The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[alchal]

Looking back I could have spoke more in regards to some aspects however some of stuff she brought up and I did we did discuss, however the same discussion occurred months or weeks later so in hindsight they clearly didn't work.

What's to discuss if she sees you as a friend/love has gone, nothing will work if that's the case.

Also having been with our lass for 10 years and having had a major meltdown due to other family problems our lass literally threw everything and the kitchen sink plus time to pull us through (depression ion my part)

 

[randomshenans]

I know what you mean and that's what i was saying - a relationship needs work and you have to talk about problems. Things have obviously been getting worse as time went on, but they did not talk. It has gone from ignoring problems > leaving/divorce.

There were many steps that could have been taken before the final option of ending the relationship.

Yes, I do agree and it's a shame that this has got to this point and she hasn't felt she could do that before now.

 

[Mark1989]

Well we spoke more today as we had plenty to discuss regarding son, finances etc, we did speak more about issues one thing i did say was as much as id be unsure if it would work id of tried couple counselling anything to give it another shot but she feels too far gone and essentially too much in friend space. she also said she wouldn't wanna say try again just cause she sees me hurting as she feels thats unfair which it would be.

We came up with a plan and how me seeing son will work which is good, as he is the priority above all.

 

[Gengar]

Well we spoke more today as we had plenty to discuss regarding son, finances etc, we did speak more about issues one thing i did say was as much as id be unsure if it would work id of tried couple counselling anything to give it another shot but she feels too far gone and essentially too much in friend space. she also said she wouldn't wanna say try again just cause she sees me hurting as she feels thats unfair which it would be.

We came up with a plan and how me seeing son will work which is good, as he is the priority above all.

It is tough. Probably the toughest thing you have experienced. I have gone through this. I am 14 months on now from when my ex wife said those words "I don't love you anymore". 4 months being fully separate - first 10 months we had to stay in same house as had to sort the finances regards house in order to buy another house close by.
The feeling of dread in your stomach. It is horrendous. Waking up in the morning with it on your mind. Going to bed with it on your mind. Absolutely brutal.

You will follow the phases of denial. Accept that you will. But in time it will get easier.

You will miss your kid an incredible amount when you don't have him. He will dominate your thoughts. Don't let this be a negative - he is with the one other person he loves as much as you, his mother. Use the time wisely - become a better person. Become a better father. Your wife chose to leave you. It was not sudden, these feelings of hers have probably gone on for 12 months+. You will in time reflect and acknowledge this. Don't dwell on the past, you cant change it - sure you have flaws, we all do. Spend a bit of time to figure how you can work on some of these flaws. Some of these will be inherently YOU that you cant change - that's OK. We need to love our partner for who they are - not for who we wish they were. But then 100% the most important - look after yourself. I thought I could still salvage things in my marriage, suggested counselling, tried really hard to be a better husband. It is hard to accept that your wife no longer loves you. Particularly when there is no big drama like an affair, abuse etc. By all means try a bit more to salvage it - but it is diminishing returns, you will know when enough is enough. All that energy can be better spent on both YOU and your Son.

Now for the hard part - trying to stay friendly to one another. In the start, it should be easy to be amicable. Then it gets harder as each discussion develops - child rota, money, house, car etc. I devoured hundreds of articles online to try and figure out how to get through this. COuntless articles on how to coparent. We have had many heated discussions in the past 14 months. It is getting easier on that front, but there always new issues arising. But it fades into background noise when I have kids. You don't realise how much a weight your failing relationship was until you are free from it.

Now about the kids. I'll be honest, the thought of seeing my kids 50% dominated thoughts, far more than the failing of the marriage. My kids are now 6,5 and 3. They have adapted remarkably well. That has helped massively, knowing they are at ease with the situation. It helps we have 2 houses close by. I do miss them when I don't have them. They are on my mind all the time but not in a destructive sad/lonely way. I focus on quality time now. There is no requirement to do house chores or DIY when they are here etc- I do all that in my free time now when they are at hers. Everything has plusses and minuses. This is the hand you have been dealt, so you need to make it work for you and your son. Now of course your Son is your number 1 priority. But it cant be stressed enough - if you break, your Son loses. Take time to heal, take the time to grow, take the time to rekindle lost hobbies, pursue your interests in your extra free time and don't feel guilty about doing it. Life will get better! Might not seem like it now, but it will .

