The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

randomshenans · 20 Jul 2021 at 13:50

Nitefly said:
I think there is caution that needs to be observed when it comes to the mantra of “be yourself”.

You obviously shouldn’t be deliberately and perpetually false in any friendship or relationship, but beyond that life is a bit shonky and grey. As I mentioned, parts of me want to be running off all over the place chasing whatever takes my imagination, completely at odds with my obligations (relationship or otherwise). “Being yourself” also potentially curbs personal growth if you are just entertaining childish behaviours.

But, pursuing compelling and fickle desires makes you feel connected and alive.

You’ve got to just let it soak in and soak away…. try to feel lightly and walk the path the best you can. No rights and wrongs.

I think it's a good opportunity for self reflection and "are you being the best you you can be?" it isn't for anyone else, but "just be yourself" without looking at what that looks like just means you are not accepting your flaws and that's all of us.

Mark1989 · 20 Jul 2021 at 18:37

Once again I appreciate all the advise and posts, means allot

Tonight I decided to go out out see a friend at a pub, normally something I don't do but want some social aspects and not to sit at parents and just do nothing

Rannoch · 20 Jul 2021 at 18:56

Keeping active is important, can you afford to get your own place?

Mark1989 · 20 Jul 2021 at 21:55

Rannoch said:
Keeping active is important, can you afford to get your own place?

No chance, that's probably off for foreseeable future tbh.

BallistixOnZ490 · 20 Jul 2021 at 22:18

Mark1989 said:
No chance, that's probably off for foreseeable future tbh.

Relationship breakdown makes you eligible for shared ownership as long as you don't earn more than £60k a year and dont own any other peoperty.

Assuming you leave the property you share, you become eligible, but I don't know how people in this situation deal with the waiting time.

Mark1989 · 20 Jul 2021 at 22:34

BallistixOnZ490 said:
Relationship breakdown makes you eligible for shared ownership as long as you don't earn more than £60k a year and dont own any other peoperty.

Assuming you leave the property you share, you become eligible, but I don't know how people in this situation deal with the waiting time.

We never owned the house, it was rented so no ownership to share

BallistixOnZ490 · 20 Jul 2021 at 23:13

Mark1989 said:
We never owned the house, it was rented so no ownership to share

No no no no ....

That means your eligible!

Shared ownership means sharing the ownership with a social landlord and aka housing association. Normally you purchase half, and rent the other half, but can be anywhere between 25-75%.

Looking for shared ownership alongside looking for rented simply gives you more options. The main difference is you are responsible for most of a shared ownership house, the rent only pays for the interest on the remaining share and building insurance.

You can purchase the remaining share later, and if eligible for housing benefit then its mostly free (I only pay £10 a month on the remaining share after HB).

Gengar · 21 Jul 2021 at 09:36

Mark1989 said:
We never owned the house, it was rented so no ownership to share

Also don't automatically move out just because you are the guy. Especially if the ending of the relationship was not your decision,. I don't know how big the place is but is there no scope to still live there whilst you BOTH get things sorted financially? With a child involved and what seems like a level of amicability, you shouldn't be automatically making yourself homeless!

malachi · 21 Jul 2021 at 13:03

Gengar said:
Also don't automatically move out just because you are the guy. Especially if the ending of the relationship was not your decision,. I don't know how big the place is but is there no scope to still live there whilst you BOTH get things sorted financially? With a child involved and what seems like a level of amicability, you shouldn't be automatically making yourself homeless!

This times 100!!!!

Too many men leave the house to the woman and end up moving back in with their parents. While she happily brings in other men into the house to have fun with.

It needs to stop!

Mark1989 · 21 Jul 2021 at 13:28

Gengar said:
Also don't automatically move out just because you are the guy. Especially if the ending of the relationship was not your decision,. I don't know how big the place is but is there no scope to still live there whilst you BOTH get things sorted financially? With a child involved and what seems like a level of amicability, you shouldn't be automatically making yourself homeless!

I have already moved out, taken my stuff. Wouldn't want to hang around whilst sorting stuff as would just feel awkward imo. She said I didn't need to go but I just felt best decision all round

Have gone back to parents for the moment

Ayahuasca · 21 Jul 2021 at 13:53

You want to hope it stays amicable then as I'm sure choosing to move out can be used against you by some repugnant divorce lawyers. I'm almost certain there was a case of this, in this very thread.

