The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[413x]

General breakup tip that's definitely relevant here: do not look at their social media! It will really undermine your progress and make you feel crap, plus giving you worry material like you say.

This is very important whilst the feelings are still there.

Every thing you see that looks like she's happier will dig at you.

From your situation I doubt you can block her. But you can unfollow so you don't get stuff pushed to you.

Then you just have to have willpower. It'll be hard and you'll probably look at times. But it really helps to disconnect as much as circumstances will allow.

Granted.. With kids you can't fully.

 

[413x]

It's nice to think that way, but you need to be prepared for the scenario where it doesn't play out like that.

Divorce with children involved doesn't always follow the most logical path.

I've heard a couple of horror stories where nothing on paper matters when kids are involved.

Doesn't matter if someone did the dirty, who put more into the house etc. It's all about the kids.

And unfortunately it seems (from Anecdotal perspective) all being equal the woman comes Out in front.

This is what friends have told me. One was woman one was man. I'm not 100pc sure it's true as both times I only heard one side of it.

 

[gavinh87]

She needs to get her cheating lying ass to a solicitors to have all this **** explained to her in plain English by a professional. Personally I wouldn't give her any concessions because the moment I did was the moment the courts started forcing me to forever do all the leg work regarding seeing the kids. There was no meeting in the middle etc it was me dragging myself 2hrs each way via buses when there was no reason she couldn't other than spite.

You also don't want to give her to much time alone with them as if she's anything like mine then she'll start trying to brain wash them and make you out to be the *******! Unfortunately after more than a decade she managed to completely turn my son against me so he refuses to see me or talk to me ( he has adhd, autism and is identified as vulnerable to manipulation) and tried the same with my daughter and when that didn't work they both started physical and emotionally abusing her so that while she lives with me now she's dealing with a lot of trauma and mental health difficulties. Yes my situation is probably on the more extreme end of things but I wouldn't take the chance.

Its like they all read from the same book.
The similarities I see here with my own are uncanny.

 

[gavinh87]

I've heard a couple of horror stories where nothing on paper matters when kids are involved.

Doesn't matter if someone did the dirty, who put more into the house etc. It's all about the kids.

And unfortunately it seems (from Anecdotal perspective) all being equal the woman comes Out in front.

This is what friends have told me. One was woman one was man. I'm not 100pc sure it's true as both times I only heard one side of it.

My ex didn't work. Well not for 13 years until she did part time when we broke up.
She got the house, the 2 cars, the entire contents of the house.

Its extremely geared against men the majority of the time. Its like we need everything written down and agreed before a breakup occurs otherwise we have very little say.

 

[ShadowMan]

Well it’s one for the solicitors to argue. She says she doesn’t want to take more than she is entitled to. I’m fine with 50/50 across the board. See where we end up. It’s not something I can worry about really as will be outside my control with no prenup etc.

Money and house can be replaced. I earn well enough I can build myself up again if needed. I’m only 40 so plenty of time.

 

[Vidar]

Its like they all read from the same book.
The similarities I see here with my own are uncanny.

Sorry to hear you've been through this as well.

My ex didn't work. Well not for 13 years until she did part time when we broke up.
She got the house, the 2 cars, the entire contents of the house.

Its extremely geared against men the majority of the time. Its like we need everything written down and agreed before a breakup occurs otherwise we have very little say.

To be fair my ex did get away with a lot of crap for going on a decade in the courts, failing to turn up, wasting the courts time and caught lying to police, social services and the schools and got away with it all. I got the book thrown at me for the slightest thing. It took almost a decade to get anyone to listen to me.

 

[413x]

My ex didn't work. Well not for 13 years until she did part time when we broke up.
She got the house, the 2 cars, the entire contents of the house.

Its extremely geared against men the majority of the time. Its like we need everything written down and agreed before a breakup occurs otherwise we have very little say.

Jesus. That's grim. Break ups are hard enough.. But that is brutal.