 

[Mark1989]

It is tough. Probably the toughest thing you have experienced. I have gone through this. I am 14 months on now from when my ex wife said those words "I don't love you anymore". 4 months being fully separate - first 10 months we had to stay in same house as had to sort the finances regards house in order to buy another house close by.
The feeling of dread in your stomach. It is horrendous. Waking up in the morning with it on your mind. Going to bed with it on your mind. Absolutely brutal.

You will follow the phases of denial. Accept that you will. But in time it will get easier.

You will miss your kid an incredible amount when you don't have him. He will dominate your thoughts. Don't let this be a negative - he is with the one other person he loves as much as you, his mother. Use the time wisely - become a better person. Become a better father. Your wife chose to leave you. It was not sudden, these feelings of hers have probably gone on for 12 months+. You will in time reflect and acknowledge this. Don't dwell on the past, you cant change it - sure you have flaws, we all do. Spend a bit of time to figure how you can work on some of these flaws. Some of these will be inherently YOU that you cant change - that's OK. We need to love our partner for who they are - not for who we wish they were. But then 100% the most important - look after yourself. I thought I could still salvage things in my marriage, suggested counselling, tried really hard to be a better husband. It is hard to accept that your wife no longer loves you. Particularly when there is no big drama like an affair, abuse etc. By all means try a bit more to salvage it - but it is diminishing returns, you will know when enough is enough. All that energy can be better spent on both YOU and your Son.

Now for the hard part - trying to stay friendly to one another. In the start, it should be easy to be amicable. Then it gets harder as each discussion develops - child rota, money, house, car etc. I devoured hundreds of articles online to try and figure out how to get through this. COuntless articles on how to coparent. We have had many heated discussions in the past 14 months. It is getting easier on that front, but there always new issues arising. But it fades into background noise when I have kids. You don't realise how much a weight your failing relationship was until you are free from it.

Now about the kids. I'll be honest, the thought of seeing my kids 50% dominated thoughts, far more than the failing of the marriage. My kids are now 6,5 and 3. They have adapted remarkably well. That has helped massively, knowing they are at ease with the situation. It helps we have 2 houses close by. I do miss them when I don't have them. They are on my mind all the time but not in a destructive sad/lonely way. I focus on quality time now. There is no requirement to do house chores or DIY when they are here etc- I do all that in my free time now when they are at hers. Everything has plusses and minuses. This is the hand you have been dealt, so you need to make it work for you and your son. Now of course your Son is your number 1 priority. But it cant be stressed enough - if you break, your Son loses. Take time to heal, take the time to grow, take the time to rekindle lost hobbies, pursue your interests in your extra free time and don't feel guilty about doing it. Life will get better! Might not seem like it now, but it will .

Thank you, also thanks to all who have posted.

It's still very early days, if anything only thing I can say is certainly past day/night I have been having a think regards to the why, I certainly feel there is aspects she gave up long before she decided this.

Some of the stuff we did bicker regularly about and to some extent argued about never changed, even though they came up every few months.

I have also realised these aspects or my points to her I was dam well sick of discussing, we had become more like friends who did some basic couple routines occasionally but no where near often enough, I'm still in some what shock but the more I've been thinking I'm starting to think she maybe right long term this will be best.

Looking back which is all I've been doing somewhere she just became mum and I just became a dad, the us got lost somewhere along the line.

Even if she said she try again I'm now thinking even if I said yes I'd have doubts or that she would do this again and I don't want to torture myself

 

[arknor]

Effectively she believes we're more like friends/house mates than anything else.

is she about 30 years old cos I had similar twice, I think it's when some women have a mid life crisis and want to relive their youth or feel like they are missing out on clubbing.

I don't know what people think a marriage/long term relationship is, "the spark" is just an illusion for the foolish that wears thin fast

 

[Ayahuasca]

The spark is just the initial reason or reasons you got together, it takes a heck of a lot of work to keep a meaningful relationship going even if you look like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston well into your 40's.

People change and sometimes if you aren't willing to change along the way it just creates a rift. You know the obvious ones, like men who never chip in to do the housework because they're the breadwinner. Or never take their wife on dates as that's just something you do at the start and meals out are a waste of money when you've just spent 15 grand on a kitchen etc.

