The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[malachi]

I wouldn't use dating apps again.
When I was last dating I gave up on the apps for the last couple Of months I was single.

So many time wasters and people legitimately using it as a free night out.

That's why you go to optimize your time and money on these dates.

Start of the month, I went on a date with an PT, that night cost me nearly £80 in drinks Wednesday, I had an date which cost me zero. Because she lived 10mins away from my apartment. So she came straight round and stayed for a few hours.

Its a role of the dice what can happen. But I never set my expectations too high.

But I understand most men on dating apps get bugger all or not even a kiss if they meet.

 

[413x]

That's why you go to optimize your time and money on these dates.

Start of the month, I went on a date with an PT, that night cost me nearly £80 in drinks Wednesday, I had an date which cost me zero. Because she lived 10mins away from my apartment. So she came straight round and stayed for a few hours.

Its a role of the dice what can happen. But I never set my expectations too high.

But I understand most men on dating apps get bugger all or not even a kiss if they meet.

80 in drinks! Wtf!

The dates themselves were OK. Never had a terrible date except someone who looked very different to get pics!


But never really went anywhere. For right reasons. Just ended up too "mainstream" for me Most of the time.

 

[malachi]

80 in drinks! Wtf!

Yep, I didn't go on anymore dates that week!

 

[413x]

Yep, I didn't go on anymore dates that week!

That's like a week of shopping for me!

 

[antijoke]

So I want to hear what people who have been in a similar situation what you’ve done and also from people who haven’t on what you’d do.

Long story short, split up with my partner of nigh on 20 years March 2033 (two kids {well one isn’t a kid technical he’s 19} the other is 16) was an amicable split no cheating (as far as I’m aware) an I moved out shortly after into my own place fast forward to recently and I’ve met someone knew, she’s ace, gets on really well, no kids herself, likes I have kids and we’ve discussed her meeting them and here comes my questions:

1) Did you tell your ex you had met someone else and plan to introduce them to the kids?
2) what did you do? Trip out somewhere casual? I’m sure they’ll get on as they’re all fun people so was thinking some pool or bowling or somebthing

Some background, whilst we’ve been amicable since splitting up it’s generally one word text responses of “ok” whenever I ask her something and little else, I’ve no idea if she’s met someone else but I don’t think she’d tell me if she did, so that’s why I’m not sure if I should send her a text telling her that or if I should just save it for when she might meet the kids to tell her they’ll be meeting someone new in my life.

So yeah, any advice?

 

[sx_turbo]

I've not done it, but I've been the child in this situation.

Your best off speaking to here first. Not doing so may ruin the amicable relationship now. It's best coming direct from you and not the kids or one of her friends etc.

Regarding meeting the kids, I'd advise something that's not going to put too much pressure on them or your partner, as they are adults, maybe a coffee or something. And build the relationship between you all over time.

 

[antijoke]

I've not done it, but I've been the child in this situation.

Your best off speaking to here first. Not doing so may ruin the amicable relationship now. It's best coming direct from you and not the kids or one of her friends etc.

Regarding meeting the kids, I'd advise something that's not going to put too much pressure on them or your partner, as they are adults, maybe a coffee or something. And build the relationship between you all over time.

Yeah I agree it should come from me, I’m just not sure how she’ll respond or even if she will, I guess if she doesn’t say anything at least I’ve said something.

Bonus question: Would you expect the same courtesy if she’s met someone and was to get them to meet the kids?

 

[sx_turbo]

Yeah I agree it should come from me, I’m just not sure how she’ll respond or even if she will, I guess if she doesn’t say anything at least I’ve said something.

Bonus question: Would you expect the same courtesy if she’s met someone and was to get them to meet the kids?

I would say you should expect the same courtesy, surely that's all part of being amicable.

but women do tend to change the goal posts to suit themselves lol

 

[Nitefly]

You don’t need to rush into telling her, but I’d deffo make sure that she hears about it from you.

Likewise… you’d be a bit annoyed if your kids said their mum was seeing someone and that’s how you found out, right? Might raise some uncomfortable emotions that need to be processed.

 

[antijoke]

I would say you should expect the same courtesy, surely that's all part of being amicable.

but women do tend to change the goal posts to suit themselves lol

Yeah I would say it’s part of being amicable, but as I say any interaction is usually one word replies via text, we’ve not met up since (despite the odd smile at the gym or in town if I’ve seen her) splitting up to talk in person so I’d either expect an “ok” back or it just to be left on read and that’s that.

You don’t need to rush into telling her, but I’d deffo make sure that she hears about it from you.

Likewise… you’d be a bit annoyed if your kids said their mum was seeing someone and that’s how you found out, right? Might raise some uncomfortable emotions that need to be processed.

Well, this is where it goes a bit odd, I say there’s no cheating (and AFAIK there wasn’t) but I’ve seen her be real friendly with a PT at the gym before now (and at Christmas they were out together with a group, and I’ve seen her in town late one evening with this guy too) now I know it’s not unreasonable for guys and gals to be friendly with each other ( especially as they have a couple of mutual friends who work at the gym) but you just never know 100% do you, she did spend a lot of time at the gym before we split up, but I’d never confront about that because she’d either lie, or tell the truth or say nothing happened so didn’t see the point.

But to cover off your last point about uncomfortable emotions, I’m over that I wouldn’t get bent out of shape about her seeing someone, ultimately I want her to be happy, it wasn’t meant to be with me but I wish her happiness.

 

[Malevolence]

Me and the girlfriend split last night. I can't believe this has happened, we've been in love, and still are, with each other for 36 years. Although we haven't been together for that long. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved, and it's the same for her with me. I'll fill you in on the story when I get back to mine as I'm currently riding buses trying to clear my head

I'm just so ******* sad and depressed right now.

