The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

My guy, you have every right to feel the way you do! It's utterly messed up how women like her do stuff like this and put it all on the blokes shoulders. You're then forced to leave, not see your kids every day etc etc It's an absolute travesty! You've just had your entire life ripped apart and are grieving, only the now ex wife didn't die she just showed you who she really is.

While you know deep down you know you're better off without this person it still bloody hurts! And it will take a lot of time to process and get over. But, here's the thing, us men are resilient buggers and can get used to pretty much anything life throws at us. It won't feel like it now, but speaking from experience not seeing your kids every day becomes the new normal and is okay. It doesn't make you a bad Dad.
 
Feeling absolute rubbish tonight.

Walked to the pub with my two dogs and having a few drinks.

I won't go into detail here. But I want to express some emotion to someone. Even if it is Internet people.
 
you would be surprised how much opening up helps.

I changed tac tonight. After more convos with the solicitor I took moving out off the table. It has some risk that I didn’t want. Not massive but it’s there. He did approve the move but that small risk was too much for me.

Told her that basically our only option is nesting so we share the house with one of us having it every other week. She has nowhere to go but told her she needs to find a way. I will be here as many days as she is. It’s not my fault I have family with spare rooms and she has nothing.

Progressing to full divorce as I guessed right. She has no interest in fixing anything. She can’t get past the last few weeks and the stress apparently. Zero consideration of what I have gone through. All about her. I’m done with worrying about her. She hasn’t worried about me at all.

Mortgage appointment on Monday. Will find out about buying her out. Told her I won’t give her a penny until divorce is final though. She can wait 6 months to start her new life. She thought she would be in her new house by April. Said good luck and more like August of beyond. If I can’t get the mortgage I won’t even advertise the house til divorce is done or nearly done. I am buying time to pay mortgage and car down. Time for reality to bite her.

I refuse to play by her rules now. My turn to control the situation.

As this gets messy I’ll start to play hardball if needed. She wants her new life. She can earn it and she isn’t taking me down to get it.
 
topgun06 said:
Feeling absolute rubbish tonight.

Walked to the pub with my two dogs and having a few drinks.

I won't go into detail here. But I want to express some emotion to someone. Even if it is Internet people.
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From experience, if you are feeling a bit **** you wanna lay off the alcohol. That just makes it worse.

But yes try talking about it.
 
Today I'm rather struggling, nothing has really changed but I saw my counsellor the other day and it stirred up a lot of emotion and left me feeling low. I miss my ex and would love to still be togther with her but I know that's not going to happen and that hurts. I know that in time I'll feel better but some days it's hard to keep focused on that.

I've been doing positive stuff though, I've managed to make a start on eating a bit better having swung between not wanting to eat and comfort eating for the last few weeks. I've also signed up to MeetUp and been out to a couple of events (a walk and a pub quiz) to try to get out and keep busy and to meet new people; which I know is good even if I can't quite shake the feeling that it's a pretty sad reflection on me as a person that I have basically no friends (I have a couple of people I can talk to but I have no one to hang out with) and that at nearly 45 I'm trying to make friends through an app.
 
valve90210 said:
Today I'm rather struggling, nothing has really changed but I saw my counsellor the other day and it stirred up a lot of emotion and left me feeling low. I miss my ex and would love to still be togther with her but I know that's not going to happen and that hurts. I know that in time I'll feel better but some days it's hard to keep focused on that.

I've been doing positive stuff though, I've managed to make a start on eating a bit better having swung between not wanting to eat and comfort eating for the last few weeks. I've also signed up to MeetUp and been out to a couple of events (a walk and a pub quiz) to try to get out and keep busy and to meet new people; which I know is good even if I can't quite shake the feeling that it's a pretty sad reflection on me as a person that I have basically no friends (I have a couple of people I can talk to but I have no one to hang out with) and that at nearly 45 I'm trying to make friends through an app.
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Meetup is great. What part of the country are you in?
 
I'm in Kent, there's a few groups knocking about and I'm signed up for a couple more events in the coming week or two. Hoping to find a few people that I get on well with, most of the people I've met so far have been a bit older which is fine but I would quite like some friends of a similar age ideally.
 
valve90210 said:
I'm in Kent, there's a few groups knocking about and I'm signed up for a couple more events in the coming week or two. Hoping to find a few people that I get on well with, most of the people I've met so far have been a bit older which is fine but I would quite like some friends of a similar age ideally.
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Its a great resource.
Met all my current friends and gf from there.
App is a bit archaic. But it's hard to meet people when you're older!

