The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

arctine said:
You might want to have a long look at yourself tbh.

How she feels should have absolutely nothing to do with how you feel. More importantly, regardless of the situation, you shouldn’t be finding pleasure in anyone else’s lack of it.

It’s a sign that you don’t actually love her, you love the benefits you got from being with her. Two different things and the second isn’t healthy.
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Reading that back I didn't really get across what I meant, it was horrid seeing her upset and I found it upsetting but some part of me saw that what we had had in our relationship really meant a lot to her and that's why she was upset, whereas the self-destructive part of my subconscious that tries to bring me down had me thinking that she was fine and completely unaffected by what to me is the most painful and upsetting experience I've had. I certainly took no pleasure from her upset, it was heartbreaking.

Trust me I am already looking at myself and re-evaluating who I am, because I have worked so hard on myself to be a better person and in our relationship I really tried my best to be the best version of myself but I'm still quite negative in my thinking and way of being and that is what ultimately impacted our relationship. It's something I've been working on but I know I want to do more work on it because it doesn't make me happy.
 
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ShadowMan said:
Been through it? How she feel absolutely impacts on him. It was a relationship between 2 people. How each other feels directly affects the other in many ways.

I fully understand what he means. Feeling you are the only one in pain from a life changing event that is supposed to affect 2 people is heart-breaking and difficult to work through. Knowing that actually, the other person does feel and you are both hurting helps to reinforce that the relationship was a shared one. His comment don't mean he wants her in pain but merely that knowing she also hurts bring validation to what was and that she cared. Those that don't care, don't feel and believing they don't feel is the worst part of the breakup. That you can be discarded without emotion and pain is the most hurtful part of it.
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Exactly what I meant, thank you for putting it into better words than I did.
 
ShadowMan said:
I’ve been running again today which helped a bit. Weight still coming off. 18st 5ish and now down to 15st 10 in 7 weeks.

I’ll be better after Wednesday as I won’t have to see or speak to her again. Will likely block her fully on all media and just tell her txt or email only. No Facebook, WhatsApp etc.

May order myself some books. Going to get some painting done in the house too and redecorate the main bedroom. Also get new furniture I think. May have to spread it out though so don’t raid the savings.
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I'd also recommend getting a bike (if you haven't already got one), much less stressful on your body.

Plus you can go riding for miles on one, I find it a great stress reliever.
 
ShadowMan said:
How she feel absolutely impacts on him. It was a relationship between 2 people. How each other feels directly affects the other in many ways.
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Well that’s evident. I haven’t said how she feels doesn’t affect him, I’ve said it shouldn’t and I maintain this position. It’s the definition of moving on.

His comment don't mean he wants her in pain but merely that knowing she also hurts bring validation to what was and that she cared.
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It can mean both of those things and probably does.
 
Look, I don't buy into all that alpha male red pill bull **** but there's some truth to what they say! Break ups are absolutely awful and traumatic, especially when you've been blindsided but some of you guys need to get some self respect!

You've been dumped! By it's very definition this means that the now ex literally doesn't care enough about you to stay in the relationship. This isn't a Jennifer Aniston movie, there's no happy ending to be had with these women, there's no being friends, this is just a delusional consolation prize. Infact, unless you have kids you shouldn't be anything other than civil and that's only for the kids.

The fact is, every time you meet for a chat or read a letter about why they dumped you etc or talk about how valuable the relationship was to you, all you are doing is confirming you still care! It literally doesn't matter what she says. If she actually cared about you she'd still be with you.
 
An odd one. Talked to her Wednesday. Clear about a few things and got to say my piece. I’m now far more comfortable moving on and accepting it. I still think she is lying to me about something and I think I know what but she just won’t admit it.

For stepping forward and for the kids we are going to counselling to see if we can resolve a way to be more amicable. I’m not expecting to fix us. It’s not to try and put us together but to resolve the animosity and bits that get in the way that will hurt our kids the future. I just hope she engages with it or it’s a waste of time and money.