Scougar · 21 Jul 2021 at 13:59

Just randomly seeing this thread. If you leave, you basically give her the rights as "you left" and didn't maintain domicile.

Mark1989 · 21 Jul 2021 at 14:18

Ayahuasca said:
You want to hope it stays amicable then as I'm sure choosing to move out can be used against you by some repugnant divorce lawyers. I'm almost certain there was a case of this, in this very thread.

I don't even know where to start with the divorce bit, of course we have split and isn't any going back but I don't know how costly divorce lawyers are.

When it comes to processing that I was assuming as its amicable and both agree its over and tbh there isn't any bad blood, no arguments currently etc, I'd of thought it be an easy job for a lawyer?

There are no assesets to divide up, no house ownership, etc.

As we're sorting days I have my son and she does privately along with money I'll pay for him each month it would make it easier?

ci_newman · 21 Jul 2021 at 14:36

Mark1989 said:
I don't even know where to start with the divorce bit, of course we have split and isn't any going back but I don't know how costly divorce lawyers are.

When it comes to processing that I was assuming as its amicable and both agree its over and tbh there isn't any bad blood, no arguments currently etc, I'd of thought it be an easy job for a lawyer?

There are no assesets to divide up, no house ownership, etc.

As we're sorting days I have my son and she does privately along with money I'll pay for him each month it would make it easier?

Are you going for 50/50 custody? No pensions or cars or anything of value there either?

Mark1989 · 21 Jul 2021 at 16:19

ci_newman said:
Are you going for 50/50 custody? No pensions or cars or anything of value there either?

We have two cars, she is keeping one and I'm keeping other.

We have worked out some day/night so for example Wednesday nights he is with me, then Saturday night and Sunday through day up to mid afternoon.

Of course with school holidays that will be same but also extra day here and there.

I'll also be taking him to school most days and she will remain doing school picks ups as routine was before.

There are pensions but not joint just her own and my own

ci_newman · 21 Jul 2021 at 16:34

Mark1989 said:
We have two cars, she is keeping one and I'm keeping other.

We have worked out some day/night so for example Wednesday nights he is with me, then Saturday night and Sunday through day up to mid afternoon.

Of course with school holidays that will be same but also extra day here and there.

I'll also be taking him to school most days and she will remain doing school picks ups as routine was before.

The reason I mention custody is because that will dictate what level of child support you have to pay. It's in your best interest (and your son) for you to have him 50% of the time so I would be pressing for that as much as possible.

Assuming you have no material assets (pension etc) then no, there's no requirement to get a lawyer involved. You can handle all the paperwork yourself. Bare in mind that unless that has been adultery or unreasonable behaviour, you'll need to wait for 2 years of separation before you can actually file for divorce.

[Edit] If you have 50% custody, you will pay no child support at all

ivrytwr3 · 21 Jul 2021 at 17:49

I think you are a little naive Mark:

focusing on how amicable things are
the only pensions are hers and mine, no joint.
Etc

You have already left the family home, fortunately, it was a rental and not mortgaged as that would already be a mistake. Pensions, they are not his and hers, they are a financial asset as to which you both have claim too.

As for amicable, you may be now, but how many marriages end amicably, but then suddenly turn? New partners, new homes, moving away, basically things change buddy.

I know you must be hurting and i do hope things stay amicable for all of you. But be prepared to lawyer up if things go south. You must think of yourself too.

randomshenans · 21 Jul 2021 at 18:25

To be fair, I do know many who have remained completely amicable about the whole thing without the need for all the drama and ****. Really depends on the people involved, and often their families, sadly.

Mason- · 21 Jul 2021 at 19:43

Same. Mum and step father argued constantly and had an awful marriage, they divorced amicably. I think they were probably both just relieved.

BallistixOnZ490 · 21 Jul 2021 at 19:45

My parents did nothing but argue and scream at each other their whole lives. Dad best my mum loads, she had at least 50 mental health / midlife crises screaming that she wanted a divorce and to leave.

They never divorced and stayed together 'for their kids sake'. Look at how well that helped me to turn out!

Not really much different for most non white families.