Stick with it!
 
valve90210 said:
I've been doing positive stuff though, I've managed to make a start on eating a bit better having swung between not wanting to eat and comfort eating for the last few weeks. I've also signed up to MeetUp and been out to a couple of events (a walk and a pub quiz) to try to get out and keep busy and to meet new people; which I know is good even if I can't quite shake the feeling that it's a pretty sad reflection on me as a person that I have basically no friends (I have a couple of people I can talk to but I have no one to hang out with) and that at nearly 45 I'm trying to make friends through an app.
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I think many men are in a very similar position. As you develop a career and family, and your mates do the same, the circle of friends you had when you were younger naturally grows less. Eventually I found that when I separated from my ex wife after 27 years I'd effectively been isolated and the friendship circle was based around mainly her interests and friend group. There were other reasons for that as well but that was how it ended.

I found myself only being in contact with people around work where I didn't really want to share too much anyway. It was good to get out and about and meet new people and begin to develop new networks. You'll almost certainly come out the other end a stronger and better person.
 
dod said:
I think many men are in a very similar position. As you develop a career and family, and your mates do the same, the circle of friends you had when you were younger naturally grows less. Eventually I found that when I separated from my ex wife after 27 years I'd effectively been isolated and the friendship circle was based around mainly her interests and friend group. There were other reasons for that as well but that was how it ended.

I found myself only being in contact with people around work where I didn't really want to share too much anyway. It was good to get out and about and meet new people and begin to develop new networks. You'll almost certainly come out the other end a stronger and better person.
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Throughout my life, I've never had many friends and they've never stuck around very long, I have no friends from school, secondary school, uni or even my twenties, I've always been quite disposable as a friend it turns out, even though I would (and did) do anything I could for them.

When my relationship with my son's mum broke up 10 years ago that's where I was left, even the friends I had brought to the circle ended up staying friends with her and didn't give a damn about me, so I cut myself off from them. Over the years I did a lot of work on myself and rebuilt my life, I took up dancing and met some great people and made some friends and was doing well. I even started studying to retrain into a completely different field of work. Then lockdown hit and the dancing stopped. My friends (who were all a bit younger than me anyway) got on with their building their own lives and I managed to find someone really special and began making my life with her. Roll on three years, those friends are loved up, got young kids, moved in with partners etc and now my life has fallen apart again, I've not really got anyone besides a couple of those friends who are supportive but also super busy with their own lives so now I feel really alone.

I'm proud that I have already begun trying to rebuild myself and my life, when my relationship ended 10 years ago, it took me a long time to begin to try to do so, and I know I'm doing the right things (my eating could be a lot better but that will come when I feel better) but at the moment it feels really like the problem is me and I have the sense that even if I do manage to make some friends and even in time find a new gf, it'll all just fall apart again in time because of who I am; and that is really depressing.
 
valve90210 said:
Throughout my life, I've never had many friends and they've never stuck around very long, I have no friends from school, secondary school, uni or even my twenties, I've always been quite disposable as a friend it turns out, even though I would (and did) do anything I could for them.

When my relationship with my son's mum broke up 10 years ago that's where I was left, even the friends I had brought to the circle ended up staying friends with her and didn't give a damn about me, so I cut myself off from them. Over the years I did a lot of work on myself and rebuilt my life, I took up dancing and met some great people and made some friends and was doing well. I even started studying to retrain into a completely different field of work. Then lockdown hit and the dancing stopped. My friends (who were all a bit younger than me anyway) got on with their building their own lives and I managed to find someone really special and began making my life with her. Roll on three years, those friends are loved up, got young kids, moved in with partners etc and now my life has fallen apart again, I've not really got anyone besides a couple of those friends who are supportive but also super busy with their own lives so now I feel really alone.

I'm proud that I have already begun trying to rebuild myself and my life, when my relationship ended 10 years ago, it took me a long time to begin to try to do so, and I know I'm doing the right things (my eating could be a lot better but that will come when I feel better) but at the moment it feels really like the problem is me and I have the sense that even if I do manage to make some friends and even in time find a new gf, it'll all just fall apart again in time because of who I am; and that is really depressing.
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It helped me massively a few years ago to realise that friendships change, ebb and flow and that's actually okay. Life changes, people change and so friendships change too.

Those people in your history were your friends and they enjoyed your company, but the world moves on. You'll find new friends for this new phase of your life - it's not a reflection on whether you are a good or a bad person, it's just a reflection of change.

You're on the good path, stick to it :)

(Also I hate you for ruining my diet with Jelly Beans ;) )
 
ci_newman said:
It helped me massively a few years ago to realise that friendships change, ebb and flow and that's actually okay. Life changes, people change and so friendships change too.

Those people in your history were your friends and they enjoyed your company, but the world moves on. You'll find new friends for this new phase of your life - it's not a reflection on whether you are a good or a bad person, it's just a reflection of change.

You're on the good path, stick to it :)

(Also I hate you for ruining my diet with Jelly Beans ;) )
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Don't you just love it how we're all brainwashed to think we should be having all these BFF's etc because of the crap we see on TV or in movies?

