The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Joint account is pretty much empty. We sat and split everything and moved it to our own single accounts. There is enough to cover house bills in joint and we agreed to put £1800 each in per month until house is sorted and she is gone. Direct debits for personal items like phones and cars are being updated to our own accounts. We pay the set amount and keep the rest to ourselves. I even made her pay back £400 of personal spending from December she did on the joint account that normally I didn’t care about. Anything after the day she said she was done it wasn’t “our” money anymore so she can spend her own.

She is getting nothing more than she is entitled to from me now.
 
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ShadowMan said:
Joint account is pretty much empty. We sat and split everything and moved it to our own single accounts. There is enough to cover house bills in joint and we agreed to put £1800 each in per month until house is sorted and she is gone. Direct debits for personal items like phones and cars are being updated to our own accounts. We pay the set amount and keep the rest to ourselves. I even made her pay back £400 of personal spending from December she did on the joint account that normally I didn’t care about. Anything after the day she said she was done it wasn’t “our” money anymore so she can spend her own.

She is getting nothing more than she is entitled to from me now.
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I've not read properly through but your situation seems similar to mine a few years back. One thing learnt is nothing is final, regardless of what you have agreed and/or believe until it's confirmed by legal process. Regardless of what's led to the breakdown, nobody will be seen as 'at fault'. Where kids are involved and a jointly owned house it's not as simple as kicking somebody out. As a married couple I don't think the concept of 'personal spending' exists in the eyes of the law...
 
So after a few more days of back and forth I can’t see this going anyway but how I thought.

She got caught lying about the guy she was texting. Finally admitted it started 2 days after we split and it’s a guy from a website and not from work. She is still messaging him despite saying it stopped. I found out when my 14 year told me she wouldn’t allow a message to be read out on android auto which she normally does for all messages. Knowing she moved on that quick kills me more than anything. She says she has never met him and he is in Portsmouth (Forces dating site) but I can’t believe her now.

I have spoken to solicitors. Moving forward with plan. I’ll go for 50/50 on the kids until such a point as she can’t cope with it. She has no support to help them. She told me her dad was going to help 1 day per week so I went to see him and he hasn’t spoken to her.

I need to get away from her so I’m moving out next week until I buy the house. My brother has a spare room and it’s easy for me to go. She was going to rent a place but can’t afford it with the bills on this place too whilst keeping any quality of life for the kids. Solicitor says she can’t stop me coming back and I intend to buy it anyway.

Given her everything and she is evil. Even when I said I would move out she wasn’t thankful. It’s all about how I treated her and not how she treated me at all. So selfish I don’t know who she is anymore.

Guess as she found attention elsewhere, time for me to do the same.

Need to start sorting my health out. I’ve lost 30lbs of weight now in less than a month. I sleep about 3 hours per night and it’s 3:49 in the morning and I’m wide awake with a million thoughts in my head.
 
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Have you posted on MSE? And the solicitor advised it was ok to move out?

forums.moneysavingexpert.com

DIVORCE: Problems from having moved out of the jointly owned family home?

As the fights became unbearable, I moved out of the jointly owned family home 15 months ago, after twenty stormy years of marriage.
forums.moneysavingexpert.com forums.moneysavingexpert.com

I'm not saying moving out is wrong, but from what i've read it isn't recommended, post in MSE, there are some very knowledgeable people and also get some marital solicitor expert, link above has a recommendation.
 
As I’m not moving into a rental my housing needs aren’t met. I’m staying in a spare room and have nowhere for my kids. I have the right to enter the property when I want to as I’m named on the deeds and we are fully joint owners. I’m also keeping my key and will be back regularly to have the kids as she can’t have them 7/7 days with her job.

Based on our incomes (both over £60k) there is no likelihood that we couldn’t meet our own needs. She can’t claim she needs the house as she can’t afford one. Worst case I can force sale via court but she can’t afford to buy the house and I can. Her income isn’t high enough to buy out my share.