@Mark1989 if there are things that you keep running through your mind as in, I could have done more here or there. I would advise writing them down and discussing them with people you trust to see if it's a "you" issue or relatively normal behaviour. Yeah, every relationship is different but you'll get some pointers as to which habits are healthy or not.

 

[Mark1989]

We're both 32, she believes I'm not the positive person I was at the start.

I'm also abit too stern with our son apparently, she feels I'm unhappy at times. My points to her is that over the years I felt she doesn't show enough effection, I mean that on all level not just sex

I felt she didn't try enough with us to do stuff as in weekends away just us etc. She again admits that. I mean our son is 5, not once have we had a weekend away since he was born, despite family offering to have him for weekend, I was always up for it she wasn't.

Also regarding us even a meal out she was meh to it, I'd have to do book it in secret, arrange child care and then we would go, she would always enjoy the evening so It always baffled me it was difficult to actually do it.

My other point was and hers we mostly did separate stuff in week, not hobbies outside but in house her routine most of time would put son to sleep and she would go to sleep, most suggestions on evening by me were met with I'm tired I just wanna chill.

So I'd end up watching a film on my own, TV show or play a game.

However if said let's put Netflix or film on it mostly had to be when she wanted, her chill was watch some ***** in bed and then fall asleep.

She said multiple times I'd suggest similar stuff too often however I pointed out times I've suggested different ideas and she hasn't wanted to then either.

Baffling thing is we would do days out all be it family days e.g. zoo with son, sea sides etc

There just wasn't enough of me and her doing various things together by the end.

There at times just wasn't an us looking back. She has reached the stage of no return

 

[SteveOBHave]

Breaks my heart to see you guys going through these break ups and divorces. It's bloody rough but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I posted in 2017 about how I had gone through a divorce from the woman I was with for 10 years and then moved countries and found the best woman I know as my new wife:

The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Since then I now have two beautiful kids (Girl 3 and boy 6months), bought a house and am ultimately crazy happy (if a bit too fat haha)

Long story short - whatever is going on now is a drop in the big ocean of life - if you can maintain perspective, that this is just something going on now and you WILL get past it to see better things, then dealing with the crap is significantly easier.

One of the best tools I came across, not only in dealing with understanding where my old marriage went wrong but how I've ("we") made this one right is a book called "Hold Me Tight" by Dr Sue Johnson. One of the key things it teaches you is to recognise toxic arguments where you play the blame game and it spirals into shredding each other. It teaches you that no matter how angry or frustrated you are, that you love the other person and they love you and that recognising the toxic cycle lets you step back, calm down and address the issue absent of your pride getting in the way or feeling like the other person is out for a win. Even in this marriage it has helped a huge amount in the rocky times and I can't recommend it enough.

Some relationships aren't meant to be and it freaking hurts to the core. Just keep looking forward - if the other person wants to come with you then awesome, if not then know that you're worthwhile and will be to someone else (as long as you have the massive brass pair that's needed to get back into dating!).

 

[.Lethal]

I suppose the only positive that i feel at the moment is that currently it is all amicable

They always start off amicable. Give yourself some time to process your emotions before making long term decisions and be prepared from when disagreements arise, I assure you they will.

 

[SteveOBHave]

They always start off amicable. Give yourself some time to process your emotions before making long term decisions and be prepared from when disagreements arise, I assure you they will.

Aye - and do your damndest to be the bigger person in it.

 

[Nitefly]

is she about 30 years old cos I had similar twice, I think it's when some women have a mid life crisis and want to relive their youth or feel like they are missing out on clubbing.

I don't know what people think a marriage/long term relationship is, "the spark" is just an illusion for the foolish that wears thin fast

The spark is just the initial reason or reasons you got together, it takes a heck of a lot of work to keep a meaningful relationship going even if you look like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston well into your 40's.

People change and sometimes if you aren't willing to change along the way it just creates a rift. You know the obvious ones, like men who never chip in to do the housework because they're the breadwinner. Or never take their wife on dates as that's just something you do at the start and meals out are a waste of money when you've just spent 15 grand on a kitchen etc.