 

[ShadowMan]

It funny just how illogical their brains are at time. Finally start getting through to her the impact of this whole situation and how it will affect the kids. The fact she didn’t communicate and is blowing up the family. She actually starts to feel bad a bit and is a bit more open. Goes upstairs for an hour or so to have a lie down (and message her friends) and when she comes back it’s all my fault again and wasn’t worth fixing before. It’s so sad she is so easily influenced by her friends and is going to **** up the kids lives.

Staying calm and keeping to plan. If she won’t listen I can’t help so good luck to her.

 

[willhub]

Does anyone else feel like they get p***** off with their other half because of feeling like they're constantly doing stuff around the house like forever mountain of washing, cleaning etc.. but both parties involved feel the same?

 

[ShadowMan]

Pretty much. One of my soon to be ex wife’s complaints and reasons for ending it was I didn’t do enough. Despite doing every load of washing and dishwasher etc. I didn’t hoover much but did clean the kitchen daily when doing dishwasher. As an experiment I left it all for 3 days last week to see what she would do. Nothing was the answer. I had 7 loads of washing to do yesterday and had to blitz the house. Literally took 8 cups off her side table by her bed and some had mold in. Like living with a student but all my fault apparently.

 

[ci_newman]

Pretty much. One of my soon to be ex wife’s complaints and reasons for ending it was I didn’t do enough. Despite doing every load of washing and dishwasher etc. I didn’t hoover much but did clean the kitchen daily when doing dishwasher. As an experiment I left it all for 3 days last week to see what she would do. Nothing was the answer. I had 7 loads of washing to do yesterday and had to blitz the house. Literally took 8 cups off her side table by her bed and some had mold in. Like living with a student but all my fault apparently.

She'll get a rude awakening when you're out of the house for a week then.

I would start separating her laundry etc from yours and the kids. See how far that gets her... Don't clean up after her either

 

[dlockers]

Does anyone else feel like they get p***** off with their other half because of feeling like they're constantly doing stuff around the house like forever mountain of washing, cleaning etc.. but both parties involved feel the same?

I imagine both individuals behave and feel the same over the fulness of time - they will allow the other person to do it until it gets out of hand, then they have a burst of doing it. They get sick of constantly doing it so leave it till it explodes; cycle repeats. I think for the most part it balances out........I guess when it doesn't over a long period of time is when intervention is required.

 

[Vidar]

Pretty much. One of my soon to be ex wife’s complaints and reasons for ending it was I didn’t do enough. Despite doing every load of washing and dishwasher etc. I didn’t hoover much but did clean the kitchen daily when doing dishwasher. As an experiment I left it all for 3 days last week to see what she would do. Nothing was the answer. I had 7 loads of washing to do yesterday and had to blitz the house. Literally took 8 cups off her side table by her bed and some had mold in. Like living with a student but all my fault apparently.

Of course it's all your fault, you're the enemy, you're the deadbeat husband and just some typical man.... blah blah blah, girl power, you go girl, divorce party, you don't need no man etc etc! It's all a load of nonsense but you've got to remember it's her echo chamber and she's been justifying to these friends the reasons why she's blown up her life.

At the end of the day mate you can't make crazy see reason! I know this is all new to you, but you need to stop trying to fix things and realise she's chosen to not be your wife anymore. The woman you loved, isn't just gone. She was never real in the first place.

The experiments is a pretty common thing and something I did as well. Like with the relationship counselling forms. It also doesn't matter what you do for them, when they've checked out it just doesn't matter anymore. When I was with my ex and able bodied there was a point where my day consisted of getting up an hour earlier than everyone to sort breakfasts etc, getting her morning coffee out etc getting the kids ready for nursery, making sure her student nurse uniform was ready. Getting everyone up, doing breakfast dishes, laundry and kids washed and dressed and.making her lunch. Taking kids to nursery going to college myself, coming home on lunch to do more laundry, going back, leaving early to pick kids up. Sorting them out, putting to bed etc having her dinner ready, running a bath and having a coffee waiting for her as she came through the door. Doing my assignments and then hers cause she was too tired and getting a pass I might add on a degree level.subject I wasn't studying... this went on for months before she forced me to quit my course because I wasn't doing enough round the house.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Does anyone else feel like they get p***** off with their other half because of feeling like they're constantly doing stuff around the house like forever mountain of washing, cleaning etc.. but both parties involved feel the same?

