The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Thought I would post a final post around my situation to say that everything completed yesterday and final order of divorce is on its way to me. Its been very quick but fairly pain free legally and finacially.
Mixed feelings but mostly of optimism for the future. My counselling has hugely helped and I realise mostly that I deserved so much better and she is now something I didn't ever see coming. She is an awful, selfish, self-centred person and I don't recognise her at all. Social media and friends really did a number on her with the independent woman and boss babe mentality. I have been through so many emotions on this and I have some major regrets in trying to keep her and forgive the unforgivable. I should have just walked away and realised what she was back in Dec/Jan.
I am firmly in a land of never speaking to her again (unless directly related to kids and important). She has her problems and she needs to sort them. She lost out far more than I did and hearing things from the kids it sounds like her life has imploded a bit and she has got nowhere near where she wanted to be and must suck to be her. I still love who she used to be. I always will but the new her is someone I don't even want to know.
For me, I have kept the house, I am more financially stable than I ever was with her (despite losing 45% of income) and will be saving more than before once I re-mortgage and reduce my rate (waiting on paperwork to clear). My kids seem relatively happy when they are here, the oldest seems to hate going to see her and basically lives in his room there. I have yet to date or meet anyone but I don't think I want to for now. Happy in my own company. Back to playing online games with friends in downtime, socialising with friends at home and out too (yet to do a night out as too old for that really) but life is looking up.
Still miss my old family life but I have accepted it died when she changed and there was nothing I could do. She popped up on Tinder looking for short term relationships so blocked that and deleted the app (it was awful anyway) so I guess we know what she wants now! Early 40's with 2 kids (she doesn't mention them on her profile) looking for short term relationships and fun whilst going out every other weekend and drinking heavily. That is going to take a toll eventually.
A few months to go until 2025 and I know it will be a good year. I have my kids at Christmas (week before and day of) as that is what the rota worked out as. I also get Halloween and Fireworks so plenty to do and be happy for.
Thank you all for listening to the drivel I have posted. The comments (supportive and harsh truths included) all helped and I see her for what she is. I tried my best, was the best husband and dad I could be but she just wasn't willing to match that energy and clearly is broken in so many ways.
For anyone who goes through similar. Reach out, get help, get counselling, resolve your emotions and stay strong. It does get better. I got to the bottom of the pile and nearly lost everything but I managed to find a way up again slowly. We all have worth and no matter what anyone does don't let it make you think you don't.
Mixed feelings but mostly of optimism for the future. My counselling has hugely helped and I realise mostly that I deserved so much better and she is now something I didn't ever see coming. She is an awful, selfish, self-centred person and I don't recognise her at all. Social media and friends really did a number on her with the independent woman and boss babe mentality. I have been through so many emotions on this and I have some major regrets in trying to keep her and forgive the unforgivable. I should have just walked away and realised what she was back in Dec/Jan.
I am firmly in a land of never speaking to her again (unless directly related to kids and important). She has her problems and she needs to sort them. She lost out far more than I did and hearing things from the kids it sounds like her life has imploded a bit and she has got nowhere near where she wanted to be and must suck to be her. I still love who she used to be. I always will but the new her is someone I don't even want to know.
For me, I have kept the house, I am more financially stable than I ever was with her (despite losing 45% of income) and will be saving more than before once I re-mortgage and reduce my rate (waiting on paperwork to clear). My kids seem relatively happy when they are here, the oldest seems to hate going to see her and basically lives in his room there. I have yet to date or meet anyone but I don't think I want to for now. Happy in my own company. Back to playing online games with friends in downtime, socialising with friends at home and out too (yet to do a night out as too old for that really) but life is looking up.
Still miss my old family life but I have accepted it died when she changed and there was nothing I could do. She popped up on Tinder looking for short term relationships so blocked that and deleted the app (it was awful anyway) so I guess we know what she wants now! Early 40's with 2 kids (she doesn't mention them on her profile) looking for short term relationships and fun whilst going out every other weekend and drinking heavily. That is going to take a toll eventually.
