is blunt. But it's honest. Well that's what I'd do.
If you really want, you can add 'I'm seeing someone else' to that
Caporegime
- Joined
- 30 Jul 2013
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- 29,634
I get where you are coming from, it sounds like a bad situation.
However if she has "shaky mental health" as you say, then persuading somebody like that in to having children could be a recipe for disaster, especially when you are already questioning how she would cope.
You say you don't trust that she is being 100% honest about it, but your choice is either give her a few more years and see how things go, or break up with her now if you are really desperate.
But even then you still have to find a new partner who does want kids and that could take years to get to that point again anyway.
Me and my wife have been together over 10 years and married for 3 years and we both wanted kids at the beginning. But over the years we have realised it wouldn't really be for us and we don't have a good support network around us now.
Her dad died in 2008 and her mum died last year and my parents are in their early 70's and beyond being able to give much in the way of childcare support.
It's not unusual for women to have kids well in to their late 30's now though.
Many things far from ideal are not unusual nowadays though. Her primal screaming she can't have kids in late 30s will also wont be unusual.
To OP you should give minimal spins to your crazy cracked plate and seek out a new healither woman with less mental problems and less games.
Never thought I'd be posting in this, but my wife and have split, been 10 years (not married entire ten) but known each other since first school.
Feel totally lost and broken, I'm still in love with her and keep hoping it will change but based on our discussions it won't
she believes I'm not the positive person I was at the start amongst other elements, she was surprised I didn't see this coming, all happened in last 24hrs
.
I raised some points which have been raised quite a fair bit over years which she acknowledged and believes is part of reason she can't carry on, I haven't felt she has made much on a effort at times in relationship or shown that much effection. She admits this so not much I can do.
Effectively she believes we're more like friends/house mates than anything else.
I'm just lost, broken and feel like somewhere I should have known I'd of done anything to stop this if I could. Only thing that is keeping me going is that I need too for our son (5)
We're on talking terms, and all the discussion so far have been amicable no shouting or hate from either person.
However I still just want my family, any way rant over there is of course other bits and pieces but I'm just broke
Feel totally lost and broken, I'm still in love with her and keep hoping it will change but based on our discussions it won't
she believes I'm not the positive person I was at the start amongst other elements, she was surprised I didn't see this coming, all happened in last 24hrs.
I raised some points which have been raised quite a fair bit over years which she acknowledged and believes is part of reason she can't carry on, I haven't felt she has made much on a effort at times in relationship or shown that much effection. She admits this so not much I can do.
Effectively she believes we're more like friends/house mates than anything else.
I'm just lost, broken and feel like somewhere I should have known I'd of done anything to stop this if I could. Only thing that is keeping me going is that I need too for our son (5)
We're on talking terms, and all the discussion so far have been amicable no shouting or hate from either person.
However I still just want my family, any way rant over there is of course other bits and pieces but I'm just broke
Never thought I'd be posting in this, but my wife and have split, been 10 years (not married entire ten) but known each other since first school.
Feel totally lost and broken, I'm still in love with her and keep hoping it will change but based on our discussions it won't
.
I raised some points which have been raised quite a fair bit over years which she acknowledged and believes is part of reason she can't carry on, I haven't felt she has made much on a effort at times in relationship or shown that much effection. She admits this so not much I can do.
Effectively she believes we're more like friends/house mates than anything else.
I'm just lost, broken and feel like somewhere I should have known I'd of done anything to stop this if I could. Only thing that is keeping me going is that I need too for our son (5)
We're on talking terms, and all the discussion so far have been amicable no shouting or hate from either person.
However I still just want my family, any way rant over there is of course other bits and pieces but I'm just broke
it sounds like she ‘checked out’ a while ago for reasons other than (but probably including) the ones she’s mentioned, she’s mentioned those as you can’t argue against them. The suddenness is what makes this situation worse but the fact that she doesn’t want to try to work it out or hasn’t (presumably) communicated her concerns previously suggests she really doesn’t want to be in the relationship. Dare I say she already has her next move(s) planned out.
Unfortunately this means there’s nothing you can do but eventually start looking for someone who does want to be with you. All in good time of course. It’s absolutely OK to feel crap about the situation and it’ll get better with time. Don’t let her make you feel like it’s entirely your fault.
