The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

I know exactly how you feel. Whilst I am trying to buy mine out I am not sure I want it. My kids want me to keep it but there are memories there I won’t want. If it wasn’t for them it would be going but they want their home. It’s not their fault and I’ll give it to them if I can.

It will get easier to be there. Keep to your routines and just do what is comfortable in the house.
 
ShadowMan said:
I know exactly how you feel. Whilst I am trying to buy mine out I am not sure I want it. My kids want me to keep it but there are memories there I won’t want. If it wasn’t for them it would be going but they want their home. It’s not their fault and I’ll give it to them if I can.

It will get easier to be there. Keep to your routines and just do what is comfortable in the house.
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Perhaps a better option is to redecorate rather than moving (especially the common areas like your bedroom and the lounge).

Have the kids help you decide what to do with those spaces :)
 
Its on the cards. My oldest has already said he wants to redo his room. His mum wouldn't let him do it how he wanted so he asked if I would. Of course I agreed.

I have just done hallway but depending how much money is left at the end I'll be looking to make some changes. Its a nice house that is worth keeping so removing some of her decisions and design will be a good start. Probably won't stay here forever like we planned but it will do for a few years.
 
topgun06 said:
Just finding it real hard to be in the house we shared. I went the other night to have a session on the turbo trainer. I couldn't do it. Didn't get past the first room before becoming upset. Tonight was similar. Therefore I've been sleeping at my mother's, despite the house being empty since Monday. Not sure what I want to do with the place. Right now I can't see myself living there. Probably too soon to be thinking of staying or moving right now.
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This is grief. When my wife and I separated, I went to the mountains for some peace for a week but it was where we got married, too. I walked past the place we got married and broke down in tears but had to ask myself why I was crying. The memories were good and real. I haven't lost those. The relationship wasn't working in the way that make either of us happy, so what is the real sadness? Change? It will never take away the good memories and yes things will be different, but they can also be different better. It took me a while mulling over why I was feeling that way to feel immensely grateful for what I did have in my life and the fact that now I have the opportunity to make new memories, too.
Stay strong
 
randomshenans said:
This is grief. When my wife and I separated, I went to the mountains for some peace for a week but it was where we got married, too. I walked past the place we got married and broke down in tears but had to ask myself why I was crying. The memories were good and real. I haven't lost those. The relationship wasn't working in the way that make either of us happy, so what is the real sadness? Change? It will never take away the good memories and yes things will be different, but they can also be different better. It took me a while mulling over why I was feeling that way to feel immensely grateful for what I did have in my life and the fact that now I have the opportunity to make new memories, too.
Stay strong
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Its a great thing when you can look back and think.. There were good times and those are still good. There were things that made it not work and I've learnt from those. I wish her well in the future.

Change is hard but in the end it need not be bad. The cliche "things happen for a reason" is true.

Its a significant change in my mental wellbeing that I now accept and even like change. Friends come and go and that's OK. How else would you meet me people.
Relationships too.. Although harder.

Maybe religion and being together forever despite it sometimes being wrong has a lot to answer for.
 
topgun06 said:
So, just over a week on.

I'm focusing on keeping myself occupied. Been in the office 3 times this week. That has helped.

Got a few meetings with mates planned this weekend too.

Just finding it real hard to be in the house we shared. I went the other night to have a session on the turbo trainer. I couldn't do it. Didn't get past the first room before becoming upset. Tonight was similar. Therefore I've been sleeping at my mother's, despite the house being empty since Monday. Not sure what I want to do with the place. Right now I can't see myself living there. Probably too soon to be thinking of staying or moving right now.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.
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ShadowMan said:
I know exactly how you feel. Whilst I am trying to buy mine out I am not sure I want it. My kids want me to keep it but there are memories there I won’t want. If it wasn’t for them it would be going but they want their home. It’s not their fault and I’ll give it to them if I can.

It will get easier to be there. Keep to your routines and just do what is comfortable in the house.
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I went through similar when I split up with my son's mum. We split up but ended up sharing the same house for a further five years for various reasons. Anyway, she had her room and kept her stuff in it and spent a lot of her time in there when we were both in the house and the door was closed virtually the whole time and I pretty much never went into the room. When she eventually moved out I was really struggling with the room, and couldn't bring myself to even go into it as it felt so uncomfortable to me, like a a place of sadness and loss etc. I didn't know what to do.

