The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Haggisman]

Its a horrible feeling knowing you're just "holding it together".
I've had a couple of emotional expression moments. I wouldn't call them break downs. But they are little explosions of bottled up. Wmotuons

Having a little cry whilst listening to angry shouty music played really loudly helps

As does being creative - I can happily spend a few hours making "music"* and feel pretty good for a few days



* I'm not very good at it, so calling it "music" is probably a bit of stretch, but still...

 

[sidimmu]

I know. I know at end of the day if we split I'd be OK, in fact I'd be great. But her? I feel sick thinking about it.

If she became medically better everything would be OK. This isn't good. Because... Life happens.

Its really made me self evaluate if I should be in a relationship. This isn't a self pity point. It's realistic. If you can't cope with someone at thier worst, and it can happen to anyone... Should you really be in a relationship?


I've always known I can't cope with kids. But feel. I am In that very situation. Looking after a dependant.


2023 terrifies me. If I'm honest. I have no idea where I'll be at year end. Where we will be. It's hard to be excited by anything or motivated. I know depression well and although I'm. OK at the moment (I can get myself up, go. To work, go kayaking) I very much feel the pull down growing.

I would not say depression is only active when you cant get to work etc, it has other forms and impacts on your life. Its good you have a hobby where you can separate and go off and work on yourself or a bit of fun for yourself.
You clearly love your partner still, but their medical situation has a great deal of stress on yourself and has impacted the relationship in a way where it clearly does not feel like a fulfilling relationship for yourself.
If you choose not to look after someone when they are at their worst, I wouldn't say you are not meant to be in a relationship, but a long term relationship with marriage potential, may not be for you.

From what he has posted, the partner is equally to blame though.

Yeah it might be a joint thing where they have grown apart, one of them might be okay with it and enjoys the comfy relationship without the hangups of acting like they are in a honeymoon phase still.
Who knows apart from the poster.

Oh I know, and yes saying it out loud (albeit on the internet) does help make it a bit more real.

But I can't do it before the interviews as I'll potentially end up jobless and/or in the hospital. I'm already 80% the way to a nervous breakdown, I need to be able to do things in a certain order to keep myself above the water.

Completely understand the need to look after yourself, but as someone who's been on the receiving end of what you are to deliver, a chat sooner would have been better and less harmful on to myself.
Maybe a relationship is not for you for a period of time, as you have to come first currently. Where as typically in relationships, you need to worry about the others well being too. I dont want to come across as an attack on you, thats not my intention but there is more people than just you involved right now.

For ref, I may be single and that but I cried my eyes out last night out of loneliness and unhappiness with how life and relationships have gone and where I am today (coupled with a broken boiler for past 9 days probably isnt helping)

 

[413x]

Angry shouty music played really loudly helps

As does being creative - I can happily spend a few hours making "music" and feel pretty good for a few days

I finding it hard to sit down doing anything at home. Processing pics, using 3d printer. It's just not occupying my mind.

Its gotten to point only escape is on my kayak or bike. A different environment, outdoors, intense sensory input. It's good to get out. It's bad I have to get out to feel happy.

 

[413x]

I would not say depression is only active when you cant get to work etc, it has other forms and impacts on your life. Its good you have a hobby where you can separate and go off and work on yourself or a bit of fun for yourself.
You clearly love your partner still, but their medical situation has a great deal of stress on yourself and has impacted the relationship in a way where it clearly does not feel like a fulfilling relationship for yourself.
If you choose not to look after someone when they are at their worst, I wouldn't say you are not meant to be in a relationship, but a long term relationship with marriage potential, may not be for you.

I have to agree. The thought of this being forever? I don't know if I have it in me.
It feels like giving up my life for another.

If it had an end (light at end of the tunnel) Id be OK. The hope and looking forward would be there.


But just the above, food for thought.


But yes. I agree with you. I'd have to accept that maybe long term relationships aren't for me. These thoughts have all. Gone through my head. Not pleasant thinking you were a "good" person, only to find that is very much not the case!