To her credit she hasn't made it out all like its my fault, she has fully admitted there are faults on her side, she has communicated some concerns such as my mood can be low etc, but then she says there's days am fine, This is partly due to anxiety issues I have which I've done CBT for awhile ago and currently doing it again due to flair ups, she believed maybe that could be a cause of some of the issues, I said to her I cant say that 100% as anxiety doesn't work that way there isn't an on/off switch.
When we first got together i didn't have any anxiety issues, I had the OCD issues which was diagnosed too but she was supportive so i don't think that's the reason, I keep looking for a point where it went wrong and I said this to her, her answer was there isn't a set point she just said she has felt this way for awhile and just isn't in love with me now, love as we all know isnt enough at times
She still wishes to be friends as well that what we are/were most of our lives before we got together, I want the same and we will always be talking as we have a son together, it just breaks my heart that im not with him every day, Ill have to have nights where i don't see him besides a video call etc.
She has already said she wouldn't and will never get between, she is fine for me to come see him when ever after work before etc, like i will keep doing the school runs as it works for us as a family unit regardless of us being together, plus it means i see him every morning every day so thats a good thing for me, of course today we have plans to talk about well a plan and what we will do with finances, stuff etc, i just never thought id be here.
I suppose the only positive that i feel at the moment is that currently it is all amicable
Caporegime
- Joined
- 7 Apr 2008
- Posts
- 25,116
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- Lorville - Hurston
sorry to hear that bro.Never thought I'd be posting in this, but my wife and have split, been 10 years (not married entire ten) but known each other since first school.
Feel totally lost and broken, I'm still in love with her and keep hoping it will change but based on our discussions it won't
.
I raised some points which have been raised quite a fair bit over years which she acknowledged and believes is part of reason she can't carry on, I haven't felt she has made much on a effort at times in relationship or shown that much effection. She admits this so not much I can do.
Effectively she believes we're more like friends/house mates than anything else.
I'm just lost, broken and feel like somewhere I should have known I'd of done anything to stop this if I could. Only thing that is keeping me going is that I need too for our son (5)
We're on talking terms, and all the discussion so far have been amicable no shouting or hate from either person.
However I still just want my family, any way rant over there is of course other bits and pieces but I'm just broke
Just try and move on.
plenty of fish in the sea.
I always recommmend anyone always has what i call a reserve for themselves, ie never fully commit and devote to a person with all your heart. always leave a bit of your heart and devotion to yourself because nothing is ever set in stone and life is too short to dwell on things like this that could happen.
Same really, it's a story I've heard often.
**** her, if this is out of the blue, then she has given up too easily.
Anybody else on the scene? Women rarely move on without someone else waiting in the wings for them. I'm not saying you should stay together just because you have a kid together, but relationships need work form both sides and throwing in the towel so easily is cowardly.
Also, she may be amicable now, but what about when you both start seeing other people? Most likely she will first. Make sure you look after yourself and own interests too.
Soldato
- Joined
- 11 Sep 2009
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- 14,064
- Location
- France, Alsace
This isn't true.
Without going into my own personal present experiences too much, I think that it's often that men and women attempt to communicate in relationships but are wholly ineffective at doing so. So you end up in this infinite toxic loop of miscommunication where you're not expressing yourself and the impact of each other's actions on one another. The likelihood is that this has been many years of things that have built up and she has not found a way to communicate this without and potentially internalised this until she reached a point herself, now, that means she's had enough and feels you both are not on the same path you once were.
@Mark1989 I'm sorry for where you are, I really am and feel your pain. Take this as an opportunity to look after you. Focus on you and learn from this. I'm currently talking to someone to try and understand more about myself and why I do some of the things I do. I've been reflecting a lot, listening a lot, trying to learn. I ultimately don't know where that will end up for you, or me for that matter, but it can only be positive when you think about the long term. Whatever happens you'll know that you worked on you to be the best you can be and taking that forwards, you'll be happier. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. That's not going to make anyone happy. You love her and want her to be happy I'm sure. Feel free to drop me a message any time. I relate a lot to your situation.
I know what you mean and that's what i was saying - a relationship needs work and you have to talk about problems. Things have obviously been getting worse as time went on, but they did not talk. It has gone from ignoring problems > leaving/divorce.
There were many steps that could have been taken before the final option of ending the relationship.
There were many steps that could have been taken before the final option of ending the relationship.
Certainly no one else, if/when she meets some else she has said what we arrange is what the person would have to accept.
Looking back I could have spoke more in regards to some aspects however some of stuff she brought up and I did we did discuss, however the same discussion occurred months or weeks later so in hindsight they clearly didn't work.