The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Muban said:
Is online dating as much of a nightmare for guys as it is for women? Online dating seems such a mess, people who are in relationships looking for a side piece (but not telling you they are in a relationship already), scammers, Instagrammers and OF looking for more followers. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Then there's all the dangerous guys you should avoid and guys suggesting first dates that don't feel safe. Lets go for a drive to the arse end of nowhere to go for a walk in the hills. Like, dude we've never met, you could be a great genuine guy but I don't know you at all yet. Surely online dating needs to change somehow if it's going to last, because, well it seems a bit crap for actual dating? Just me?

Edit: wall of text and I could have sworn there used to be a thread on online dating/dating.
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As I told the women I was on a date with on Saturday.

"Take your bad experience with dating apps and amplify that by 100. That's how bad it is for men and has been for years"

There is a reason why all these dating apps are loosing money and are in panic mode. Because the main people who were paying (men) were getting very little or zero results. So they voted with their wallets and walked away.
 
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Online is terrible as a man. Paid for a few. Won’t again. It’s shallow and full of people trying to take advantage. No one seems genuine or if they are they hide it well.

I genuinely hope to never need it again as I’m going to give up on it and try the older says to meet someone and I’d probably rather stay single than spend weeks and months with the apps.
 
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It's great if you're good looking and like this if you aren't:

jdOxy09.png
 
Interesting to hear it from the other point of view. Different challenges I guess., though trying to find someone genuine seems to be a common theme. I know it works for some as I've a lot of friends who met via a dating app. How long I'll persevere with it remains to be seen.
 
ivrytwr3 said:
@ShadowMan Just checking in, been a while since we heard from you. How you doing?
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I’m doing ok. Stopped posting for a while to focus on me and work through bits. Finishing CBT therapy today actually so end of 16 weeks of treatment so doing better.

Everything is moving forward. Pretty much the same as it was. She’s a nasty manipulative pos at the moment. I’ve cut the strings though and quite happy on my own. Has its rough moments but I know I’ll be better off after. Just want it all done now. She turned out to be exactly what so many people warned me she would be. I honestly think her brain is broken as I can’t explain the personality switch otherwise but maybe this was always the real her.

Got my DIP through so I know I can keep my house. Funds lined up to buy her out so my life looking good. She has massively overspent last few months and pleading poverty. Emptied her savings and ran up debt and now she can’t afford to buy a house when this is over. The shared home value came is about 12% lower than we thought so hurt her pocket a lot more than me as made it easier for me to buy out.

Kids seem to have adapted but my oldest starts therapy on Friday. He struggles at times and won’t talk to family so offered him help and he has accepted it.

I focus on 3 C model a lot. I didn’t Cause this, I can’t Change it and I can’t Control is so I need to stop trying. It will be what it will be. I’m content on my own. Sad my family isn’t there all the time but I honestly don’t recognise her anymore so I’m better off without.

About 3 months til it’s all done. We have in theory agreed all the terms so just need solicitors to draw it all up and get it done.

I’ve tried the online dating site thing and as I put above it’s toxic. The closest I got to meeting someone had so many red flags it was scary. She seemed nuts after chatting a while. High expectations of what I would buy and pay for. Ran a mile.
 
Online dating is a good way to date women, but it's a numbers game and you need to be wise with your time.

I limited myself to one hour per evening on weekdays using online dating programs and a desktop machine or laptop. This method ensured that I didn't get bogged down with apps during the day and enabled me to work quickly.

After dinner etc in the evening I'd log in, review the scarce messages and earmark those worthy of a reply. I'd also scan for newish users and pick two that had a nice profile.

Once I'd worked out who I was going to message, I'd spend 5-10 mins doing a friendly message saying what I like about them and a bit about myself, ending by saying I'd like to get to know them more.

I'd then send out replies to any women who I had ongoing conversations with, again telling them a little bit more about myself and asking them for a bit more about them.

So that was the routine I followed day to day during the week. On weekends I'd ignore online dating all together and focus on actual dates and my hobbies.

The actual strategy I developed to weed through the time wasters was the following:

Send message to someone I like (in the format described above)

If I get a response, reply during my next session.

If I get a second response and things appear to be going well, ask them out on a weekday (not weekend) date.

If they say yes, set up a simple date (a drink somewhere but not dinner).

If they say no, or make up excuses, don't close the door. Tell them you like them and to get in touch if they'd like to meet up. Then leave it and move on to the next.

I'd never reply straight away and never check for messages during the day. If they wanted a penpal or someone to stroke their ego, it wouldn't be me.

