Exactly but at the same time I shouldn’t beat myself up for being attracted to her. After all I do have mental health problems too.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Exactly but at the same time I shouldn’t beat myself up for being attracted to her. After all I do have mental health problems too.
What is even your point here?
You beating yourself up for feeling attractive to someone?
Maybe you should focus on your mental health before pursuing any form of female connection if your mental health is having such a large impact on your ability to communicate and function.
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Point is I get very negative and self loathing when there’s no need to be. Just need to keep it real.
apologies as I have edited my reply, felt a bit harsh.
Yes my mental health does strongly affect my ability to form normal relationships.
Focus on that and maintaining friendships first.
relationships will come at later date when you are comfortable as yourself.
Soldato
Good points. Basically, just put on an act, and force yourself to "pretend" to be confident. Eventually you realise you're no longer pretending, because you end up in whatever you call the opposite of a vicious cycle - you pretend to be confident, people respond positively, which builds your confidence, which brings more positive response, and repeat. Go into a bar wearing the loudest shirt possible - everyone will look at you, and you know what? Soak it up - that's why you're there. I promise you will feel like an absolute <round door opening device> at first, but it just takes that one positive response to make you feel good about yourself.
I'm simplifying a lot here, but this is basically what I did in my late teens after spending quite a few miserable years not going out, not having many friends, etc.
The best thing about this is it doesn't just help in your love-life, it will help in a lot of other things too - job interviews, joining clubs, making friends, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my own company, and I hate crowds of people, loud and busy bars etc., but I no longer feel awkward and out of place in them, I'd just rather be somewhere else.
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Soldato
Well put! I think this is a difference between now and my teens, I don't feel out of place, just not my preferred way to interact.but I no longer feel awkward and out of place in them, I'd just rather be somewhere else.
When I was 18 I was in a band and decided to quit drinking. Had to learn how to be the life of the party without any Dutch courage at all, just barge in and start meeting people! I can still pick that ability up sometimes, though I've shrunk back a bit due to preferences as mentioned.
WOW!If all else fails, just pretend to be fireman Sam.
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I think you never focus on one particular woman if you're single until you're actually dating them.
Thing is the guys are queuing up to date this woman, it’s not just me.
Yeah, every pretty girl has guys queueing up, the strategy here is that you join as many queues as possible until you get to the front of one of them.
And? Get over it.
Genuinely go and work on being your self, being happier with yourself and making/maintaining friendships first. Once all that is in place, you might find yourself fighting a woman off instead of chasing them.
Doesn’t bother me that they are, just affirms the fact that I’m not the only poor sucker who’s attracted to her and that it’s perfectly normal. No need to hate myself because she’s not interested, it’s not worth it or good for my mental health.
are you trolling now?
It clearly does bother you, as otherwise you would not of mentioned it as a comeback only a few replies ago.
Just affirms that there is single men out there that find women attractive? again whats the point as this is literally real and normal life.
No it doesn’t bother me she can date whoever and however many she likes, I’m just glad she doesn’t hate me or think I’m weird. It makes me feel better just knowing that.
but the amount of guys wanting to date her does bother you?
Honestly spell it out for me here as I cannot make head nor tail of what you are trying to get across here.
No it doesn’t, I know I’m not the only one and she can’t date everybody so most of us are in the reject bin. I’m perfectly fine with that.
But, you're clearly not fine with it. You need to be, but you're not. How old are you? I ask because at some point we've all been there. Fancying someone purely based on looks and how we build them up in our minds. Most of that happens in youth though.
I'll be honest, it was my early 30's, after getting out of relationship that almost killed me before I got really confident with women. In the roughly 4 years between that and meeting my missusI slept with or dated maybe 30 different women. Some where seriously hot, there was more than one fog beast and most of them where atleast initially attractive in ways other than just looks. I say this because I learned something.
The most beautiful women are often the most boring, neurotic or damaged. They can even be the most desperate such as a Nigerian girl I dated who started pressuring me to get her pregnant after a week of dating (turns out she already was with some other guys baby who dumped her for trapping him). Some of the least attractive women physically have been the best in bed or most fun to be around. They can also be just as psychotic.
Stop putting your internalisations on someone else! If I may recommend another book try 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson. I think it might help you.
I have to be psychologically otherwise it’s just a world of mental pain. She’s not the one for me and I’m not the one for her, I have to accept that even if I don’t want to. What helps is realizing that other grown men have crushes on her as well so I don’t feel like such a weirdo.
I’ve got previous experience of this sort of thing and have learned the hard way, she’s just not interested in me and that’s just the way it is, you can’t make someone like you if they don’t.
I don’t really care if she is dating someone or that loads of other men have a thing for her, I’m not the jealous or resentful type. If I’m honest she’s too pretty for me, looks do matter and you need to look right as a couple.
She’s too hot for me and it wouldn’t work as a relationship, I’ve had past crushes tell me this. Didn’t want to hear it but that’s the way it is. There is someone out there that would make me happy and forget these crushes but I need to work on my mental health first.
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