Then a friend of mine suggested I simply opened the door. I did so and left it open and after a few weeks, the feelings began to ebb away slowly and a few months later I emptied the room, redecorated it and made it my own and it became my place of comfort and relaxation and my favourite room in the house. I guess my point is just to be aware that in time feelings change and places can become nice to you again.
 
I am struggling this morning. When we broke up, my ex wrote an email to explain her reasons for ending our relationship as she felt she owed me an explanation. She didn't send it but just let me know she'd written it and if I ever wanted to read it to let her know. Anyway, I asked her to send it today and she has, There's noting mean in it at all but it's completely heart-breaking and I'm in pieces.
 
Try to look at it as a positive though. She has reasons and now you know them. Whilst they hurt at least you know. The unknown would have eaten at you more. Take your time and process how you need to. There is nothing wrong with being in pieces and it is part of the way we deal with it. I am regularly in pieces and have up days and down days.

The wife moved into the spare room at the weekend. She had agreed to do it but I struggled on the weekend and made her do it faster as I felt it was taking too long and had a bad day. The day she did it was awful and broke me. Watching her stuff and our furniture move into another room was another nail the coffin of our relationship and hurt more than I thought it would. That brought on more arguments which again makes things worse and whilst she was doing what I wanted I didn't want her to a the same time. Confusing as hell for her and me and not a great place to be.

We are now in a sharing pattern though and I have 2 more nights in the house with her for temporary reasons and then its over. From this week we will be spending time away from the house on a rota so that the kids are stable but we are not in the house together. This gives us both space and stops the conflict. It won't fix anything. Her mind was made up a long time ago but means we won't argue and can focus on ourselves which is needed. I am sure I will struggle with her room for a long time but it will be part of the journey I need to go on.
 
@ShadowMan Absolutely, the unknown will hurt you everyday, the known destroys you completely but you can begin to rebuild.

I very much understand how hard that must have been for you at the weekend, the conflict of feelings is incredibly painful and really feel for you. I sounds liek you are doing the right things and being aware of how you are feeling and allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel is important!

If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to drop me a message, I know how helpful it can be, and if it helps, you'd also be doing me a huge favour too because life has become a lot darker, harder and more lonely recently and I truly value connecting with people. Take care of yourself.
 
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I appreciate that I really do. The goes out to anyone struggling from me. Pain shared is halved. I am working with my therapist and close family to get through a lot and the conflict internally is what gets me the most. I am not one to give up but in this case I should let her go and move on with my life to be happier. It just isn't in me at this point and giving up is not the example I want to set for my kids. Its only been 5 or 6 weeks and if she is telling the truth about her reasoning then it makes no sense at all. I have friends who have got through far worse. It comes down to she gave up and just didn't want to talk to me but I can't help her with that.

I really hope the time apart gives me the clarity I need. The kids complicates it but that will resolve eventually as we both put them first. I just have a feeling our views of putting them first are different and she won't agree to mine and I won't to hers so its going to get both complicated, hurtful and expensive.

Time is the healer for everything. That is what I am holding onto now. Giving it time and seeing where I end up.
 
It's great that you have a therapist and your family to help support you, it makes such a difference (he says having just had a session with his counsellor! lol)

It's so very hard when we have that inner conflict, so many feelings and emotions and memories within us, it can be so painful. Make sure you look after yourself, do what is right for you and your kids and that's all the world can possibly ask of you.
 
Session 4 with counsellor tomorrow. I have 8 paid for by work. After that I’ll probably keep seeing her anyway. See where we get to.

On a brighter note I have the kids from Friday to Wednesday this week as wife travelling for work. Her plans changed last minute which was annoying but happy to have them. Should cheer me up being just the 3 of us.
 
Lean in to the counselling, embrace it fully and be as open and honest as you possibly can, it really can help hugely.

I've long since lost count of how many sessions I've had with counsellor, coming up on 6 years working with her and it has truly transformed my life (even if it feels like a pile of crap right now)

That's a good attitude, hold onto the positives and enjoy every moment you can with your kids.
 
Tough evening tonight. My turn to be out of the house but she asked me to collect kids as she was running late and had to get her tyres changed. Picked them up and took them home and waited for her. Expected 5 mins. Was closer to 30. Spending tiny bit of time with the made it hard to leave.