A few months to go until 2025 and I know it will be a good year. I have my kids at Christmas (week before and day of) as that is what the rota worked out as. I also get Halloween and Fireworks so plenty to do and be happy for.
Thank you all for listening to the drivel I have posted. The comments (supportive and harsh truths included) all helped and I see her for what she is. I tried my best, was the best husband and dad I could be but she just wasn't willing to match that energy and clearly is broken in so many ways.
For anyone who goes through similar. Reach out, get help, get counselling, resolve your emotions and stay strong. It does get better. I got to the bottom of the pile and nearly lost everything but I managed to find a way up again slowly. We all have worth and no matter what anyone does don't let it make you think you don't.
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Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile 
Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile
If you are struggling to send the first message. Sounds like you are still not ready and need more time.
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Thank you Malachi! You're probably right
I disagree - you say a couple of years, you should be taking steps by now to be the best version of yourself you can. If you keep kicking this can down the line, things may get worse, not better.Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile
Not all women out there are psycho, 99% maybe, but not all (joke!). As long as you are prepared to test the water, you may find that diamond in the rough, or at the very least, you will have conquered your fear and maybe found some more confidence and friendships along the way.
Go for it, send that message.
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Caporegime
Soldato
- Joined
- 21 Apr 2007
- Posts
- 6,603
Not sure of your age range, but the dating market is also quite horrible really (i'm in my 30's though so is very different depending on age).Well it's been a couple of years since leaving my EX, who was not only controlling and narcissistic with borderline BPD. I'm going back in the dating scene, however I'm finding it VERY difficult. I'm not sure if it's fear, but I'm struggling just to even send that first message! It's like I want to be with someone again, but another half of me wants nothing to do with it anymore. I was hurt badly, and under crisis team for awhile
Online apps etc are pretty awful so be prepared for that. I've been single for a while and not looking but when I did have handful of dates here and there the whole scene sucks.
So be prepared for that.
Doesn't get any easier when you go over 40!
But never let it get your down, it can be fun if you know how to play the system but can be tiring.
Glad Im not on there at the moment.
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Honestly, online dating was bad enough 10 years ago in my 30's... I'm exceedingly glad its not something I have to worry about anymore.
I've heard its only gotten considerably worse! There seems to be a thing now with blokes traveling East to find traditional wives, Passport Bro's or something? I'm sure it's full of pitfalls as well but if there's a distinct lack of the feminism/woke bull **** that can only be a good thing right?
I've heard its only gotten considerably worse! There seems to be a thing now with blokes traveling East to find traditional wives, Passport Bro's or something? I'm sure it's full of pitfalls as well but if there's a distinct lack of the feminism/woke bull **** that can only be a good thing right?
Caporegime
e: for content
Traditional wives
Passport Bro's
Feminism
Woke
Bull hoo-ha
= Good thing?
No.
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Soldato
First of all, sorry for War and Peace...
I'm so utterly confused.
The other half has had a major hit to her mental (and physical) health the last few months, every time one of the kids brings home a cold, it hits her really badly, what the rest of us brush off in a day or 2 is more like proper flu, and she'll end up with a really bad cough for a week or 2 after. Her depression is really bad at the moment as well - she's been off work for about 3 months now, basically stays awake half the night and then stays in bed until 3-4pm.
However, despite all this things have been improving (slowly and slightly, but still improving) since my last post in here. We got the gambling and financial issues sorted out, we haven't argued properly for ages, and it felt like she was making a bit more effort with the whole intimacy thing.
A couple of weeks ago, she gave me a big cuddle (which never happens) and told me she's really struggling, and the only reason she hasn't jumped in front of a train is because of the kids - what do you even say/do in response to that? No pressure on me then...