 

[sidimmu]

I finding it hard to sit down doing anything at home. Processing pics, using 3d printer. It's just not occupying my mind.

Its gotten to point only escape is on my kayak or bike. A different environment, outdoors, intense sensory input. It's good to get out. It's bad I have to get out to feel happy.

Please sit down with your partner and talk about you and your feelings, never know what works out or what could happen. But keeping this bottled up and away from the partner will not give them any indication that things are not working and need to change. Outside of the medical issues, sounds like they are looked after and cared for greatly by yourself.

I have to agree. The thought of this being forever? I don't know if I have it in me.
It feels like giving up my life for another.

If it had an end (light at end of the tunnel) Id be OK. The hope and looking forward would be there.


But just the above, food for thought.


But yes. I agree with you. I'd have to accept that maybe long term relationships aren't for me. These thoughts have all. Gone through my head. Not pleasant thinking you were a "good" person, only to find that is very much not the case!

I know my reply above seems harsh, but I would not say you are not a good person on you have clearly been there and done a lot of good things for your partner. You are a good person, but the stresses of life, relationship, expectations and general health have had a intense negative impact on your life and wellbeing too. I think its clear that one of you receives a ton of help and the other does not, so its not wonder you feel this way.
Who knows what the future holds, but I do not think you should not aim for relationships or marriage is not the way forward. Having such a medical condition thrusted in to the relationship and the impacts it has had on everyone, I suspect a lot of people would be in the same predicament as yourself.

 

[LuckyBenski]

I finding it hard to sit down doing anything at home. Processing pics, using 3d printer. It's just not occupying my mind.

Its gotten to point only escape is on my kayak or bike. A different environment, outdoors, intense sensory input. It's good to get out. It's bad I have to get out to feel happy.

I daresay this is related to the partner situation. For me I have a lot of parallels with you albeit my partner is a bit less severe. She doesn't get out much due to anxiety and depression, is generally not active and not motivated to clean or do housework, or plan and do activities. So it's just very much me taking care of a lot of the house running and being otherwise dissatisfied with home life. I wouldn't mind being homebodies if we spent time together but she hardly even joins me on the sofa for a movie. And we never go out anywhere, not even for a walk or a meal.

So as a result of this I'm pretty depressed at home, and then pretty happy any time I'm by myself or even better, out and about. It's concerning.

 

[413x]

Please sit down with your partner and talk about you and your feelings, never know what works out or what could happen. But keeping this bottled up and away from the partner will not give them any indication that things are not working and need to change. Outside of the medical issues, sounds like they are looked after and cared for greatly by yourself.

This is all out in the open. It's only recent it's fully come out. She said she probably couldn't cope with me like this if roles were reversed.

At moment we are just seeing how it goes. But it's difficult. I cannot begin to express how horrible this situation is. And much more for her. It's soul crushing.

I daresay this is related to the partner situation. For me I have a lot of parallels with you albeit my partner is a bit less severe. She doesn't get out much due to anxiety and depression, is generally not active and not motivated to clean or do housework, or plan and do activities. So it's just very much me taking care of a lot of the house running and being otherwise dissatisfied with home life. I wouldn't mind being homebodies if we spent time together but she hardly even joins me on the sofa for a movie. And we never go out anywhere, not even for a walk or a meal.

So as a result of this I'm pretty depressed at home, and then pretty happy any time I'm by myself or even better, out and about. It's concerning.

Yeah it's not great. When you acknowledge you are happier on your own. We can't even go for a meal at the moment as her arms are that bad.

 

[Scottland]

Completely understand the need to look after yourself, but as someone who's been on the receiving end of what you are to deliver, a chat sooner would have been better and less harmful on to myself.
Maybe a relationship is not for you for a period of time, as you have to come first currently. Where as typically in relationships, you need to worry about the others well being too. I dont want to come across as an attack on you, thats not my intention but there is more people than just you involved right now.

