The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[ShadowMan]

Communication and social groups are key. If you don’t have many there are ways to find them. Fleeting and disposable friends can be a useful way to get the contact you need.

In the troubles I have had I have lent on a small group of friends and family. Maybe 10 people total but I have some long term friends I see irregularly who have offered help, a room or to talk if needed. I have even been very open with people at work and it helps. I am not one for friends at work but they all know so they know why I’m grumpy and it has helped. They are there to talk if I need them or feel down.

Be open with everyone you know. There is no need to go through anything alone and honestly talking helps. There is no stigma to it. Too many people bottle up and think they can only talk to close friends. It really isnt the case. I find venting on here helps too. If the wife ever found this thread I’m sure she would try and use it against me but I need the vent to strangers.

 

[topgun06]

Communication and social groups are key. If you don’t have many there are ways to find them. Fleeting and disposable friends can be a useful way to get the contact you need.

In the troubles I have had I have lent on a small group of friends and family. Maybe 10 people total but I have some long term friends I see irregularly who have offered help, a room or to talk if needed. I have even been very open with people at work and it helps. I am not one for friends at work but they all know so they know why I’m grumpy and it has helped. They are there to talk if I need them or feel down.

Be open with everyone you know. There is no need to go through anything alone and honestly talking helps. There is no stigma to it. Too many people bottle up and think they can only talk to close friends. It really isnt the case. I find venting on here helps too. If the wife ever found this thread I’m sure she would try and use it against me but I need the vent to strangers.

This is the action I'm goin to try and take. Already thought about just coming out with it at work to help.


My partner of 10+ years left me last week. I understand the reasons completely and we have departed amicably. Neither of us have done anything wrong. No kids, no joint financial assets. I am devastated. We got together very young, late mid/late teens, early twenties. We have been though a lot, and our relationship has 98% been great. She has grown up a lot and changed in the past 5 years due to several reasons and became an amazing person (not that she wasn't before). She was kind of the linchpin in my life. She was the social force. Friend circles, activities, events came 90% through her. I was contented. And she also became contented.

Things have not been "right" for several years though, but we have muddled on, but with us both loving our time together, our social life, the things we did, each other's company. But it has just fizzled out. If you asked me honestly, I could see it, but I was still so content and happy, doing anything about it would have never crossed my mind.

Several big changes in her life have kind of given her a wake-up call. She recently started a new job (you know where this is going). A job which is very demanding and leans heavily on teamwork. The individual wasn't a secret. We spoke openly about them. They used eachother has a shoulder to lean on initially. Which I was absolutely fine with. But as you may have guessed, it progressed from this to them both getting feelings for each other. I guess this was the push for her to make the move.

I can't say I'm not a little bitter about the straw which broke the camel's back. But something was going to cause it at some point I guess.

We have both lost things, but it is hard to see her moving on so soon. I feel lost, and it will take a while to find who I really am without her. My life feels empty, a lot of the friend circles as mentioned above, came through her. A lot of the things I loved came through her.

Going to be so tough, and a long process. It begins with moving back to the house we shared tonight. Going to be horrible.

Thanks for reading and listening.

 

[County]

Not so much a relationship but not sure else where to post. Not even posting with any specific train of thought. Just words that come to my mind

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I knew this day was coming but I thought we’d get one last Christmas together. When my mum called I knew something was up but she was saying she was deteriorating quickly. I knew my mum wasn’t exaggerating and I don’t know what came over me but I collapsed at my desk in work in floods of tears and then told to leave to go be with her.

Don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast on the M4 I’m half expecting a speeding ticket but couldn’t care less right now. Barely been able to eat, drink or sleep since I left the office. Just feel surreal at the moment. I’m not the ‘strong’ one in our family. That’s my cousin. But he wasn’t there yesterday and having to console the family was tough. I’m glad I had that time in the office and drive home to try and process a bit by myself but I’m Still not sunk in yet though

She was a fighter until the end. Until her very last breath she was a formidable woman and I am glad she’s at peace and didn’t suffer but my lord i’s give anything to have her shout at me again, tell me to come over and mow the lawn/cut the hedges.

Just woke my partner up sobbing uncontrollably. It’s like writing these words are helping me get my feelings out

I’m disappointed in myself and I hope she can forgive me that I couldn’t stay until the undertakers came. I called 111 to register the death but I wanted to leave before they collect her as I don’t know when I’ll next get to see her.

Sorry.. this post probably goes all over the place and makes no sense. I’m just a broken man crying like a child wanting his grandmother and grandfather back.

For those of you lucky to have your grandparents. Please, for me, cherish them with all you got. Ask them about their life, their stories and what they were like growing up. Mama told me her stories a thousand times over but I just want to hear them again and again

I hear you - lost my Nan a few years back and took that quite bad. However, it was only the last year when I actually realised I now have no living Grandparents! That was quite scary and something i miss very much.