Solicitor said it was fine for either of us to move out temporary. I’ll also send a letter to her advising it’s only temporary whilst we resolve the issues and get things sorted.

As for the attention. Yeah it’s mad that is what she wanted. Random stranger who will probably disappear as soon as he’s had what he wants from her or finds out she has 2 kids. I doubt she has told them the truth.
 
Yes she should. Yes she would. The cost would cripple her and she wouldn’t be able to help me with the main house so I’d have little left. The ones who lose out the most would be the kids as there would be nothing but essentials. It’s temporary for now. Few months at most ideally whilst I start proceedings for a separation agreement to buy the house and then file the divorce. The separation agreement is more cost but means no 20 week cooling off period and lets us get financials and childcare sorted straight away.
 
ShadowMan said:
Yes she should. Yes she would. The cost would cripple her and she wouldn’t be able to help me with the main house so I’d have little left. The ones who lose out the most would be the kids as there would be nothing but essentials. It’s temporary for now. Few months at most ideally whilst I start proceedings for a separation agreement to buy the house and then file the divorce. The separation agreement is more cost but means no 20 week cooling off period and lets us get financials and childcare sorted straight away.
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Morning pal, it sounds like you've got yourself a cracking good solicitor. And, while the prospect of crashing in a spare bedroom might not be ideal it's far better than dealing with the ex's bull ****.

It's funny isn't it how they blame you for everything, even though they're the ones who've been unfaithful etc. Okay, even if she genuinely felt like she wasn't getting enough from you in some way, unless you were some sort of abusive nightmare her first step should have been talking to you her husband but, she didn't do that. She chose to go elsewhere.

And yes I highly doubt she started talking to someone only after she blew things up. Most people just don't work like that and all the sneaking around and lying about stuff speaks volumes. It might not feel like it now but you're better off without this trollop.
 
This situation rings so many bells. It's easier said than done, but you have to remove all emotion and consider the realities. The legal system won't apportion blame etc. They'll look at the situation and where kids are involved look simply to ensure they are protected. As far as I recall you'd not be able to force a sale until kids are past 18 years old. The legal system will ensure they have a place to live and housing needs are met.

Legal advice, whilst initially great for understanding where you stand - they don't guarantee an outcome. That's for a court to decide if it goes that far, and it it does it'll be expensive. Regardless of court descision the solicitors will get what they are owed.

Emotions are high, wait until things calm down and see if there's an agreement you can reach. I found that a couple of chats with a solicitor prepared me for a mediation process (this was the most useful bit and was a requirement regards a divorce).

We had similar financial situations, she wanted almost everything. Reached an agreement to split all 50/50 following sale of house and childcare 50/50. The childcare has worked out really well and a lot more practical than the weekend arrangements etc I see a lot of people in. We've now done the DIY divorce, no solicitors involved.

I found out she was cheating Dec 2018...
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ShadowMan said:
Yes she should. Yes she would. The cost would cripple her and she wouldn’t be able to help me with the main house so I’d have little left. The ones who lose out the most would be the kids as there would be nothing but essentials. It’s temporary for now. Few months at most ideally whilst I start proceedings for a separation agreement to buy the house and then file the divorce. The separation agreement is more cost but means no 20 week cooling off period and lets us get financials and childcare sorted straight away.
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You just need to be careful that you don't end up worse off/caught out, it's worth seeking the opinion of more than one person.
 
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I will do. The plan is to carry out “nesting”. I won’t leave 100% of the time. I expect her to leave a few days a week minimum. I can then spend time with my boys at the house. This keeps disruption for them to a minimum and also keeps me in the house a bit proving it’s temporary.

If she ever doesn’t leave when I want time with them then she will find me moved back in same day and back in the main bedroom next to her unless she leaves. I won’t be taken for a fool. The day she brings a new guy back to my house that I am buying her out of all bets are off too. I will burn money through solicitors to get what I want if needed. I want to be fair for the kids. I will not be lied to and taken advantage of anymore.
 