For ref, I may be single and that but I cried my eyes out last night out of loneliness and unhappiness with how life and relationships have gone and where I am today (coupled with a broken boiler for past 9 days probably isnt helping)

Understand where you're coming from. I've been chickening out of this for ages, always waiting for the next milestone (e.g. christmas) to pass and then do it. And yes, I agree it's going to make it harder on her, but it's really difficult! At least at the weekend we both won't have work to worry about so can sit down and talk if need be.

 

[sidimmu]

This is all out in the open. It's only recent it's fully come out. She said she probably couldn't cope with me like this if roles were reversed.

At moment we are just seeing how it goes. But it's difficult. I cannot begin to express how horrible this situation is. And much more for her. It's soul crushing.


Yeah it's not great. When you acknowledge you are happier on your own. We can't even go for a meal at the moment as her arms are that bad.

did alter a reply above regarding another one of your posts.
Understand and genuinely feel sorry for you and your partner for what must be a horrendous time and horrendous situation to deal with.
we'll always be here for you bud.

 

[Haggisman]

Please sit down with your partner and talk about you and your feelings, never know what works out or what could happen. But keeping this bottled up and away from the partner will not give them any indication that things are not working and need to change. Outside of the medical issues, sounds like they are looked after and cared for greatly by yourself.

I can kind of see why he wouldn't want to though. I feel like my partner has enough on her plate without having to deal with "my" issues.

I finding it hard to sit down doing anything at home. Processing pics, using 3d printer. It's just not occupying my mind.

Its gotten to point only escape is on my kayak or bike. A different environment, outdoors, intense sensory input. It's good to get out. It's bad I have to get out to feel happy.

Yeah, I definitely get that - would love to just take the tent and find a quiet spot in the mountains with a couple of beers and enjoy "nothingness" for a night

I guess I'm lucky that I can just sit in my office/man cave, fire up the synths and stick on my headphones to block everything out for a few hours.

It always comes down to the kids - being 100% honest, if we split up, I don't think she would cope with them full time, so I'd end up having to come running to save her. I'd basically end up in exactly the same situation, except for having to do it all split across 2 homes on half the budget.

 

[sidimmu]

Understand where you're coming from. I've been chickening out of this for ages, always waiting for the next milestone (e.g. christmas) to pass and then do it. And yes, I agree it's going to make it harder on her, but it's really difficult! At least at the weekend we both won't have work to worry about so can sit down and talk if need be.

respect and understand that.
I went through the same with my ex, she decided it was to wait until our anniversary was over, then her sisters wedding was over, to tell me she's moving out and in with a friend who I had cut off years ago for being a POS.
The length of time it was all going on only made it worse to me anyway. Knowing this had been on her mind and actively put off for 2 months whilst still sharing a bed, flat, life with me was beyond rage inducing.

I can kind of see why he wouldn't want to though. I feel like my partner has enough on her plate without having to deal with "my" issues.

oh 100% but when you are taking a consistent impact on your own health, when do you raise it?
Also, I am sorry but that is a relationship for us all, we have a partner who has their own issues, problems, concerns, wants, needs etc. Its not all about us and we should all be able to communicate these things with our partners to either decide its not working and to go our separate ways or to work on improving and solidifying the foundations further.

 

[Haggisman]

respect and understand that.
I went through the same with my ex, she decided it was to wait until our anniversary was over, then her sisters wedding was over, to tell me she's moving out and in with a friend who I had cut off years ago for being a POS.
The length of time it was all going on only made it worse to me anyway. Knowing this had been on her mind and actively put off for 2 months whilst still sharing a bed, flat, life with me was beyond rage inducing.

Been there... ex waited until I declared myself bankrupt supporting her after she "lost" her job, before telling my she'd met some in WoW and was moving to Ireland to live with him (she's a member on here, so **** you if you read this )

 

[sidimmu]

Been there... ex waited until I declared myself bankrupt supporting her after she "lost" her job, before telling my she'd met some in WoW and was moving to Ireland to live with him (she's a member on here, so **** you if you read this )

exactly that, its not fair on the other partner regardless of what happened/happens etc etc etc. its not fair and does more damage than good.