Anyway, that aside, everything was mostly "ok" until Wednesday, when she messaged me out of the blue:
The ex in question being a Swedish blonde who turned out to be a gold-digging ***** (this detail is important, not just me bragging about having a sexy Swedish blonde girlfriend
)
Me, trying to be as honest as possible replies "Pretty sure I did, yeah", cue her stomping downstairs with murder in her eyes: "What do you mean 'pretty sure?" and starts accusing me of looking at them/using them for "purposes" while she's upstairs in bed...
After spending 20 minutes "discussing" the finer points of having multiple hard drives, offline and cloud backups etc., coupled with reminding her about the fact it was about 12 years ago and I honestly can't remember, but that to the best of my knowledge I permanently deleted all photos I was aware of at the time, she finally "accepted" it and sat down in a sulk.
I let it go as a one-off, and thought we were all good, until last night, after she'd had a few drinks to celebrate Halloween, as I was putting our youngest to bed he was asking "is it Christmas next?", she says yes, and then gleefully and loudly(so I can hear it) tells him "and I know the perfect present for daddy, a sexy Swedish blonde!".
After putting him to bed I pulled her up on it, but she feigns innocence, and just pretends she's having an innocent joke - anyway, the evening proceeds, but obviously there's a bit of an atmosphere, can't really talk as our oldest is still up and sitting with us.
I eventually go to bed, and 10 minutes later she comes up and asks if I "miss having my sexy Swedish blonde ex". I say of course not, as she completely screwed me over, and that was clearly the wrong thing to say, as she starts going mental at me, about how she gave me the chance to say something nice about her, and all I come up with is that I don't want my ex because she screwed me over, and how she's always been second best, and everything I've ever done just proves that.
I ask for an example, and mention some of the things I do actually do that prove she is the centre of my world, but apparently none of that matters, compared to me not giving the exact answer she wanted. Then she starts bringing up things from right at the start of our relationship, like messages (from before we got together) to other girls, which she found when she went snooping through my Facebook and email etc. which prove she was always just "second best".
I ask her what exactly she contributes to the relationship - pointing out how 1-sided it actually is - "I'm still here" is the response. "Well done, you turn up, do you really think that's enough?!" I reply; again the subject gets changed, she says she's lonely and I don't pay her any attention and that she's upstairs alone all day. I remind her that A) I work during the day, and B) point out that she's asleep; does she really want me to wake her up every 5 minutes? Apparently I should have known to spend time with her at lunchtime yesterday, but instead, popping out to grab some paint without telling her where I was going also proves I don't care about her.
At this point I'm fed up, tired, and I know how this is going to go - she's made up her mind about "reality", and whatever I say is going to get twisted and used against me, or shot down as a lie, so I ask her to just let me go to sleep (it's 1am by this point, and I need to be up at 6:45), so eventually she relents, grabs her stuff, and goes back downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
I've come to the conclusion that it's more important to her be "right" about the fact that all guys are **** and I'm just like her ex and going to leave her for someone else, than it is for her to actually be happy in a relationship - to the point she's actively trying to make that happen. I told her this and she didn't really have much to say in response, basically just ignoring the question and attacking me with some nonsense from 10 years ago again.
After she went back downstairs, she messaged me:
I know that last message is nonsense - she's not going to find somewhere else to live - like everything else yesterday, was just intended to hurt me (but why?!), but honestly, this time I'm thinking of calling her bluff.
I'm so tired of dealing with this coming out of nowhere. Every time things seem to be going away and I start letting my guard down *BANG*, there it is.
I'm fed up with putting in 200% of the effort in the relationship and getting barely anything in return
I'm fed up with effectively being a single parent, taking care of 90% of the household chores and kid duties (and constantly getting undermined and criticised about it)
I'm fed up with having to constantly pick up the pieces from the messes she creates and the additional work piled on me (we got a dog last year, which I was originally dead against, she promised she'd look after it, take it for walks every day, clean up after it etc.). Guess who has ended up actually taking the dog for a walk every day (and who has literally never done so), who had to completely dig out and reseed the lawn after it turned into a quagmire, because her idea of "looking after it" is let it out in the garden to run around and just leave the **** wherever. It's not even about the actual dog, she's lovely, and while I don't mind looking after it - it's extra work I could do without, and really just symbolises the whole relationship and her attitude to it.