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ShadowMan said:
I will do. The plan is to carry out “nesting”. I won’t leave 100% of the time. I expect her to leave a few days a week minimum. I can then spend time with my boys at the house. This keeps disruption for them to a minimum and also keeps me in the house a bit proving it’s temporary.

If she ever doesn’t leave when I want time with them then she will find me moved back in same day and back in the main bedroom next to her unless she leaves. I won’t be taken for a fool. The day she brings a new guy back to my house that I am buying her out of all bets are off too. I will burn money through solicitors to get what I want if needed. I want to be fair for the kids. I will not be lied to and taken advantage of anymore.
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I'll say it again, you've got exactly the right attitude and approach to this awful situation. You go build your dream life for you and your kids, the ex will regret it long before then.
 
I have heard it and loads of people told me the same. The core point is that I’m moving out on a rota basically. Doing our week on week off and keeping the kids still until it’s sorted. I haven’t “moved out”. I am staying elsewhere during her time with the kids. I haven’t rented or bought another place. Legally my housing needs aren’t met and I’m still a 50% owner of the house.

If she plays silly buggers she will lose. I have enough to have a good go at taking the kids and that is her biggest worry. I haven’t threatened it yet. But I will if needed. In one conversation when I was angry she even said she would rather stay with me than lose the kids if I was going to take them.

I couldn’t do it to her. But no matter how many times I say it she doesn’t believe me. I can use that if needed.
 
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ShadowMan said:
I have heard it and loads of people told me the same. The core point is that I’m moving out on a rota basically. Doing our week on week off and keeping the kids still until it’s sorted. I haven’t “moved out”. I am staying elsewhere during her time with the kids. I haven’t rented or bought another place. Legally my housing needs aren’t met and I’m still a 50% owner of the house.

If she plays silly buggers she will lose. I have enough to have a good go at taking the kids and that is her biggest worry. I haven’t threatened it yet. But I will if needed. In one conversation when I was angry she even said she would rather stay with me than lose the kids if I was going to take them.

I couldn’t do it to her. But no matter how many times I say it she doesn’t believe me. I can use that if needed.
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There's a reason she doesn't believe you, because she knows she would do it and can't understand why anyone wouldn't.
 
I'm not sure on what basis you believe you can "take the kids", but that's a matter only the courts can decide and unlikely unless she's a risk to their safety. Best bet for all is an amicable solution, regardless of who did what
 
I probably can’t. The reality is that for the last 5 years 95% of childcare has been by me and my family. She works 60 hour weeks and regularly has to go in late nights, overnights and weekends with no notice. I have a hybrid 3 day wfh role that is 9-5 and no weekends. My parents have done all schools runs for my eldest for 10 years and my youngest for 5 years. They even do doctors and dentist appointments for us if we can’t make it. They will continue to do so for me but not her as she has said she wants nothing to do with them. She has no family or friends that can support her or cover childcare during working hours never mind the emergencies and call outs and last minute weekends.

Looked at objectively, for stability and for the least deviation form the norm, I would be more suitable for placement. But as you said, only courts would decide it based on evidence presented.
 
ShadowMan said:
I probably can’t. The reality is that for the last 5 years 95% of childcare has been by me and my family. She works 60 hour weeks and regularly has to go in late nights, overnights and weekends with no notice. I have a hybrid 3 day wfh role that is 9-5 and no weekends. My parents have done all schools runs for my eldest for 10 years and my youngest for 5 years. They even do doctors and dentist appointments for us if we can’t make it. They will continue to do so for me but not her as she has said she wants nothing to do with them. She has no family or friends that can support her or cover childcare during working hours never mind the emergencies and call outs and last minute weekends.

Looked at objectively, for stability and for the least deviation form the norm, I would be more suitable for placement. But as you said, only courts would decide it based on evidence presented.
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It just sounds like she's wrecking her life. Have to hope there's minimal impact on the kids really, that's what matters :(
 
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