**** you, Haggisman's ex, get some morals.

 

[Haggisman]

oh 100% but when you are taking a consistent impact on your own health, when do you raise it?
Also, I am sorry but that is a relationship for us all, we have a partner who has their own issues, problems, concerns, wants, needs etc. Its not all about us and we should all be able to communicate these things with our partners to either decide its not working and to go our separate ways or to work on improving and solidifying the foundations further.

Yeah, I guess - it's just when she has depression, she's dealing with losing her dad, she's 100% focused on her job application, etc. When is the right time? I know I'm just making excuses...

 

[Roar87]

I would just like to say a lot of you would be much happier if you took the plunge and got out of your romantically dead relationships, you don't need to waste your lives with someone you have no romantic or sexual feelings for. There are plenty of people out there, also you're stopping your current partner from finding someone who actually wants to be with them by maintaining some dead relationship for years on end.

 

[nlel1975]

I’ve just got to accept that acting awkward around very pretty girls is normal and I shouldn’t feel ashamed or weird about it. All it means is that she’s just not interested and doesn’t hate me or think I’m weird.

She probably acts the same way around guys she’s interested in, if not I’m sure there’s plenty that do and not all of them are successful. If you remember Blind Date or Take Me Out how few couples actually hit it off.

 

[Roar87]

I’ve just got to accept that acting awkward around very pretty girls is normal and I shouldn’t feel ashamed or weird about it. All it means is that she’s just not interested and doesn’t hate me or think I’m weird.

She probably acts the same way around guys she’s interested in, if not I’m sure there’s plenty that do and not all of them are successful. If you remember Blind Date or Take Me Out how few couples actually hit it off.

What's the trouble you're having exactly, is it with one girl in particular or in general?

 

[nlel1975]

What's the trouble you're having exactly, is it with one girl in particular or in general?

Just one girl in particular, there’s been quite a few of them over the years.

 

[sidimmu]

I’ve just got to accept that acting awkward around very pretty girls is normal and I shouldn’t feel ashamed or weird about it. All it means is that she’s just not interested and doesn’t hate me or think I’m weird.

She probably acts the same way around guys she’s interested in, if not I’m sure there’s plenty that do and not all of them are successful. If you remember Blind Date or Take Me Out how few couples actually hit it off.

Who say's your acting awkward?
As far as I have seen, the only one who thinks anyone is being awkward is yourself.
A woman is not interested, is she just not interested? or if she not interested because you perceive yourself as being awkward? hint, its the first one.

Just one girl in particular, there’s been quite a few of them over the years.

move on from the one girl, shes not for you and you're not for her.

 

[LuckyBenski]

I’ve just got to accept that acting awkward around very pretty girls is normal and I shouldn’t feel ashamed or weird about it. All it means is that she’s just not interested and doesn’t hate me or think I’m weird.

She probably acts the same way around guys she’s interested in, if not I’m sure there’s plenty that do and not all of them are successful. If you remember Blind Date or Take Me Out how few couples actually hit it off.

You've touched on 2 good points here.

1) You may well be shy around someone you're interested in. It's very normal. Gets easier with practise and with learning to just sit well in your own skin, be yourself around (all) others, etc.

2) Even if you get lots of dates it doesn't mean you'll find someone you really click with immediately. This repeats from the "Do we want to have one date" to "Do we want a second date" to "Do we want to get serious" to "Can this last for life". It's a numbers game i.e. from 3.5 billion potential partners to a stream of interesting strangers, to a handful of first dates, a few fledgling relationships and if we're lucky, one or two really special people who impact our lives forever.

The answer to both is, numbers. Exposure. Just do it. Go talk to people, get used to striking up conversations, wear down the rough edges on talking to strangers or feeling awkward. It gets easier with time.

Interestingly @Vidar mentioned The Game earlier. There's a lot of questionable stuff in that book, or especially in the wider "pick up artist" scene/concept, but that book did impact me a lot. The biggest thing I took away from it, is whatever you want to achieve you have to just do it a lot. In that book there were people wanting to develop confidence with women and their "training" was just... Go do it. Say hello to five people today. It's the same with lots of non-romantic stuff too though. You just need to get out there.