If it weren't for the kids, I would have ended it a long time ago, but I can't imagine how much it would hurt them (especially our 4 year old - the 12 year old seems quite switched on, and has started questioning some of the stuff she does), but honestly I don't have the first clue how to go about it.
I'm so utterly confused.
The other half has had a major hit to her mental (and physical) health the last few months, every time one of the kids brings home a cold, it hits her really badly, what the rest of us brush off in a day or 2 is more like proper flu, and she'll end up with a really bad cough for a week or 2 after. Her depression is really bad at the moment as well - she's been off work for about 3 months now, basically stays awake half the night and then stays in bed until 3-4pm.
However, despite all this things have been improving (slowly and slightly, but still improving) since my last post in here. We got the gambling and financial issues sorted out, we haven't argued properly for ages, and it felt like she was making a bit more effort with the whole intimacy thing.
A couple of weeks ago, she gave me a big cuddle (which never happens) and told me she's really struggling, and the only reason she hasn't jumped in front of a train is because of the kids - what do you even say/do in response to that? No pressure on me then...
Anyway, that aside, everything was mostly "ok" until Wednesday, when she messaged me out of the blue:
Very random question, did you actually delete all the photos of <your ex> you had? I know it was years ago? I had a dream you still had them
The ex in question being a Swedish blonde who turned out to be a gold-digging ***** (this detail is important, not just me bragging about having a sexy Swedish blonde girlfriend
)Me, trying to be as honest as possible replies "Pretty sure I did, yeah", cue her stomping downstairs with murder in her eyes: "What do you mean 'pretty sure?" and starts accusing me of looking at them/using them for "purposes" while she's upstairs in bed...
After spending 20 minutes "discussing" the finer points of having multiple hard drives, offline and cloud backups etc., coupled with reminding her about the fact it was about 12 years ago and I honestly can't remember, but that to the best of my knowledge I permanently deleted all photos I was aware of at the time, she finally "accepted" it and sat down in a sulk.
I let it go as a one-off, and thought we were all good, until last night, after she'd had a few drinks to celebrate Halloween, as I was putting our youngest to bed he was asking "is it Christmas next?", she says yes, and then gleefully and loudly(so I can hear it) tells him "and I know the perfect present for daddy, a sexy Swedish blonde!".
After putting him to bed I pulled her up on it, but she feigns innocence, and just pretends she's having an innocent joke - anyway, the evening proceeds, but obviously there's a bit of an atmosphere, can't really talk as our oldest is still up and sitting with us.
I eventually go to bed, and 10 minutes later she comes up and asks if I "miss having my sexy Swedish blonde ex". I say of course not, as she completely screwed me over, and that was clearly the wrong thing to say, as she starts going mental at me, about how she gave me the chance to say something nice about her, and all I come up with is that I don't want my ex because she screwed me over, and how she's always been second best, and everything I've ever done just proves that.
I ask for an example, and mention some of the things I do actually do that prove she is the centre of my world, but apparently none of that matters, compared to me not giving the exact answer she wanted. Then she starts bringing up things from right at the start of our relationship, like messages (from before we got together) to other girls, which she found when she went snooping through my Facebook and email etc. which prove she was always just "second best".
I ask her what exactly she contributes to the relationship - pointing out how 1-sided it actually is - "I'm still here" is the response. "Well done, you turn up, do you really think that's enough?!" I reply; again the subject gets changed, she says she's lonely and I don't pay her any attention and that she's upstairs alone all day. I remind her that A) I work during the day, and B) point out that she's asleep; does she really want me to wake her up every 5 minutes? Apparently I should have known to spend time with her at lunchtime yesterday, but instead, popping out to grab some paint without telling her where I was going also proves I don't care about her.