Life just doesn't typically work like that, in my experience most friends are in your life for a reason, whether that be because of school or work etc or maybe you go to a certain night club regularly. I've had lots of friends I've been extremely fond of and close too. But, when I've left the job etc most relationships just fade away and and I've had friends where we've literally had to rely on one another to stay alive on some very rough doors etc. Out of all these countless people I've got one friend I've known for 20 years who I see once every month or so who I met at a random house party. But that's it, I have other friends but most are from online who I'll likely never meet in person and that's fine I don't take that personally.

@valve90210 I'm sorry you feel alone pal, feel free to pop me a message if you ever need a chat!
 
Well another long weekend but kept my cool. Friend had a wedding which was a distraction. All happy couples and solo me but made it. Kept off the booze which helped.

Decided I needed retail therapy a bit too. For 15 years I’ve never been bothered by clothes and usually the wife would just buy me stuff. So yesterday between wedding and reception went shopping for myself and bought most of a new wardrobe. Didn’t set a limit and just bought what I wanted. It was expensive but an investment in myself. Will keep adding to it too. Kids even commented I look like a new me. Wife made a comment too as a compliment but ignored it.

Have a plan for her to get out of the house. Counting down the days now and won’t be spending time with her. Almost looking forward to it. Will miss her but it’s for the best and I can sort my head out. Can now look at the future and see where I end up.

Running gear arrives Thursday or Friday. AirPods coming tomorrow. Will be able to get out the house and just be myself. Starting up golf again on Saturday too so will be good to get out. Had nearly 6 weeks off so missing it a bit despite the weather.
 
ShadowMan said:
Well another long weekend but kept my cool. Friend had a wedding which was a distraction. All happy couples and solo me but made it. Kept off the booze which helped.

Decided I needed retail therapy a bit too. For 15 years I’ve never been bothered by clothes and usually the wife would just buy me stuff. So yesterday between wedding and reception went shopping for myself and bought most of a new wardrobe. Didn’t set a limit and just bought what I wanted. It was expensive but an investment in myself. Will keep adding to it too. Kids even commented I look like a new me. Wife made a comment too as a compliment but ignored it.

Have a plan for her to get out of the house. Counting down the days now and won’t be spending time with her. Almost looking forward to it. Will miss her but it’s for the best and I can sort my head out. Can now look at the future and see where I end up.

Running gear arrives Thursday or Friday. AirPods coming tomorrow. Will be able to get out the house and just be myself. Starting up golf again on Saturday too so will be good to get out. Had nearly 6 weeks off so missing it a bit despite the weather.
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This was how I got myself out of the hole.
But it took me a good 6 months or so feeling sorry for myself.

Top man, your handling it like a champ.
 
Thanks. It doesn’t feel like I am. I know I am a mess but I have decided logically I can’t do anything else. She needs to figure herself out. No idea who she is now. We can talk about the kids and make a plan. I give a little to keep the peace but end of the day I’ll focus on me and them.

I spend most days talking to friends or family about it for at least a couple of hours. Helps keep me level. I’m not looking forward to days without my kids but it’s going to be the future so need to adapt.

I look forward to financial freedom too. Looking back I see how much she spent from our joint account. In the short term with her plan she is pushing herself to the limit financially by renting a place to get away. I have a spare room with family. She will have a couple of hundred quid a month spare tops. I’ll be closer to 2k so my kids will enjoy their time with me. I’ll save a bunch and get to enjoy my free time too.
 
Vidar said:
Don't you just love it how we're all brainwashed to think we should be having all these BFF's etc because of the crap we see on TV or in movies?

Life just doesn't typically work like that, in my experience most friends are in your life for a reason, whether that be because of school or work etc or maybe you go to a certain night club regularly. I've had lots of friends I've been extremely fond of and close too. But, when I've left the job etc most relationships just fade away and and I've had friends where we've literally had to rely on one another to stay alive on some very rough doors etc. Out of all these countless people I've got one friend I've known for 20 years who I see once every month or so who I met at a random house party. But that's it, I have other friends but most are from online who I'll likely never meet in person and that's fine I don't take that personally.

@valve90210 I'm sorry you feel alone pal, feel free to pop me a message if you ever need a chat!
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That’s an important message. I’ve tried really hard to maintain some friends and it just hasn’t worked out. For a long time I took it personally but I’m trying to recognise more that it’s because we both have our own stuff going on and you naturally focus on what’s in front of you.

Outside of immediate family I don’t have anyone either but it doesn’t seem unusual, for better or for worse.
 
One More Solo said:
That’s an important message. I’ve tried really hard to maintain some friends and it just hasn’t worked out. For a long time I took it personally but I’m trying to recognise more that it’s because we both have our own stuff going on and you naturally focus on what’s in front of you.

Outside of immediate family I don’t have anyone either but it doesn’t seem unusual, for better or for worse.
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Have you thought about joining some local groups? I know that's what I'd be doing if I was more able bodied?
 
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