With those women that I did date, you both know pretty much straight away if you like each other as soon as you meet.

If you don't like them or they don't like you, there's no pressure as it's just a midweek date in a bar or coffee shop and you can go your separate ways afterwards.

If we liked each other and the date went well, I'd wait until the next day and tell them I liked them and wanted to meet them for a date on the weekend.

If they like you, they'll make time for you. If they like you and they genuinely have something planned for the weekend, they'll say so and try to make time for you some other way.

If they sort of like you but want to put you on reserve, they'll be nice and positive about it but won't commit to a date.

If the second, longer date goes well, things are progressing nicely. You like each other and it could be a goer.

By the third or maybe fourth date we'd have slept together and I'd stop using online dating and see where things go with the person I'd met.

However, I would firstly message the women I'd been in communication with but not yet met to tell them I'd met someone and wanted to see how it goes, and to wish them well finding someone. Most of the time they'd be positive and wish me good luck.

So that was my MO and it worked for me. There are just as many women out there as men but you need to do a bit of work to find the nice ones.

The vast majority of women looking for a man now go online. If you abandon online dating you are massively reducing the volume of women to choose from.

I hope this info helps a few forum members who are considering throwing in the towel.
 
taB said:
I suppose this is one way of doing it.
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Well, they asked and I gave them an answer :D

MadMossy said:
So literally judging a book by its cover.
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But hasnt it always been like that since we have eyes?

MadMossy said:
Online dating has been trash for over a decade, its completely superficial and a waste of time. Pick a hobby or join a club.
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Depends if you know how to filter out the time wasters and yes. Sometimes you have to pay the sub to eliminate the trashy people from the start.

I went back into Bumble and Hinge over the past few weeks. As I signed up to try it out while I was in Miami (it wasn't the best TBH!). I pay for Bumble so I don't waste my time swiping. If I don't see an notification about a match then I don't open it. Same for Hinge.

Now back at home and making use of the remainder of my sub. I had 4 dates last week, with 4 different women. I have another 3 lined up for this week. Once I match, I arrange a date within the first 24hrs. Instead of spending days or even weeks, messaging the same women back and forth until it dies out.

As for a hobby or join a club, that's a good idea. But if you are a guy, lets be honest. Its going to be something dominated by men anyway (apart from Salsa dancing). If there are women in those areas. They probably already have someone, be weird or other men will be swarming around them like flies.

For me, I wouldn't date any women from my gym, martial arts or swimming classes. To me that's a bad idea, like dating someone from work. But you can role the dice with those risks.

Location plays a major part too. If you are in the London area then great! If you are in some place like in North Wales then its not going to be as good.
 
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I agree with so much of the above and developed a similar method (though not as structured). It definitely is a numbers game and that's no one's fault. If you consider the Venn diagram of single/uses online dating/compatible with you/not currently in a first-few-dates situation, it makes sense that only a small portion of people you message will actually go anywhere.

When I figured out the weekday date trick, that really filtered out the more interesting/serious women. No drinking, ideally daytime not evening, go to a park or have a cup of tea and slice of cake. Certainly worked for me.
 
ShadowMan said:
I’m doing ok. Stopped posting for a while to focus on me and work through bits. Finishing CBT therapy today actually so end of 16 weeks of treatment so doing better.

Everything is moving forward. Pretty much the same as it was. She’s a nasty manipulative pos at the moment. I’ve cut the strings though and quite happy on my own. Has its rough moments but I know I’ll be better off after. Just want it all done now. She turned out to be exactly what so many people warned me she would be. I honestly think her brain is broken as I can’t explain the personality switch otherwise but maybe this was always the real her.

Got my DIP through so I know I can keep my house. Funds lined up to buy her out so my life looking good. She has massively overspent last few months and pleading poverty. Emptied her savings and ran up debt and now she can’t afford to buy a house when this is over. The shared home value came is about 12% lower than we thought so hurt her pocket a lot more than me as made it easier for me to buy out.

Kids seem to have adapted but my oldest starts therapy on Friday. He struggles at times and won’t talk to family so offered him help and he has accepted it.

I focus on 3 C model a lot. I didn’t Cause this, I can’t Change it and I can’t Control is so I need to stop trying. It will be what it will be. I’m content on my own. Sad my family isn’t there all the time but I honestly don’t recognise her anymore so I’m better off without.

About 3 months til it’s all done. We have in theory agreed all the terms so just need solicitors to draw it all up and get it done.