 

[valve90210]

It helped me massively a few years ago to realise that friendships change, ebb and flow and that's actually okay. Life changes, people change and so friendships change too.

Those people in your history were your friends and they enjoyed your company, but the world moves on. You'll find new friends for this new phase of your life - it's not a reflection on whether you are a good or a bad person, it's just a reflection of change.

You're on the good path, stick to it

(Also I hate you for ruining my diet with Jelly Beans )

Yeah I guess so, but I think the bit of my brain that hates me (which I think/hope everyone has) just keeps niggling away at me that there is something about me that makes it easy for people to let me go from their lives, whereas I find it really hard. I know I'm bad with endings and find it hard to let go of things (all sorts of things not just people) which doesn't help. I've explored it a lot in therapy but having some idea of where it comes from doesn't really help me get over it.

Sorry about the jelly beans, I saw your post and couldn't resist!

 

[valve90210]

Don't you just love it how we're all brainwashed to think we should be having all these BFF's etc because of the crap we see on TV or in movies?

Life just doesn't typically work like that, in my experience most friends are in your life for a reason, whether that be because of school or work etc or maybe you go to a certain night club regularly. I've had lots of friends I've been extremely fond of and close too. But, when I've left the job etc most relationships just fade away and and I've had friends where we've literally had to rely on one another to stay alive on some very rough doors etc. Out of all these countless people I've got one friend I've known for 20 years who I see once every month or so who I met at a random house party. But that's it, I have other friends but most are from online who I'll likely never meet in person and that's fine I don't take that personally.

@valve90210 I'm sorry you feel alone pal, feel free to pop me a message if you ever need a chat!

I think it's a very common occurrence for men not to have many or any friends, I think that as a society that has been the norm for a long time and I personally feel it's really harmful to men. As a species we are generally a social creature and a lack of connection with others can lead to depression, loneliness etc. When I started training to be a counsellor, one of my motivations was to help the mental health of men and one day I'd love to create a men's social space where they can hang out, shoot the breeze, and access trained counsellors too.

Thank you for the offer, I may well take you up on that.

 

[413x]

This is the action I'm goin to try and take. Already thought about just coming out with it at work to help.


My partner of 10+ years left me last week. I understand the reasons completely and we have departed amicably. Neither of us have done anything wrong. No kids, no joint financial assets. I am devastated. We got together very young, late mid/late teens, early twenties. We have been though a lot, and our relationship has 98% been great. She has grown up a lot and changed in the past 5 years due to several reasons and became an amazing person (not that she wasn't before). She was kind of the linchpin in my life. She was the social force. Friend circles, activities, events came 90% through her. I was contented. And she also became contented.

Things have not been "right" for several years though, but we have muddled on, but with us both loving our time together, our social life, the things we did, each other's company. But it has just fizzled out. If you asked me honestly, I could see it, but I was still so content and happy, doing anything about it would have never crossed my mind.

Several big changes in her life have kind of given her a wake-up call. She recently started a new job (you know where this is going). A job which is very demanding and leans heavily on teamwork. The individual wasn't a secret. We spoke openly about them. They used eachother has a shoulder to lean on initially. Which I was absolutely fine with. But as you may have guessed, it progressed from this to them both getting feelings for each other. I guess this was the push for her to make the move.

I can't say I'm not a little bitter about the straw which broke the camel's back. But something was going to cause it at some point I guess.

We have both lost things, but it is hard to see her moving on so soon. I feel lost, and it will take a while to find who I really am without her. My life feels empty, a lot of the friend circles as mentioned above, came through her. A lot of the things I loved came through her.

Going to be so tough, and a long process. It begins with moving back to the house we shared tonight. Going to be horrible.

Thanks for reading and listening.

This is tough. But you've got a good initial attitude.

You don't seem angry. You seem to admit it was supposed to/always going to end.
It will be tough. But in time you'll learn and hopefully come out a better person.

As often is the case... The person who facilitated the ending of it will (in time) have done you a favour.
If it was Always going to end, at least it's now and not another 10 years down the line.


Time to work on yourself, make friends, go to gym, talk to family, visit new places, take up new hobbies. Any or all of those or any more. Anything to stop your mind dwelling.

You have the advantage like I did of a clean break (no kids or mortgages etc).
This means you can, if you want, just cut off from that person completely and start a fresh. I found this really helped in the aftermath.

 

[topgun06]

This is tough. But you've got a good initial attitude.

You don't seem angry. You seem to admit it was supposed to/always going to end.
It will be tough. But in time you'll learn and hopefully come out a better person.

As often is the case... The person who facilitated the ending of it will (in time) have done you a favour.
If it was Always going to end, at least it's now and not another 10 years down the line.