@Mark1989 if there are things that you keep running through your mind as in, I could have done more here or there. I would advise writing them down and discussing them with people you trust to see if it's a "you" issue or relatively normal behaviour. Yeah, every relationship is different but you'll get some pointers as to which habits are healthy or not.

I agree with the sentiment of these posts. We all crave feelings of intense intimacy and love, but a marriage is really a ‘partnership’ where you are just two people building your house of cards together on the belief that it’s better than doing otherwise.

I find that my intense feelings of romantic love are extremely fickle and looking back they have been all of my life. I’ll convince myself that I absolutely need someone (typically sexually) and then, poof, forgotten with no care nor allegiance.

My marriage is hard at times but it’s founded on a bedrock of non-bombastic, low rumbling love. It’s definitely been tested and questioned on numerous occasions, to the point where you lose sight of everything… and then you are just left with the starkness of choice as to whether you want to continue or not. In those times, the choice has always been “of course, yes”. And then there it is again, as if the emotional turbulence had fogged my vision. Then, those moments of overwhelming affection come at silly irrelevant times: when watering the plants, or fetching cups of tea.

I think variety in life is essential housekeeping for a good marriage. A variety of shared experiences and stuff you do without your partner. A variety of company (friends and family). It stops you getting tunnel vision and fixated on things.

 

[ci_newman]

I agree with the sentiment of these posts. We all crave feelings of intense intimacy and love, but a marriage is really a ‘partnership’ where you are just two people building your house of cards together on the belief that it’s better than doing otherwise.

I find that my intense feelings of romantic love are extremely fickle and looking back they have been all of my life. I’ll convince myself that I absolutely need someone (typically sexually) and then, poof, forgotten with no care nor allegiance.

My marriage is hard at times but it’s founded on a bedrock of non-bombastic, low rumbling love. It’s definitely been tested and questioned on numerous occasions, to the point where you lose sight of everything… and then you are just left with the starkness of choice as to whether you want to continue or not. In those times, the choice has always been “of course, yes”. And then there it is again, as if the emotional turbulence had fogged my vision. Then, those moments of overwhelming affection come at silly irrelevant times: when watering the plants, or fetching cups of tea.

I think variety in life is essential housekeeping for a good marriage. A variety of shared experiences and stuff you do without your partner. A variety of company (friends and family). It stops you getting tunnel vision and fixated on things.

In the case of Mark1989 though, it seems that they went too far the other way and never did activities together. You definitely need a balance.

 

[Ayahuasca]

It sounded pretty one-sided from Mark's reply in terms of him trying to make an effort but she had already checked out. The relationship sounds like it was quite dead for a while.

It's still important to self-reflect though as very rarely is it all one person's fault even if it were doomed no matter what he did.

As a minor positive, in your next relationship, you should be able to spot the signs a bit earlier.

 

[Gengar]

We're both 32, she believes I'm not the positive person I was at the start.

I'm also abit too stern with our son apparently, she feels I'm unhappy at times. My points to her is that over the years I felt she doesn't show enough effection, I mean that on all level not just sex

I felt she didn't try enough with us to do stuff as in weekends away just us etc. She again admits that. I mean our son is 5, not once have we had a weekend away since he was born, despite family offering to have him for weekend, I was always up for it she wasn't.

Also regarding us even a meal out she was meh to it, I'd have to do book it in secret, arrange child care and then we would go, she would always enjoy the evening so It always baffled me it was difficult to actually do it.

My other point was and hers we mostly did separate stuff in week, not hobbies outside but in house her routine most of time would put son to sleep and she would go to sleep, most suggestions on evening by me were met with I'm tired I just wanna chill.

So I'd end up watching a film on my own, TV show or play a game.

However if said let's put Netflix or film on it mostly had to be when she wanted, her chill was watch some ***** in bed and then fall asleep.

She said multiple times I'd suggest similar stuff too often however I pointed out times I've suggested different ideas and she hasn't wanted to then either.

Baffling thing is we would do days out all be it family days e.g. zoo with son, sea sides etc

There just wasn't enough of me and her doing various things together by the end.