I’ve tried the online dating site thing and as I put above it’s toxic. The closest I got to meeting someone had so many red flags it was scary. She seemed nuts after chatting a while. High expectations of what I would buy and pay for. Ran a mile.
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My parents split up just before my GCSE's - yeah thanks for that. It was gutting at the time and messed me up. Looking back that was me being selfish and it was the right thing to do for them, just make sure to keep reassuring your kids - you love them, you will always be there them. I was left out in the cold, had no idea what was going on or if it was my fault etc.

Good to hear you are coping as well as can be expected during crap times.
 
MadMossy said:
Online dating has been trash for over a decade, its completely superficial and a waste of time. Pick a hobby or join a club.
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Two of my band members who are 50 look like they have found their life partners because of online dating, yes they have done it for years but both of them started to use a paid site and after a couple of dates each seemed to have found the right match.
Another friend as done the same after years of trying.
Don't vomit but another mate found his life partner at a Swingers Club and they have been together years now :)
 
malachi said:
As I told the women I was on a date with on Saturday.

"Take your bad experience with dating apps and amplify that by 100. That's how bad it is for men and has been for years"

There is a reason why all these dating apps are loosing money and are in panic mode. Because the main people who were paying (men) were getting very little or zero results. So they voted with their wallets and walked away.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't use dating apps again.
When I was last dating I gave up on the apps for the last couple Of months I was single.

So many time wasters and people legitimately using it as a free night out.
 
ShadowMan said:
I’m doing ok. Stopped posting for a while to focus on me and work through bits. Finishing CBT therapy today actually so end of 16 weeks of treatment so doing better.

Everything is moving forward. Pretty much the same as it was. She’s a nasty manipulative pos at the moment. I’ve cut the strings though and quite happy on my own. Has its rough moments but I know I’ll be better off after. Just want it all done now. She turned out to be exactly what so many people warned me she would be. I honestly think her brain is broken as I can’t explain the personality switch otherwise but maybe this was always the real her.

Got my DIP through so I know I can keep my house. Funds lined up to buy her out so my life looking good. She has massively overspent last few months and pleading poverty. Emptied her savings and ran up debt and now she can’t afford to buy a house when this is over. The shared home value came is about 12% lower than we thought so hurt her pocket a lot more than me as made it easier for me to buy out.

Kids seem to have adapted but my oldest starts therapy on Friday. He struggles at times and won’t talk to family so offered him help and he has accepted it.

I focus on 3 C model a lot. I didn’t Cause this, I can’t Change it and I can’t Control is so I need to stop trying. It will be what it will be. I’m content on my own. Sad my family isn’t there all the time but I honestly don’t recognise her anymore so I’m better off without.

About 3 months til it’s all done. We have in theory agreed all the terms so just need solicitors to draw it all up and get it done.

I’ve tried the online dating site thing and as I put above it’s toxic. The closest I got to meeting someone had so many red flags it was scary. She seemed nuts after chatting a while. High expectations of what I would buy and pay for. Ran a mile.
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Sounds as positive as it can be. Glad you're financially OK. As that's just not something you need at this time.

Things will get better.
 
malachi said:
Well, they asked and I gave them an answer :D



But hasnt it always been like that since we have eyes?



Depends if you know how to filter out the time wasters and yes. Sometimes you have to pay the sub to eliminate the trashy people from the start.

I went back into Bumble and Hinge over the past few weeks. As I signed up to try it out while I was in Miami (it wasn't the best TBH!). I pay for Bumble so I don't waste my time swiping. If I don't see an notification about a match then I don't open it. Same for Hinge.

Now back at home and making use of the remainder of my sub. I had 4 dates last week, with 4 different women. I have another 3 lined up for this week. Once I match, I arrange a date within the first 24hrs. Instead of spending days or even weeks, messaging the same women back and forth until it dies out.

As for a hobby or join a club, that's a good idea. But if you are a guy, lets be honest. Its going to be something dominated by men anyway (apart from Salsa dancing). If there are women in those areas. They probably already have someone, be weird or other men will be swarming around them like flies.

For me, I wouldn't date any women from my gym, martial arts or swimming classes. To me that's a bad idea, like dating someone from work. But you can role the dice with those risks.

Location plays a major part too. If you are in the London area then great! If you are in some place like in North Wales then its not going to be as good.
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Not always.
There's quite a lot mixed sex in my walking group (you know what I mean! :D ).
Of that lot I'd say there's 2 or 3 that if I were single I'd date.

MTB and kayaking, yeah definitely more male. Dominated though.
 
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