The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[hurfdurf]

Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile

Get in the gym, focus on yourself, enjoy your life, and they will send the first message to you.

 

[hurfdurf]

If it weren't for the kids, I would have ended it a long time ago, but I can't imagine how much it would hurt them (especially our 4 year old - the 12 year old seems quite switched on, and has started questioning some of the stuff she does), but honestly I don't have the first clue how to go about it.

Talk to a divorce lawyer or a men’s domestic abuse charity if she’s been that horrible to you. They are the experts. It’s a massive step but every man I’ve ever talked to who is miserable, once they are out, wish they had done it earlier. Good luck.

 

[Mason-]

@Haggisman honestly sounds like you're in a relationship with a teenager. She needs to grow up. It all depends on your patience and whether you think she will change. But if things kept going like that I'd want out.

 

[Haggisman]

Phew, that's a whole lot of misery to have to deal with. I hope your health stays good.

Thanks - no worries there, I'm pretty resilient, but it is exhausting having to deal with

@Haggisman mate, that sounds truly horrible, an utterly miserable experience. I've been in a similarly miserable situation, with kids involved only my ex was physically violent to me among other things.

I stayed way longer than I should have done for the kids, but ultimately all I did was put myself through more abuse. And, let's call it as it is here. You are being emotionally abused by your wife. It is affecting your kids more than you realise, and it sounds like no matter what you do she's going to use those kids to get at you.

I know I'm just some stranger on the Internet but it's time to leave, go get some legal advice.

Talk to a divorce lawyer or a men’s domestic abuse charity if she’s been that horrible to you. They are the experts. It’s a massive step but every man I’ve ever talked to who is miserable, once they are out, wish they had done it earlier. Good luck.

Thanks - we're not married, so a divorce lawyer isn't necessarily required (although of course I'm sure there's plenty of overlap with general relationship/family law), obviously the kids do complicate things, and the house is joint owned, so we'd need to figure out how to sort that out.

Hope you work through it and manage to try some counselling at least

Thanks - I think it would help, it's just trying to convince her to actually participate. I guess there's always the option of setting an ultimatum; counselling & an improvement within 6 months or game over.

@Haggisman honestly sounds like you're in a relationship with a teenager. She needs to grow up.

I've thought this many, many times!

 

[Vidar]

@Haggisman You're definitely going to need legal advice, over the jointly owned home and I'd suggest for the kids aswell. I can say with reasonable certainty that when you do end things, you're abusive ex is going to beat you over the head with your kids anyway she can. I know cause I've been there. To her, the kids being collateral damage won't even enter her mind. It will all be about hurting you. You need to handle this the right way, get all your ducks in a row and then act.

The point is, you can't stay in this hell you're going through. You deserve better.

 

[Haggisman]

Thanks - I guess my thinking is that's a line she won't cross, but you're right, she can be very unpredictable and vindictive when she gets a bee in her bonnet, so I'll see if I can find a solicitor to speak to for some advice

 

[Vidar]

Thanks - I guess my thinking is that's a line she won't cross, but you're right, she can be very unpredictable and vindictive when she gets a bee in her bonnet, so I'll see if I can find a solicitor to speak to for some advice

Sadly mate, they all cross that line. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, truer words where never spoken!

The whole comment about a Swedish blonde for Christmas to your kid tells you everything you need to know.

 

[ivrytwr3]

I've been married 20+ years and my Mrs still throws back stuff that happened before I met her - it's fricking annoying, but I guess she just wants to feel secure sometimes.

But what you are going through is beyond that, she's up all night and sleeping all day? What is she doing during these times?

I have a mate who went through the same thing, he was working, looking after the kids, cooking, cleaning etc - she didn't work, so anything around the house and was in bed most of the day.

It effected his mental health, his job and he eventually, and we're talking years, left her. She moved back to her home town, where she had to work and she eventually started getting help.

They reconciled earlier this year and he says the marriage isn't without its issues, but she realised she had/has mental health issues and it took a sharp reality check and a therapist.

I'm by no means saying leave your wife, just that what is happening now, is never going to get better on its own - she needs help and she has to have her own lightbulb moment and want that help. Much like an alcoholic, you can't help them unless they want to get clean.

Personally, if she was prepared to get help, I'd stick around, but if she wasn't, it would be time to call an end and start looking after yourself and the kids will being.

 

[413x]

I've been married 20+ years and my Mrs still throws back stuff that happened before I met her - it's fricking annoying, but I guess she just wants to feel secure sometimes.

But what you are going through is beyond that, she's up all night and sleeping all day? What is she doing during these times?

I have a mate who went through the same thing, he was working, looking after the kids, cooking, cleaning etc - she didn't work, so anything around the house and was in bed most of the day.