Time to work on yourself, make friends, go to gym, talk to family, visit new places, take up new hobbies. Any or all of those or any more. Anything to stop your mind dwelling.

You have the advantage like I did of a clean break (no kids or mortgages etc).
This means you can, if you want, just cut off from that person completely and start a fresh. I found this really helped in the aftermath.

Thanks for the reply.

It will take time. And right now it is so hard to see where the feelings will end and how it will get better. I know it will improve though.

The only slight issue is we have two dogs which obviously we both love, so there will need to be conversations about that. And right now she doesn't have anywhere permanent to go, so the house will be somewhat of a storage space for a while until she can take the last of her things.

Out with a mate to watch some football later. I feel I'll be relying on him a lot. But that will occupy me for a few hours.

Thinking of going into the office more too, instead of sitting alone at a home full of raw memories. There's a woman in the team who is like our "work mum". I feel I may be able to talk to her initially with a view of telling everyone. But I don't want to make a big deal out of it - "ooooo everyone, look at me and my news". But I think I'd feel more comfortable at work that way.

 

[ShadowMan]

Sounds like a very similar situation to mine. She is busy at work, wants to be independent, doesn't love me the same way etc etc. In my wife's case I am sure she is having a crisis but have to let her get on with it. She claims no-one else involved before we broke up but I don't really trust her 100%. She is talking to other people now though and was within days of ending it I know for sure.

Be open with the people around you about what is happening. No point in trying to hide it and becoming strained in other relationships with work or friends. They will be there to help and support as needed. Trust me when I say you are going to be all over. I am 5 weeks in and still not sure which way is up (which she uses against me as she says im unreasonable as one day fine and the other angry).

For reference, when I look at what happened with me I did a lot of reading around causes and crisis etc and the following was helpful. In you case maybe less so if she met someone else and that is the main cause but who knows. There are so many things that make people change it can be impossible to find out what the real reason is. The best advice from what I have read is that you need to focus on you and realise its her decision. Not yours. She will likely give reasons that make it sound like you did something but in reality you didn't and it her mind that has changed as you are finding with how you feel.

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[gavinh87]

I think it's a very common occurrence for men not to have many or any friends, I think that as a society that has been the norm for a long time and I personally feel it's really harmful to men. As a species we are generally a social creature and a lack of connection with others can lead to depression, loneliness etc. When I started training to be a counsellor, one of my motivations was to help the mental health of men and one day I'd love to create a men's social space where they can hang out, shoot the breeze, and access trained counsellors too.

Thank you for the offer, I may well take you up on that.

It is difficult after a break up, especially when the other was the social one.

I was in a position where I didn't wanna tell my friends, I felt ashamed and have grown apart from them since. Plus I've grown up a lot since we were school kids and some of them haven't!

You need a hobby, I took up carp fishing when I was going through it all. The people you meet are generally very friendly guys that have been through the same **** we have.
Now I regularly go away and camp out on a lake for 48-72 hours a time and put the world to rights with some of the guys of met. We generally go all over the country and spend weeks planning the trips. It helps takes your mind off the **** happening.

 

[valve90210]

It is difficult after a break up, especially when the other was the social one.

I was in a position where I didn't wanna tell my friends, I felt ashamed and have grown apart from them since. Plus I've grown up a lot since we were school kids and some of them haven't!

You need a hobby, I took up carp fishing when I was going through it all. The people you meet are generally very friendly guys that have been through the same **** we have.
Now I regularly go away and camp out on a lake for 48-72 hours a time and put the world to rights with some of the guys of met. We generally go all over the country and spend weeks planning the trips. It helps takes your mind off the **** happening.

True that re a hobby, sadly, the main hobby I had, which was died out during lockdown, was dancing, I had made a nice group of friends and really enjoyed it but when lockdown came along it all stopped and everyone moved on with their lives and most of them don't dance any more. I know I could go back to it myself but it's painful because I also introduced my ex to it, who loved it. I was so happy we would be able to share it and enjoy it together but now I feel really sad at the thought of doing it by myself because it's such a reminder of us. I know in time I'll feel better and I'm sure if I was to go along and remind myself how much I enjoyed it, it would reclaim as my own again but I'm not quite ready for that yet.

 

[ShadowMan]

The problems with hobbies I am finding f is the lack of focus. I can’t focus on a task for more than maybe 30mins without my mind wandering and getting stuck in my own thoughts. I am taking up running as I can think and do that at the same time. Also when I get further away from the house I have actions left but to keep going and make it back.

The worst times for me are when I am alone and in my own head. I see more of family and friends now than I ever did. Even considering going into the office more despite being only required 1 or 2 days per week.