 

[ShadowMan]

Gutted for you. It’s horrible and will be a journey but do try and take it at your own speed and fine anything positive you can focus on. So many of us have been there. Type and reach out if you need to to anyone you can from friends, family and even people on the internet!

 

[413x]

Me and the girlfriend split last night. I can't believe this has happened, we've been in love, and still are, with each other for 36 years. Although we haven't been together for that long. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved, and it's the same for her with me. I'll fill you in on the story when I get back to mine as I'm currently riding buses trying to clear my head

I'm just so ******* sad and depressed right now.

So sorry to hear. That's a huge amount of time. Especially if it's a bombshell drop. Hope you're OK (as you can be)

 

[sx_turbo]

Me and the girlfriend split last night. I can't believe this has happened, we've been in love, and still are, with each other for 36 years. Although we haven't been together for that long. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved, and it's the same for her with me. I'll fill you in on the story when I get back to mine as I'm currently riding buses trying to clear my head

I'm just so ******* sad and depressed right now.

I'm not prying and obviously it's your story to tell or not, but just want to check your ok, you state you would explain when u got back and depressed etc just want to make sure you made it home ok and are ok

 

[Malevolence]

I'm not prying and obviously it's your story to tell or not, but just want to check your ok, you state you would explain when u got back and depressed etc just want to make sure you made it home ok and are ok

Thanks for the concern. I'm still feeling a little sad and depressed, but it's manageable. I did start typing out our story, but thought I'd like to keep it private for now.

We've been texting each other and whilst we haven't figured things out we are going to stay friends and in contact in the hope that we can rekindle things. It doesn't help matters that we live 100miles apart and I don't drive.

 

[sx_turbo]

Thanks for the concern. I'm still feeling a little sad and depressed, but it's manageable. I did start typing out our story, but thought I'd like to keep it private for now.

We've been texting each other and whilst we haven't figured things out we are going to stay friends and in contact in the hope that we can rekindle things. It doesn't help matters that we live 100miles apart and I don't drive.

Pleased to hear your ok and things are slightly on the up.

Long distance relationships can be tough and a lot of hard work.

 

[drakulton]

So I want to hear what people who have been in a similar situation what you’ve done and also from people who haven’t on what you’d do.

Long story short, split up with my partner of nigh on 20 years March 2033 (two kids {well one isn’t a kid technical he’s 19} the other is 16) was an amicable split no cheating (as far as I’m aware) an I moved out shortly after into my own place fast forward to recently and I’ve met someone knew, she’s ace, gets on really well, no kids herself, likes I have kids and we’ve discussed her meeting them and here comes my questions:

1) Did you tell your ex you had met someone else and plan to introduce them to the kids?
2) what did you do? Trip out somewhere casual? I’m sure they’ll get on as they’re all fun people so was thinking some pool or bowling or somebthing

Some background, whilst we’ve been amicable since splitting up it’s generally one word text responses of “ok” whenever I ask her something and little else, I’ve no idea if she’s met someone else but I don’t think she’d tell me if she did, so that’s why I’m not sure if I should send her a text telling her that or if I should just save it for when she might meet the kids to tell her they’ll be meeting someone new in my life.

So yeah, any advice?

As you have access to a time machine, you have the opportunity to change things for the better, before they happen.

 

[ShadowMan]

Thanks for the concern. I'm still feeling a little sad and depressed, but it's manageable. I did start typing out our story, but thought I'd like to keep it private for now.

We've been texting each other and whilst we haven't figured things out we are going to stay friends and in contact in the hope that we can rekindle things. It doesn't help matters that we live 100miles apart and I don't drive.

You are doing exactly what I did after my wife left. I wish I hadn’t. I know it sounds harsh but she isn’t going to feel any loss if you carry on and stay friends and hope. She has best of both at the moment with you on the end of the phone if she changes her mind whilst she explores what she wants.

I have done so much reading and research post breakup I know I made mistakes. I begged and pleaded and wished I hadn’t. I said I would always be there for her and wish I hadn’t. It’s not that I wouldn’t be but in my situation I protected her from any loss. I gave her time to adjust and she always had a way back and it worked against me. She never had to go through the pain I did as she knew she could change her mind.

Go read and find out what you want. If you truly want her back there are ways to go about it that I didn’t know at the time. Being friends and staying in contact will likely work against you though as she won’t feel she has lost you like you are feeling you lost her. You are minimising the consequences for her.

Whatever the outcome try and stay positive. My early process is in this thread. It’s not great reading. I’m still in a really bad place and struggling. I also see all the mistakes I made during to both protect her and not protect myself. You will get through. Talk about how you feel but honestly you need to focus on you now. Cut her off and look to yourself. Make her feel the loss and she will either want to come back or she won’t but you can focus on yourself either way. Don’t be like me and focus everything on someone that didn’t want you and gave up.

 

[malachi]

Thanks for the concern. I'm still feeling a little sad and depressed, but it's manageable. I did start typing out our story, but thought I'd like to keep it private for now.

We've been texting each other and whilst we haven't figured things out we are going to stay friends and in contact in the hope that we can rekindle things. It doesn't help matters that we live 100miles apart and I don't drive.

Only advice I can give you. Never stay friends with an ex, its a bad idea. Especially if they are the ones who ended the relationship.

Unless you have kids together, always have a clean cut from them and break contact.

Your mental health will thank you later.

 

[413x]

Only advice I can give you. Never stay friends with an ex, its a bad idea. Especially if they are the ones who ended the relationship.

Unless you have kids together, always have a clean cut from them and break contact.

Your mental health will thank you later.

Have to agree with this. It's was harder initially. But definitely for the best. There are so many people out there you don't need to stay friends with the ex. Especially if you are the dumpee