Welcome to long-term relationships/marriage lol.

It shouldn't be a competition to see who feels they do the most, and yes, doing hours of housework is mundane, but that's adult life. It should be fairly evenly split unless there's a significant difference in working hours. If one person is taking the **** then communicate this as early as possible rather than letting it fester.

I still know men who do **** all around the house even though their wives/partners work similar hours. All I can say is good luck to them, as they must be with an absolute doormat if it doesn't eventually come to a head.

 

[413x]

Does anyone else feel like they get p***** off with their other half because of feeling like they're constantly doing stuff around the house like forever mountain of washing, cleaning etc.. but both parties involved feel the same?

Yes. Me and the gf talk about this.
We've made conscious effort to try and talk about stuff vs bottling it up. Because we are both guilty of it.

We are currently. Trying to implement "nothing left out" before weekend. And if it is we can call each other out on it. We are both naturally messy so it is difficult

 

[413x]

It funny just how illogical their brains are at time. Finally start getting through to her the impact of this whole situation and how it will affect the kids. The fact she didn’t communicate and is blowing up the family. She actually starts to feel bad a bit and is a bit more open. Goes upstairs for an hour or so to have a lie down (and message her friends) and when she comes back it’s all my fault again and wasn’t worth fixing before. It’s so sad she is so easily influenced by her friends and is going to **** up the kids lives.

Staying calm and keeping to plan. If she won’t listen I can’t help so good luck to her.

It can't be fixed unfortunately. Her mind is made up. Especially so if it's all out in public.

Even if the other party did think they made a mistake they'd have to admit it to everyone. It's quite embarrassing.

Not saying shouldn't try to fix it. But to even consider it I'd (personally) want the other party to come to me. I certainly wouldn't be chasing.

 

[ShadowMan]

Honestly believe that is where we are now. Up to her. Counselling tomorrow for me on a solo session. Will await to see if she actually files or not. If she does then will go with the process. For now its me and the kids and getting time with them. Arranging to go bowling whilst she away on work in India and get some decent time in with them for a whole week.

 

[ShadowMan]

So after counselling I have decided to remove myself from the situation and focus on myself and give her the space she wanted so we stop arguing and hurting the kids.

As she is so adamant she won’t leave I took the tough decision to leave on a temporary basis (with approval from solicitor) to live at my brothers. 1 night this week. 1 next week and then from Feb will be out full time.

I will remain there until I buy the house. I’ll see the kids 2 or 3 nights per week and at least every other weekend. No overnights though as no room. It is far from ideal and a bit of a risk but I can’t put the kids through what was going on. It was affecting me and then too much.

She is an awful selfish person putting the family through this. But I can’t change her and have to be the bigger person for the kids.

Solicitors applying for a separation agreement so I can buy house and we formalise child arrangements. She agreed to not go for my pension if we go this route so taking that if she lives up to it. Hopefully push this through in weeks or a few months. No cool down like a divorce (which will come later).

I miss my kids already but it’s short term it help me and them. It’s temporary move only but one I had to do.

 

[Roar87]

She is an awful selfish person putting the family through this. But I can’t change her and have to be the bigger person for the kids.

I think you need to let go of this type of thinking personally, she was obviously unhappy in your relationship for whatever reason, whether you feel that's fair or not isn't really relevant - would you prefer her to just stay with you and have a partner that doesn't really want to be with you and is just staying for the sake of the kids? Wouldn't you prefer to find someone that actually does want to be with you? She's given you the opportunity to do that rather than her staying with you and both of you being resentful/miserable/unhappy and wasting potentially years of your lives.

 

[ShadowMan]

She isn’t awful for wanting to leave. She is awful for not talking about problems when they happen and then letting them grow into a major issue. She is awful for not communicating when it mattered. She is awful for not compromising so I can see my children and moving out and leaving me to sacrifice everything. I don’t mind she is done. Everyone has a right to move on. It’s how she has done it that makes me angry.