It effected his mental health, his job and he eventually, and we're talking years, left her. She moved back to her home town, where she had to work and she eventually started getting help.

They reconciled earlier this year and he says the marriage isn't without its issues, but she realised she had/has mental health issues and it took a sharp reality check and a therapist.

I'm by no means saying leave your wife, just that what is happening now, is never going to get better on its own - she needs help and she has to have her own lightbulb moment and want that help. Much like an alcoholic, you can't help them unless they want to get clean.

Personally, if she was prepared to get help, I'd stick around, but if she wasn't, it would be time to call an end and start looking after yourself and the kids will being.

This bit.
She needs to want to get help.
And want it to work.

Just like going to the gym. If you don't want to get better for you, and you're going because your think you should... You'll never put enough in to get what you need out.

Really hope works out for you @Haggisman

 

[Haggisman]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the kind words and shared experiences, it might not seem like much, but it does help to know there are other people who've gone through similar and come out ok!

I got the usual "sorry for ruining your life, look after the kids, you won't have to worry about me anymore soon *not-so-subtly hinting suicide and it's all your fault*" message earlier this evening, after she's spent all day giving me the silent treatment.

Not really something I can ignore, but at the same time, it's always the same routine, and I'm just becoming numb to it

 

[sx_turbo]

Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile

Maybe dating sites isn't the way to do it.

It doesn't have to be a dating website, and you may find things easier if you met someone naturally rather than trying to force it.

There are plenty of ways to meet new people, join clubs of interests you have, join a class of something you'd like to learn etc etc

As others have said, concentrate on you, something most likely will happen.

 

[sx_turbo]

Thanks - I guess my thinking is that's a line she won't cross, but you're right, she can be very unpredictable and vindictive when she gets a bee in her bonnet, so I'll see if I can find a solicitor to speak to for some advice

Always prepare for the worse, when someone is mentally unhinged they will always do what you think they won't.

Unfortunately her behaviour is having a huge effect on your kids and you won't really be able to tell until the damage is done. This sort of behaviour needs to be rectified either by her own admission and seeking help or you need to be the one to force it.

Because of the kids she needs to be the one to leave as she is incapable of looking after them.

However as has been said due to the mental health issue id suggest seeking help from abuse charities and solicitors, get yourself prepared and aligned. Sadly unless you do something drastic this cycle will repeat, and before you know it you and your kids will have mental health issues, it should hopefully also kick her up the back side to seek help.

The hard part is doing it all in the first place, and it's not something I would do taking likely. But your priority is to the kids I'm afraid

 

[Mason-]

How’s it going @Haggisman ?

 

[Haggisman]

Sorry guys, I should have updated earlier!

After we'd both had a couple of days to cool off, we sat down and had a long chat about it. She fully admitted she started the fight deliberately, as she "wanted to see if she still cared when I was angry/upset with her", which I'm sure you'll agree is a **** "excuse" (she has said a few times before that the anti-depressants she's on make her feel nothing at all).

I made it very clear that it wasn't acceptable, she'd crossed a line, and that I was very seriously thinking of ending the relationship at that point - told her that if she didn't show genuine effort to start dealing with her mental health within 6 months (or if it happens again) then I'd be looking at our options for separating. I made sure she knew I'd be fully supportive if she made the effort, but like you guys said, she needs to want it and to be the one driving it. She agreed that was reasonable, and does accept that she was out of order, and does need help.

She has spoken to her GP to arrange a medication review - she did initially say about just coming off the anti-depressants altogether, but I managed to talk her out of that idea! She did also say she was going to ask about counselling, although I don't know if she's done that yet.

I have reminded her about it a few times; I don't want to end up nagging her about it, but I also don't want it to end up getting just brushed aside and pretend everything is fine again, so a careful balancing act!

Other than that, day to day has been almost the same, but with some subtle improvements. She's definitely been putting in a bit more effort to do her bit around the house; doing more cleaning/tidying rather than just moaning about some "mess" I've not had the time/energy to sort (I've even had some nice surprise meals cooked for me ).

It remains to be seen if that lasts, or it's just a short-term thing, but I'm going to be open-minded and give her the benefit of the doubt; she's definitely trying, it's just whether she keeps on trying, or decides it's too much hard work again, and it's easier just to let me pick up the slack.

 

[413x]

Sorry guys, I should have updated earlier!

After we'd both had a couple of days to cool off, we sat down and had a long chat about it. She fully admitted she started the fight deliberately, as she "wanted to see if she still cared when I was angry/upset with her", which I'm sure you'll agree is a **** "excuse" (she has said a few times before that the anti-depressants she's on make her feel nothing at all).