At this point I'm fed up, tired, and I know how this is going to go - she's made up her mind about "reality", and whatever I say is going to get twisted and used against me, or shot down as a lie, so I ask her to just let me go to sleep (it's 1am by this point, and I need to be up at 6:45), so eventually she relents, grabs her stuff, and goes back downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
I've come to the conclusion that it's more important to her be "right" about the fact that all guys are **** and I'm just like her ex and going to leave her for someone else, than it is for her to actually be happy in a relationship - to the point she's actively trying to make that happen. I told her this and she didn't really have much to say in response, basically just ignoring the question and attacking me with some nonsense from 10 years ago again.
After she went back downstairs, she messaged me:
I know that last message is nonsense - she's not going to find somewhere else to live - like everything else yesterday, was just intended to hurt me (but why?!
), but honestly, this time I'm thinking of calling her bluff.I'm so tired of dealing with this coming out of nowhere. Every time things seem to be going away and I start letting my guard down *BANG*, there it is.
I'm fed up with putting in 200% of the effort in the relationship and getting barely anything in return
I'm fed up with effectively being a single parent, taking care of 90% of the household chores and kid duties (and constantly getting undermined and criticised about it)
I'm fed up with having to constantly pick up the pieces from the messes she creates and the additional work piled on me (we got a dog last year, which I was originally dead against, she promised she'd look after it, take it for walks every day, clean up after it etc.). Guess who has ended up actually taking the dog for a walk every day (and who has literally never done so), who had to completely dig out and reseed the lawn after it turned into a quagmire, because her idea of "looking after it" is let it out in the garden to run around and just leave the **** wherever. It's not even about the actual dog, she's lovely, and while I don't mind looking after it - it's extra work I could do without, and really just symbolises the whole relationship and her attitude to it.
If it weren't for the kids, I would have ended it a long time ago, but I can't imagine how much it would hurt them (especially our 4 year old - the 12 year old seems quite switched on, and has started questioning some of the stuff she does), but honestly I don't have the first clue how to go about it.
Sorry that I haven't read your previous posts, but is she in therapy / medicated for her depression? She needs to show she is willing to try to get better, otherwise sadly I think you are right and need to start making your life and your kids lives a priority.First of all, sorry for War and Peace...
I'm so utterly confused.
The other half has had a major hit to her mental (and physical) health the last few months, every time one of the kids brings home a cold, it hits her really badly, what the rest of us brush off in a day or 2 is more like proper flu, and she'll end up with a really bad cough for a week or 2 after. Her depression is really bad at the moment as well - she's been off work for about 3 months now, basically stays awake half the night and then stays in bed until 3-4pm.
However, despite all this things have been improving (slowly and slightly, but still improving) since my last post in here. We got the gambling and financial issues sorted out, we haven't argued properly for ages, and it felt like she was making a bit more effort with the whole intimacy thing.
A couple of weeks ago, she gave me a big cuddle (which never happens) and told me she's really struggling, and the only reason she hasn't jumped in front of a train is because of the kids - what do you even say/do in response to that? No pressure on me then...
Anyway, that aside, everything was mostly "ok" until Wednesday, when she messaged me out of the blue:
The ex in question being a Swedish blonde who turned out to be a gold-digging ***** (this detail is important, not just me bragging about having a sexy Swedish blonde girlfriend
Me, trying to be as honest as possible replies "Pretty sure I did, yeah", cue her stomping downstairs with murder in her eyes: "What do you mean 'pretty sure?" and starts accusing me of looking at them/using them for "purposes" while she's upstairs in bed...
After spending 20 minutes "discussing" the finer points of having multiple hard drives, offline and cloud backups etc., coupled with reminding her about the fact it was about 12 years ago and I honestly can't remember, but that to the best of my knowledge I permanently deleted all photos I was aware of at the time, she finally "accepted" it and sat down in a sulk.