Going to have to get tougher and make her manage on her own. I don’t mind being backup but if she can’t sort it out then why does she have them? In the last 4 days I’ve been away she has rang twice now as she had issues sorting collecting them.
 
What are her reasons? If you don't mind me asking? Does knowing make you feel better or worse?

Regarding her relying on you still, I understand how hard it is and that you're torn up inside but you need to set boundaries and stick to them. If you want and can pick up the kids every day, do that but stick to the boundaries you set. You're not a partnership anymore. She's only your wife on paper.

Women like this are delusional, and you're literally letting her have her cake and eat it too!

She needs to understand that the days of you being at her beckoning call are over. She has a problem, she needs to deal with it! Yes, your kids are involved but if you hadn't gone for them what would she have done? Got her tires changed another time on her own time is what!

I used to know a girl that was a friend with benefits situation many years ago, we sort of remained friends over the years despite the physical stuff long since sizzling out. She got with a guy and ended up getting married, having a kid with him but after a couple of years cheated on him and he found out and somehow she convinced him to stay. Roughly 5 years later he started getting overly friendly with a girl from work. He doesn't hook up or do anything physical but in her eyes this crosses a red line and she ends the relationship and marriage. After all that he'll, she eventually agrees to take him back. Only it's all on her terms...

The poor guy lives completely separate from her and the kid. Yet, he does everything she demands of him even cleaning her house when she's out at work etc. She'll boots call.him.and literally kick him out afterwards and sleeps with other people. Suffice to say I'm no longer friends as I don't rate people like that
 
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Reasons for leaving? To Valve or Me?

I could list mine but honestly she has changed them quite a bit. Would love her to write them down and stick to them.

As for letting her have her cake and eat it, I am getting better. I got my room back. I’ve managed to say no a few times. She is about to only see the kids for 2 days in 10 due to her trip and I wouldn’t cave on letting her have more as it’s not my fault. I did compromise and let her have a short visit but once she is back in country it’s onto our schedule.

It’s taking time to adjust. I used to happily do everything I could for her. Can’t turn that off quickly. Especially when kids involved and she has no backup plans or support.
 
ShadowMan said:
Reasons for leaving? To Valve or Me?

I could list mine but honestly she has changed them quite a bit. Would love her to write them down and stick to them.

As for letting her have her cake and eat it, I am getting better. I got my room back. I’ve managed to say no a few times. She is about to only see the kids for 2 days in 10 due to her trip and I wouldn’t cave on letting her have more as it’s not my fault. I did compromise and let her have a short visit but once she is back in country it’s onto our schedule.

It’s taking time to adjust. I used to happily do everything I could for her. Can’t turn that off quickly. Especially when kids involved and she has no backup plans or support.
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I did mean you pal, the reason I asked is simply to make the point that it doesn't matter and only serves to hurt you more. You say her reasons keep changing which means she doesn't know why she's done this or more likely she does know why but doesn't want to admit she wants to get railed by a squaddie in uniform etc.

The reason you're still doing stuff is because on some level you have hope. Hope she's going to come to her senses etc but I promise you she won't. And if she does try to fix things it's only because the grass wasn't as green on the other side as she thought.... this time!

Understand this woman does not care about you or respect you. Stop compromising, stop being there for her. Stop shielding her from the consequences of her decisions. If she doesn't have support etc it's tough ****! She did this.

As for your kids, I'm not saying not to be there for them. I'm saying don't be there for her! Set boundaries that work for you and your kids like I've said and don't give in on anything for her. She dropped you like a piece of dog crap mate, remember that.
 
Her reasons started with we had grown distant again. We had got to a place where we didn't talk much during the day other than practical family stuff and she said we were more like housemates than a couple. In an evening she was tired from work all the time (turns out she spent longer at work to avoid coming home and not talking to me) so I left her alone as I got told she just wanted to chill out and watch crap TV (which I don't watch) so I would go in my office and play a game or watch YouTube. This has happened before over the years and we normally talk about it and make small changes and everything is fine for months/years then it comes back. She decided this time she doesn't want the loop again and wanted out. She also highlighted kids have grown up and need her less so she finds herself with more time and nothing to focus on so just works. Our eldest has commented his mums hobby is her work.