Few low days. Friends and family helping a lot though. Have been in no contact mode since Wednesday and will carry it on other than for direct stuff about kids or the counselling sessions.
 
is it acceptable to send your ex's new man a letter?
So, my ex, the one I was with when I had my stroke, who left me when I got out of the care home, has contacted me to say that she has a new fella, and that she thought that I should know
we have a child who is pretty grown up now, he is twenty in april of next year, he has met the new guy and likes him according to my ex, I've asked our son if this is true, does he like him, and he said " yeah, he's great"
My ex is/was very special to me, and I wish that somebody had told me some things when I got with her
this new man must have excellent potential, or be pretty special himself to be allowed into my Ex's life
and I would just like him to treat her, and our son well, so I'd like to send him a letter about that!
I'd also like him to feel comfortable about contacting me if he needed to ( pref by e-mail)
as an aside, I'm proper disabled now , my left side is paralysed, and I live in a wheelchair now too, My daughter has announced that she is pregnant, and I never dreamed that I would be a disabled grandad, I'm mourning the fact that I'm not going to be very much fun at that, and because I can't drive any more I won't be able to travel up to yorkshire to support her before, during, nor after the birth
I also got banned from the MM recently too,

because of my brain damage I can be pretty impulsive, and put an item up for sale for more than I bought it for, this apparently is classed as profiteering, it was a mistake, I didn't know, and I didn't think to look at the rules to check that every single thing that I was doing was not breaking the rules, it feels very odd not being able to see the MM any more, while they were deciding what to do with me, my attitude was not the best that it could have been, but tbh, my mind was on other things

so yeah , all in all, my life recently has not been great, what do you think, is it okay to send a letter? and how should I cope with the other things too?

thanks.
 
Threepwood said:
is it acceptable to send your ex's new man a letter?
So, my ex, the one I was with when I had my stroke, who left me when I got out of the care home, has contacted me to say that she has a new fella, and that she thought that I should know
we have a child who is pretty grown up now, he is twenty in april of next year, he has met the new guy and likes him according to my ex, I've asked our son if this is true, does he like him, and he said " yeah, he's great"
My ex is/was very special to me, and I wish that somebody had told me some things when I got with her
this new man must have excellent potential, or be pretty special himself to be allowed into my Ex's life
and I would just like him to treat her, and our son well, so I'd like to send him a letter about that!
I'd also like him to feel comfortable about contacting me if he needed to ( pref by e-mail)
as an aside, I'm proper disabled now , my left side is paralysed, and I live in a wheelchair now too, My daughter has announced that she is pregnant, and I never dreamed that I would be a disabled grandad, I'm mourning the fact that I'm not going to be very much fun at that, and because I can't drive any more I won't be able to travel up to yorkshire to support her before, during, nor after the birth
I also got banned from the MM recently too,

because of my brain damage I can be pretty impulsive, and put an item up for sale for more than I bought it for, this apparently is classed as profiteering, it was a mistake, I didn't know, and I didn't think to look at the rules to check that every single thing that I was doing was not breaking the rules, it feels very odd not being able to see the MM any more, while they were deciding what to do with me, my attitude was not the best that it could have been, but tbh, my mind was on other things

so yeah , all in all, my life recently has not been great, what do you think, is it okay to send a letter? and how should I cope with the other things too?

thanks.
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Sorry to hear all you are going through.
Personally I would not send that letter.
Its not really going to do any good. But it may look like you are interfering/can't let go.