I let it go as a one-off, and thought we were all good, until last night, after she'd had a few drinks to celebrate Halloween, as I was putting our youngest to bed he was asking "is it Christmas next?", she says yes, and then gleefully and loudly(so I can hear it) tells him "and I know the perfect present for daddy, a sexy Swedish blonde!".
After putting him to bed I pulled her up on it, but she feigns innocence, and just pretends she's having an innocent joke - anyway, the evening proceeds, but obviously there's a bit of an atmosphere, can't really talk as our oldest is still up and sitting with us.
I eventually go to bed, and 10 minutes later she comes up and asks if I "miss having my sexy Swedish blonde ex". I say of course not, as she completely screwed me over, and that was clearly the wrong thing to say, as she starts going mental at me, about how she gave me the chance to say something nice about her, and all I come up with is that I don't want my ex because she screwed me over, and how she's always been second best, and everything I've ever done just proves that.
I ask for an example, and mention some of the things I do actually do that prove she is the centre of my world, but apparently none of that matters, compared to me not giving the exact answer she wanted. Then she starts bringing up things from right at the start of our relationship, like messages (from before we got together) to other girls, which she found when she went snooping through my Facebook and email etc. which prove she was always just "second best".
I ask her what exactly she contributes to the relationship - pointing out how 1-sided it actually is - "I'm still here" is the response. "Well done, you turn up, do you really think that's enough?!" I reply; again the subject gets changed, she says she's lonely and I don't pay her any attention and that she's upstairs alone all day. I remind her that A) I work during the day, and B) point out that she's asleep; does she really want me to wake her up every 5 minutes? Apparently I should have known to spend time with her at lunchtime yesterday, but instead, popping out to grab some paint without telling her where I was going also proves I don't care about her.
At this point I'm fed up, tired, and I know how this is going to go - she's made up her mind about "reality", and whatever I say is going to get twisted and used against me, or shot down as a lie, so I ask her to just let me go to sleep (it's 1am by this point, and I need to be up at 6:45), so eventually she relents, grabs her stuff, and goes back downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
I've come to the conclusion that it's more important to her be "right" about the fact that all guys are **** and I'm just like her ex and going to leave her for someone else, than it is for her to actually be happy in a relationship - to the point she's actively trying to make that happen. I told her this and she didn't really have much to say in response, basically just ignoring the question and attacking me with some nonsense from 10 years ago again.
After she went back downstairs, she messaged me:
I know that last message is nonsense - she's not going to find somewhere else to live - like everything else yesterday, was just intended to hurt me (but why?!
I'm so tired of dealing with this coming out of nowhere. Every time things seem to be going away and I start letting my guard down *BANG*, there it is.
I'm fed up with putting in 200% of the effort in the relationship and getting barely anything in return
I'm fed up with effectively being a single parent, taking care of 90% of the household chores and kid duties (and constantly getting undermined and criticised about it)
I'm fed up with having to constantly pick up the pieces from the messes she creates and the additional work piled on me (we got a dog last year, which I was originally dead against, she promised she'd look after it, take it for walks every day, clean up after it etc.). Guess who has ended up actually taking the dog for a walk every day (and who has literally never done so), who had to completely dig out and reseed the lawn after it turned into a quagmire, because her idea of "looking after it" is let it out in the garden to run around and just leave the **** wherever. It's not even about the actual dog, she's lovely, and while I don't mind looking after it - it's extra work I could do without, and really just symbolises the whole relationship and her attitude to it.
If it weren't for the kids, I would have ended it a long time ago, but I can't imagine how much it would hurt them (especially our 4 year old - the 12 year old seems quite switched on, and has started questioning some of the stuff she does), but honestly I don't have the first clue how to go about it.
I would call her bluff too, you dont joke / weaponise divorce IMO
Yeah sounds like you're being completely reasonable.
I also probably have a photo or two of the ex on an old memory card, deep in a Facebook comment etc.
My gf would never demand I delete them. Originally I did to move on.
Its unreasonable and irrational to demand what she has.