There at times just wasn't an us looking back. She has reached the stage of no return

All so familiar - pretty much identical things I experienced. It is strange when you look back on it all which you will continue to do and gradually you will peel back a few layers and recognise a lot of the cumulative small signals you missed/dismissed as they were in isolation.
Some if it was your fault, but it takes 2 to tango and in these types of breakups, we need to share the blame, own it and ultimately move on. There is nothing to be gained in trying to make the other person take more of the blame.
It is soooo easy to fall into the above habits when kids come along. We did it. Two of my mates marriages went through similar - but survived the bad patch. We are in our thirties too BTW. Extremely common at this age and unfortunately does seem to be the female initiating it!

People do drift apart - when kids are involved it is a damn shame but it is not the doom and gloom that a lot of the online pro-marriage articles . But you know what, it is not the end of your family. Your family will just be spread across 2 different houses now.

It has been mentioned in some posts but what is amicable now will face challenges. Be ready for them and know when to let things fly and when take one for the team. You will have to learn a whole new level of negotiating skills.
Personally I find if anything gets my back up I don't respond immediately. I often now sleep on things and approach it the next day. It can be quite hard to see the big picture at times.

 

[Nitefly]

In the case of Mark1989 though, it seems that they went too far the other way and never did activities together. You definitely need a balance.

Yes, I agree.

One thing I did forget to mention is that it’s very easy to imagine the thrill of a new romance and then get frustrated when you don’t receive the same thrill in every day reality.

I think navigating those feelings, when they do arise, is to accept that you will have different parts of you pulling in different directions every now and then - but I acknowledge that parts of me are extremely fickle and I choose to give those parts of me a lower weighting than others.

Otherwise, I might as well be sat around by myself all day binging pizza, watching porn, drinking, drugs, gambling and anything else that will give me an immediate and compelling sense of happiness.

It’s not the responsibility of my wife to give me infinite satisfaction. I have to work for that myself and curb my demand for it.

There’s no right and wrong through and no consensus as to what makes something “good” or “worth it” other than your own perception. Being part of the perceived
“perfect married couple” you know may well bore you to tears, or they could each have the depth of a potato.

 

[arknor]

I think variety in life is essential housekeeping for a good marriage. A variety of shared experiences and stuff you do without your partner. A variety of company (friends and family). It stops you getting tunnel vision and fixated on things.

until your partner is one of those people who think family time is also partner time, and for them every evening are "needing to chill out alone watching stuff on the internet with headphones on whilst chatting on apps for hours until they can finally fall asleep"
whilst for you it's great the kids are in bed now we can spend some quality time together, ok okay then I'll just do something alone like game.(why am I in this relationship?

I seriously gave up on relationships at 40 not worth my time, you think you found the perfect person then a few years later it's like living with a lazy teenager

 

[Roar87]

The reason the guy didn't do "couple" things was because his wife didn't want to spend time with him, it wasn't that the relationship broke down because they didn't do those things, rather not doing those things was just a symptom of the relationship breaking down. The reason the relationship broke down was ultimately she wasn't attracted to him, and obviously isn't. Could be something has "changed" over the years, women also sometimes make things work with a guy because they want kids, then when they've got kids they just decide that it's not worth putting the effort in to make things work anymore because they've got their children now and that's all they really care about. The moral of this is to just protect yourself in a relationship, even if you think she's happy, make sure that if your partner decides to leave tomorrow you aren't going to have a break down and be distraught. And don't sit in some dead relationship with a woman who's having sex with you once every 3 months simply because you're scared to be alone, make yourself someone worth having.

 

[arknor]

make yourself someone worth having.

or be your self and be happy, treat women like a lot of others guys, fashion accessories that need changing often.

trying too make people happy doesn't work they can only find it themselves.

I think a lot of people are destined to be single because they have some weird tv fantasy relationship model in their head

 

[Nitefly]

I think there is caution that needs to be observed when it comes to the mantra of “be yourself”.

You obviously shouldn’t be deliberately and perpetually false in any friendship or relationship, but beyond that life is a bit shonky and grey. As I mentioned, parts of me want to be running off all over the place chasing whatever takes my imagination, completely at odds with my obligations (relationship or otherwise). “Being yourself” also potentially curbs personal growth if you are just entertaining childish behaviours.

But, pursuing compelling and fickle desires makes you feel connected and alive.

You’ve got to just let it soak in and soak away…. try to feel lightly and walk the path the best you can. No rights and wrongs.