Maybe write it but don't send it or that helps. But personally. I wouldn't send it
 
Threepwood said:
is it acceptable to send your ex's new man a letter?
So, my ex, the one I was with when I had my stroke, who left me when I got out of the care home, has contacted me to say that she has a new fella, and that she thought that I should know
we have a child who is pretty grown up now, he is twenty in april of next year, he has met the new guy and likes him according to my ex, I've asked our son if this is true, does he like him, and he said " yeah, he's great"
My ex is/was very special to me, and I wish that somebody had told me some things when I got with her
this new man must have excellent potential, or be pretty special himself to be allowed into my Ex's life
and I would just like him to treat her, and our son well, so I'd like to send him a letter about that!
I'd also like him to feel comfortable about contacting me if he needed to ( pref by e-mail)
as an aside, I'm proper disabled now , my left side is paralysed, and I live in a wheelchair now too, My daughter has announced that she is pregnant, and I never dreamed that I would be a disabled grandad, I'm mourning the fact that I'm not going to be very much fun at that, and because I can't drive any more I won't be able to travel up to yorkshire to support her before, during, nor after the birth
I also got banned from the MM recently too,

because of my brain damage I can be pretty impulsive, and put an item up for sale for more than I bought it for, this apparently is classed as profiteering, it was a mistake, I didn't know, and I didn't think to look at the rules to check that every single thing that I was doing was not breaking the rules, it feels very odd not being able to see the MM any more, while they were deciding what to do with me, my attitude was not the best that it could have been, but tbh, my mind was on other things

so yeah , all in all, my life recently has not been great, what do you think, is it okay to send a letter? and how should I cope with the other things too?

thanks.
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I think you should focus on your own circumstances and doing whatever it is that keeps you happy and moves you in the right direction. Be selfish and don't worry too much about other people for now. Stay positive and keep us updated on your own circumstances.
 
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Do not send any letter!

Your ex is just that, your ex. Your kids are grown. You may not like it but unless this man mistreated your son and daughter then it has absolutely nothing to do with you and even then they're adults.

As a disabled man myself I can relate to your feelings on that, life is often deeply unfair. My now 6 year old daughter has never known me as able-bodied. I've never been able to give her shoulder rides and piggy backs or take her to the park etc. And yes it makes me sad. But, that doesn't mean we're not close and that she's not one of my all time favourite people. That doesn't mean we can't do things together and have fun, even if some days thats just watching classic cartoons together. Your new grandchild will love you, all kids care about is time!
 
valve90210 said:
It went well actually, we sat and talked for a couple of hours. We were both just as upset as each other and both finding it super hard but were able to express ourselves and speak our minds with kindness and gentleness for ourselves and each other.

Neither of us regrets our time together, we both loved it and loved each other but things weren't right for her and I can understand that, and she had to do what was right for her, which, as painful as it is for me, I can understand. We will stay in touch and we both hope we can be friends when the feelings are not longer so painful.

For me it was nice to see that she was also really struggling, I didn't know how she was feeling before today and had it in my head that she was probably fine and just wanted to purge me from her life which felt incredibly sad. But to see that she was as upset as me felt like what had had for the last 3 years was something real and precious to us both.
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Y'know, sometimes GD has the most beautiful moments. This is one of them.

Good luck with the journey, wherever it takes you.
 
Head melting today. Anxiety and apprehension for Monday and talking to a counsellor as 2 of us. I really want the closure but unsure how it is going to go. Logically prepared but struggling to get the emotions in check. Doesn't help its my weekend without the kids so wont see them until Monday and been out since yesterday.

Got to try and keep busy but with the weather a lot of the stuff I had planned is closed/cancelled.
 
ShadowMan said:
Head melting today. Anxiety and apprehension for Monday and talking to a counsellor as 2 of us. I really want the closure but unsure how it is going to go. Logically prepared but struggling to get the emotions in check. Doesn't help its my weekend without the kids so wont see them until Monday and been out since yesterday.

Got to try and keep busy but with the weather a lot of the stuff I had planned is closed/cancelled.
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Really feel for you buddy, I remember how hard it was when I first had weekends where I didn't see my son when his mum and I split up. As you say, keep busy and distracted but also keep connected, reach out to friends, or family, or on here (feel free to PM if you you like)

Hope Monday goes as well as it can, I'm sure it'll be a difficult session but hopefully it'll be helpful in whatever way is best for you.
 
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