I think you see it logically. That she was setting up the scene to leave. Many people create scenarios to justify breaking up. I think it's to escape the guilt.
If you can make up reasons to leave it makes the person leaving less of a bad guy.
This must be especially true if you have kids like you do. As it's impacting them.
Again, sounds like you're being rational. If she wants to leave you can't stop it. And to be honest, maybe it is the best. You went though **** with your ex and now here.
Sounds like you've been dealing with a lot. I have some of this too. Especially medical side with gf. And even that's hard. But you have much more. And relationship sabotage.
Had same thing with dog too. She got one I said we shouldn't, and now I have been picking up pieces when she can't.
Difference in my relationship is my gf wants to be better it's mainly her health. If my gf had yours attitude I'd be happy she wanted to leave. Those little snide comments "daddy wants a hot blonde" show a lot.
Good luck, but if she wants to go.. In your case.. I'd let her.
I empathise. As I have a lot of the same life stresses (responsible for dog I didn't want, more house work than I expected, having to pick up whatever she can't do, etc) but without the malicious attitude and the pressure of kids. But you are under much more. And what I have is tough enough.
I also probably have a photo or two of the ex on an old memory card, deep in a Facebook comment etc.
My gf would never demand I delete them. Originally I did to move on.
Its unreasonable and irrational to demand what she has.
I think you see it logically. That she was setting up the scene to leave. Many people create scenarios to justify breaking up. I think it's to escape the guilt.
If you can make up reasons to leave it makes the person leaving less of a bad guy.
This must be especially true if you have kids like you do. As it's impacting them.
Again, sounds like you're being rational. If she wants to leave you can't stop it. And to be honest, maybe it is the best. You went though **** with your ex and now here.
Sounds like you've been dealing with a lot. I have some of this too. Especially medical side with gf. And even that's hard. But you have much more. And relationship sabotage.
Had same thing with dog too. She got one I said we shouldn't, and now I have been picking up pieces when she can't.
Difference in my relationship is my gf wants to be better it's mainly her health. If my gf had yours attitude I'd be happy she wanted to leave. Those little snide comments "daddy wants a hot blonde" show a lot.
Good luck, but if she wants to go.. In your case.. I'd let her.
I empathise. As I have a lot of the same life stresses (responsible for dog I didn't want, more house work than I expected, having to pick up whatever she can't do, etc) but without the malicious attitude and the pressure of kids. But you are under much more. And what I have is tough enough.
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Caporegime
The only way this is going to be resolved is by a good therapist who can get her out of the loop of thinking she's not good enough and comparing herself to your ex.
She has let it spiral to a point that is impossible for either of you to fix because you don't have the tools to do so. In fact, you may need to go to couples therapy so that you can outline exactly what the problems are and what her behaviour is.
There was zero trust from her from pretty much the start and personally I would have left as soon as the big red flags like snooping through your Facebook and emails started. She has created this problem for herself and now she is putting it all on you.
She has let it spiral to a point that is impossible for either of you to fix because you don't have the tools to do so. In fact, you may need to go to couples therapy so that you can outline exactly what the problems are and what her behaviour is.
There was zero trust from her from pretty much the start and personally I would have left as soon as the big red flags like snooping through your Facebook and emails started. She has created this problem for herself and now she is putting it all on you.
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Soldato
Yeah, she's on anti-depressants - has been for a long time (basically since shortly after our 12 year was born, so my completely un-medical guess being post-natal depression which has never really gone away).
That seems to be about the limit of effort she's prepared to put in though. I've tried to set up couple's counselling before (her idea), but she never ended up going ahead with it. I've tried to suggest things she can do to help herself, improving diet, doing more exercise, not staying up all night and spending all day in bed etc., but she nods, smiles, agrees and nothing changes
Exactly - I had already deleted most of them before we got together anyway (painful breakup, didn't need that **** hanging round as constant reminders!) but obviously I'd missed some (that she found), and who's to say I didn't miss some others. I've certainly not found any since, but that's not to say there aren't any sat on an old HDD in the attic or stuck in a random folder in my Google Drive somewhere.