Now, the reasons include improving herself. She wants to be more independent, focus on herself and be selfish including travel and doing it all on her own. She brings up things like me doing all the bills and handling all the daily paperwork. She wants to be able to do everything herself. She realised she has never technically bought a house as I handled all the paperwork and just gave her forms to sign. Apparently this was a bad thing. I balance our budget and monitored our joint account. Now she earns well she wants her money I think. I asked why she didn't just ask to change it and have a joint account for bills only and we pay set amounts in. Her reason was she was worried I would make her pay 50% which she couldn't afford before this year as I always earnt a lot more (more or less equal in 2023/24). I never would have done that. I highlighted she always got her fair share and more. She bought a brand new Audi Q5 when she was on mid £30k's as my salary was enough to cover other bills and she could "afford" the payment herself. Every conversation is another reason and I have told her the ones from before seem to disappear.

She is adamant she has never cheated on me before or after Dec. I try to believe her but the trust is broken. I can't see it being fixed but it is taking me time to let go more than anything. Once she moves out fully and her flat is ready I will be happier. Yes I need to put up the boundaries and let her have consequences but it is hard after 15 years. As I told her, I was all in. She clearly wasn't.

I think is she is confused. My therapist, friends, family and I are all convinced she needs help as something is going on in her head she needs to address but I can't tell her so as I am the last person to give her advice at the moment. For now, its about space. Focus on the kids. Sort my head out and try and be independent. One day she might file the divorce paperwork and we can move forward but its been 6 weeks now and she hasn't yet and shows no sign of actually doing it. Financially I am better now than I have been before so if it drags on I can spend more on kids and myself and save a chunk so short term I'll let it slide. In a few weeks I will need to talk to her about next steps and push it though as limbo is not where I want to be.

Any future steps for me will require my counsellor and seeking help. I am fine with that. I hope she seeks the same to help herself. When the truth all comes out I will deal with it. She isn't being fully truthful I know that. But I can't place my finger on what she is covering and I am afraid to guess. My counsellor tells me I always go to worst case to protect myself and fill in blanks with detail that doesn't exist which works against me so I am trying to just let the unknown be unknown until it is revealed and the truth comes out.
 
ShadowMan said:
Her reasons started with we had grown distant again. We had got to a place where we didn't talk much during the day other than practical family stuff and she said we were more like housemates than a couple. In an evening she was tired from work all the time (turns out she spent longer at work to avoid coming home and not talking to me) so I left her alone as I got told she just wanted to chill out and watch crap TV (which I don't watch) so I would go in my office and play a game or watch YouTube. This has happened before over the years and we normally talk about it and make small changes and everything is fine for months/years then it comes back. She decided this time she doesn't want the loop again and wanted out. She also highlighted kids have grown up and need her less so she finds herself with more time and nothing to focus on so just works. Our eldest has commented his mums hobby is her work.

Now, the reasons include improving herself. She wants to be more independent, focus on herself and be selfish including travel and doing it all on her own. She brings up things like me doing all the bills and handling all the daily paperwork. She wants to be able to do everything herself. She realised she has never technically bought a house as I handled all the paperwork and just gave her forms to sign. Apparently this was a bad thing. I balance our budget and monitored our joint account. Now she earns well she wants her money I think. I asked why she didn't just ask to change it and have a joint account for bills only and we pay set amounts in. Her reason was she was worried I would make her pay 50% which she couldn't afford before this year as I always earnt a lot more (more or less equal in 2023/24). I never would have done that. I highlighted she always got her fair share and more. She bought a brand new Audi Q5 when she was on mid £30k's as my salary was enough to cover other bills and she could "afford" the payment herself. Every conversation is another reason and I have told her the ones from before seem to disappear.
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So she got the commitment kids and needed to do very little financially. Now years later, she wants to end the relationship because is basically bored.

This is why people cant have nice things.
 
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malachi said:
So she got the commitment kids and needed to do very little financially. Now years later, she wants to end the relationship because is basically bored.

This is why people cant have nice things.
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Probably is bordem at the end of the day.

If one person stops putting in the effort it will get boring. Happens so much. See it all the time. Especially with people who are still together.

Bordem is one thing.. Many stay in that stage. But when something new and exciting comes along + bordem.. That's when break ups happen.

I do get it with kids, work and life is easy to end up"bored". Get up, sort kids, go to work, come cone, kids + cooking + tv, bed.

Rinse and repeat. It is boring if that's all life is.
 
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