I made it very clear that it wasn't acceptable, she'd crossed a line, and that I was very seriously thinking of ending the relationship at that point - told her that if she didn't show genuine effort to start dealing with her mental health within 6 months (or if it happens again) then I'd be looking at our options for separating. I made sure she knew I'd be fully supportive if she made the effort, but like you guys said, she needs to want it and to be the one driving it. She agreed that was reasonable, and does accept that she was out of order, and does need help.

She has spoken to her GP to arrange a medication review - she did initially say about just coming off the anti-depressants altogether, but I managed to talk her out of that idea! She did also say she was going to ask about counselling, although I don't know if she's done that yet.

I have reminded her about it a few times; I don't want to end up nagging her about it, but I also don't want it to end up getting just brushed aside and pretend everything is fine again, so a careful balancing act!

Other than that, day to day has been almost the same, but with some subtle improvements. She's definitely been putting in a bit more effort to do her bit around the house; doing more cleaning/tidying rather than just moaning about some "mess" I've not had the time/energy to sort (I've even had some nice surprise meals cooked for me ).

It remains to be seen if that lasts, or it's just a short-term thing, but I'm going to be open-minded and give her the benefit of the doubt; she's definitely trying, it's just whether she keeps on trying, or decides it's too much hard work again, and it's easier just to let me pick up the slack.

Sounds like you're doing the right things to me.
As you say.. Time will tell. Many people soon slip back to what their normal is. Fingers crossed the improvement is genuine

 

[Haggisman]

Sounds like you're doing the right things to me.
As you say.. Time will tell. Many people soon slip back to what their normal is. Fingers crossed the improvement is genuine

Thanks - I guess the trick is getting them to change that normal!

 

[Vidar]

Thanks - I guess the trick is getting them to change that normal!

I'm glad to hear things seem to be improving for you pal, having seen things from both sides of this in my own life I know how genuinely hard it can be.

I think the thing here is your acknowledgment and encouragement when things are going positive, there's nothing worse than when the last thing you feel capable of doing is making an effort but you make yourself do it anyway and the other person barely notices or worse, criticises you.

Anti depressants are also a difficult thing, they work great for some people but less so for others. I tried several different types, until they found one that sort of worked until they upped the dose and I just didn't feel a thing. I came off them, and was able to work through my stuff gradually but that's certainly not the answer for everyone and I think a medication review is a great idea.

I genuinely hope things continue to improve for you both.

 

[Vidar]

What is it with women? Somehow, ended up in a row with the missus tonight because she wants to go to her friends for New Years Eve, which I don't have a problem with

A bit of context, my missus has never celebrated New Years in all the years I've known her, she's said its always made her sad because her family never saw in the new year etc. That's been cool with me as most of my adult life I had to work it anyway. But, since my injury I've tried to encourage her to do something and she's never been up for it. Going to bed way before midnight etc. That's fine too.

She asked if I had anything I wanted to do this year, I said we've got an invite to go to my best friends again but it's a child free thing so we can't go, again, it's all good. She mentions we've been invited to her friends we're the kids are welcome, but knows I won't say yes, because for one her friends house is entirely unsuitable for me to use the bathroom given my disability and well I'm not a huge fan of her friends as their lives are like an episode of Shameless. Theyre friends from the school run, So without skipping a beat she says she'll go with our youngest and come back when she's tired (my missus, not the kid). I figured okay, well why doesn't she take both the kids since I can't really go and don't want to, and instead of me being by myself or just me and my eldest daughter, I'll go to my friends.

I did find it strange she's so keen on going, since she's never wanted to celebrate it whilst we've been together so asked her about as it just surprised me she'd be so willing to leave me behind. Despite my assurances.I wasn't upset, it's clear she was and it became a bizarre argument. Basically saying she doesn't know what time her friends get together is on till (that confused me, obviously until after midnight) that if it's a problem for me she won't go (it's really not) and I should go to my friends, which I wouldn't be if she was staying home with the girls as I'd rather see it in together. There was more, but she stormed off to bed.

Now I'm sat here bemused, I don't quite understand why it's gotten so weird. It all just felt a bit out of character for her and I'm worried something else is going on. I don't suspect cheating and there's no men going to be there anyway except her friends partner (maybe) but her reaction to my question is very strange.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

People play up because we're not always the main character in whichever author you read or follow. Sometimes you just need to shrug, nod, and accept that tomorrow will be better. Own that too, if you like that verbage, and if you don't it's still true.

Take 20% off (easier said than done) and recalibrate in your own time.

x

 

[GR63]

Women and logic rarely go in the same sentence. Obviously something more to it but if she does tell you, well we aren't psychic are we?

Personally never seen any point to NY Eve as it's just another day/night but some people get excited by it