I think it's worse than that - she wants to leave, but more than that, she needs to be right, she needs me to be the one who leaves, so that she can be "happy" that she was right all along.
Problem is, I'm stubborn, and I don't want to give her that hollow victory
I pride myself on honesty and integrity, and it's hard to take the blame for something that feels like it's not my fault If she was actually going to go, I wouldn't. I don't think she will though - unless I push her out, which then makes me the bad guy.
I remember your posts about your GF, it's hard, but when you go into it knowing what you're signing up for, it's bearable right? - especially if you are actually working on it together, rather than against each other. Then things like this happen, and make you wonder why you bother...
Nail. Head.
When she gets in these moods, she's already made up her mind - anything I say which doesn't fit that narrative is either twisted so it's against her, or denounced as a lie.
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@Haggisman mate, that sounds truly horrible, an utterly miserable experience. I've been in a similarly miserable situation, with kids involved only my ex was physically violent to me among other things.
I stayed way longer than I should have done for the kids, but ultimately all I did was put myself through more abuse. And, let's call it as it is here. You are being emotionally abused by your wife. It is affecting your kids more than you realise, and it sounds like no matter what you do she's going to use those kids to get at you.
I know I'm just some stranger on the Internet but it's time to leave, go get some legal advice.
I stayed way longer than I should have done for the kids, but ultimately all I did was put myself through more abuse. And, let's call it as it is here. You are being emotionally abused by your wife. It is affecting your kids more than you realise, and it sounds like no matter what you do she's going to use those kids to get at you.
I know I'm just some stranger on the Internet but it's time to leave, go get some legal advice.
Yeah, she's on anti-depressants - has been for a long time (basically since shortly after our 12 year was born, so my completely un-medical guess being post-natal depression which has never really gone away).
That seems to be about the limit of effort she's prepared to put in though. I've tried to set up couple's counselling before (her idea), but she never ended up going ahead with it. I've tried to suggest things she can do to help herself, improving diet, doing more exercise, not staying up all night and spending all day in bed etc., but she nods, smiles, agrees and nothing changes
Exactly - I had already deleted most of them before we got together anyway (painful breakup, didn't need that **** hanging round as constant reminders!) but obviously I'd missed some (that she found), and who's to say I didn't miss some others. I've certainly not found any since, but that's not to say there aren't any sat on an old HDD in the attic or stuck in a random folder in my Google Drive somewhere.
I think it's worse than that - she wants to leave, but more than that, she needs to be right, she needs me to be the one who leaves, so that she can be "happy" that she was right all along.
Problem is, I'm stubborn, and I don't want to give her that hollow victory
If she was actually going to go, I wouldn't. I don't think she will though - unless I push her out, which then makes me the bad guy.
I remember your posts about your GF, it's hard, but when you go into it knowing what you're signing up for, it's bearable right? - especially if you are actually working on it together, rather than against each other. Then things like this happen, and make you wonder why you bother...
Nail. Head.
When she gets in these moods, she's already made up her mind - anything I say which doesn't fit that narrative is either twisted so it's against her, or denounced as a lie.
With mine the medical stuff came just after we bought the house. It's always tough. But I know it's not her fault. Her adhd (also new) is tough as we both have traits. But hers are worse. I'd have given up on mine if she was playing same games yours is though.
But yeah if yours doesn't actually leave but carries on this (and vidar said it right) abuse then it may have to be you who leaves. But I totally understand where you're coming from if she wants to leave... She should leave.
Again, obviously you have kids which makes this much less simple, but If my gf was playing mental games on top of all the other stuff I couldn't handle that myself. But yeah.. I'd probably not want to leave out of stubbornness too. But then may get into the cycle of each of you just getting more agitated but staying together that isn't any good for anyone.
Hope you work through it and manage to try some counselling at least