 

[413x]

The problems with hobbies I am finding f is the lack of focus. I can’t focus on a task for more than maybe 30mins without my mind wandering and getting stuck in my own thoughts. I am taking up running as I can think and do that at the same time. Also when I get further away from the house I have actions left but to keep going and make it back.

The worst times for me are when I am alone and in my own head. I see more of family and friends now than I ever did. Even considering going into the office more despite being only required 1 or 2 days per week.

For myself this happens too. Not bad thoughts but I get distracted

Especially with passive activities like computer games. I've basically I've this up as I just don't enjoy them.

throw me on a mountain bike or something fast pace and your mind can't wander.. Because you'll be in hospital. It's why as I've gotten older I've transitioned to outdoor stuff.

Even walking or kayaking (which are slower) grab my attention.


Is it possibly the hobbies you're trying?

 

[malachi]

The problems with hobbies I am finding f is the lack of focus. I can’t focus on a task for more than maybe 30mins without my mind wandering and getting stuck in my own thoughts.

Pick an martial art, you find yourself focusing a lot on trying not to get hit or the correct technique to take the other opponent down. Your mind will be too distracted to wonder

 

[Vidar]

Pick an martial art, you find yourself focusing a lot on trying not to get hit or the correct technique to take the other opponent down. Your mind will be too distracted to wonder

This is great advice, I honestly wish I could go back to training Ju Jitsu but honestly I think any type would be great...

 

[ShadowMan]

Martial arts aren't something that appear to be but maybe someone else. Running starts this week. Gym a couple of times a week to start too which will help. Other hobbies are painting models with the kids and online games. Not played a game for months in general as was getting bored and just doing models with my oldest. I'll find new hobbies once she is gone.

My main thing today is I have to take back some control. The more I realise that she has gained everything and had no consequences yet the more I want to stand up a bit more. I need to push back and make sure I get treated fairly in this. Its not about punishing her but about getting a fair treatment and what I need too. She can be selfish. So should I be.

 

[gavinh87]

The problems with hobbies I am finding f is the lack of focus. I can’t focus on a task for more than maybe 30mins without my mind wandering and getting stuck in my own thoughts. I am taking up running as I can think and do that at the same time. Also when I get further away from the house I have actions left but to keep going and make it back.

The worst times for me are when I am alone and in my own head. I see more of family and friends now than I ever did. Even considering going into the office more despite being only required 1 or 2 days per week.

I think this is normal at first, you have just experienced a traumatic event.
I did my fishing with my brother at first so I knew if I wanted to come home and sulk I couldn't because I'd be letting him down. And it worked, just takes time mate.

 

[gavinh87]

True that re a hobby, sadly, the main hobby I had, which was died out during lockdown, was dancing, I had made a nice group of friends and really enjoyed it but when lockdown came along it all stopped and everyone moved on with their lives and most of them don't dance any more. I know I could go back to it myself but it's painful because I also introduced my ex to it, who loved it. I was so happy we would be able to share it and enjoy it together but now I feel really sad at the thought of doing it by myself because it's such a reminder of us. I know in time I'll feel better and I'm sure if I was to go along and remind myself how much I enjoyed it, it would reclaim as my own again but I'm not quite ready for that yet.

I felt the same about going to the football games of the team I support, I didn't go for a good 2 years.
Then I was like, FU I introduced you to this, this is my thing and I started going alone.

I guess dancing is a little different, you need a partner. Would you be comfortable pairing up with a stranger?

 

[One More Solo]

Have you thought about joining some local groups? I know that's what I'd be doing if I was more able bodied?

It’s a really good shout, I just haven’t figured out what group to join. It would be nice to find some local musicians to play with so maybe that should be it. I have a bad habit of making all my hobbies solo hobbies.

 

[valve90210]

I felt the same about going to the football games of the team I support, I didn't go for a good 2 years.
Then I was like, FU I introduced you to this, this is my thing and I started going alone.

I guess dancing is a little different, you need a partner. Would you be comfortable pairing up with a stranger?

As luck would have it, the type of dancing I did, you dance with anyone and everyone, so from that point of views it's ok, just feels sad that it was something we were going to do together and enjoy and as a couple. In time, I'll get back to it and hopefully make some more friends, though the dancing has been much quieter since covid times and the average age has gone up quite considerably so I'm less likely to meet more young, fun people there.than a few years ago.

 

[topgun06]

So, just over a week on.

I'm focusing on keeping myself occupied. Been in the office 3 times this week. That has helped.

Got a few meetings with mates planned this weekend too.

Just finding it real hard to be in the house we shared. I went the other night to have a session on the turbo trainer. I couldn't do it. Didn't get past the first room before becoming upset. Tonight was similar. Therefore I've been sleeping at my mother's, despite the house being empty since Monday. Not sure what I want to do with the place. Right now I can't see myself living there. Probably too soon to be thinking of staying or moving right now.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.